Hang Head, Feel Shame.

I have been so neglectful of keeping you updated, I really should be ashamed of myself. However, I have experienced a very disruptive two weeks, and I am merely catching up now.

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Firstly, today is my 47th birthday. (Cheers, applause) I take birthdays pretty darn seriously. I always have. Partly, because it gives me an excuse for self-care, which is not something I allow myself on a regular basis, although I am getting much better. I tend to celebrate myself for a week or a month. Depending. I have never celebrated my birthday with a party as an adult. I only had a couple of parties as a kid, then we had the family parties where we celebrated everyone’s birthday that month. In my 20s, we were too poor and I was always working, then babies and now I’m eating so funny, and I can never get anyone together. The banking industry has its year-end on October 31, so most of my friends were really busy these past two weeks to a month. Including my husband. I hope he starts coming to bed before I’m on my last leg now!

Enough of that whining, Sephora started their Rouge Sale this morning, so I saved up for ages! Bought tons of goodies! Yay! Toys!

It seems my Botox kicked in on Monday sometime. So I’m feeling much better. I need to be very careful and ensure I lie down, avoid stress, eat properly, relax, rest, but as long as I take care I have a lot of improvement. I’m excited for Christmas!

It seems our son may not have autism. He was evaluated with the school psychologist, and while he presents as autistic, he is very anxious and has some serious learning disabilities we are trying to negotiate. They involve information processing and executive function. Once these are rectified, he may do just fine, and the autistic appearance will hopefully fall away. If it doesn’t, then he is autistic and we have more to work on.

Still having trouble with daughter attending school regularly. Her anxiety is just overwhelming.

So that’s what has been occupying my day to day. Both kids have needed more time from me, so I’ve been there for them. I’m tired today. Mellow. This afternoon cries for a nap.

I did have some fun with Halloween costumes.

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Beware the Rainbow Kitty!

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Who’s the cutest zebra you’ve ever seen? πŸ˜›

Hope you had a great Halloween!!!

Here’s hoping things get back to ‘normal’ lol!

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It’s May!

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My search for a Maypole .gif rewarded me with this. It amuses me, so I’ll keep it!

I’m still feeling weak today. I’m not nearly as nauseated, so I’m kind of eating non-stop. I only had 589 kcals yesterday, so this should even things out. I know I’m trying to keep myself from falling asleep. I’m annoyed because I took yesterday and lay around. I want to play today. But my body is saying no. My back hurts, my neck is just intensely painful, and my abdomen, Oooh, it’s awful. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of whining and complaining.

I would like someone to come and sit with me for a while. Someone I don’t need to talk with. I used to watch garbage TV with my sister, but she’s living in Beijing. I miss her.

I should probably give up and have that nap. It’s not going to happen today. Not now, anyway. I think I need breakthrough meds. Texted the husband to ask if we should follow up with the pain doctor.

Some things I want to say, have to wait a bit until I feel less like I’ve been hit by a steamroller.

Have a good afternoon zebra pals! 😘

All Whining. All the Time

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I slept most of today. My eyes hurt. They are all gunky and goobery. I have never been sick where stuff has been coming out of my eyes before, jeez. That’s gross. So I have to take my trusty Micellar water and try to clean up the damage so I can open my eyes. I still can’t totally see clearly.

My daughter fell illΒ this afternoon. She had the afternoon off and is off until Tuesday. I hope she’s over this quickly, as it’s not fair being sick over a long weekend. My Mom says I used to be sick on weekends. As a single mom, that was very convenient!

My son was sick earlier this week. I hope we don’t pass this around like we did at Christmas.

My husband has been generally run down from the steroids for his eyes infection. He never complains, so I’m not sure.

We have never been sick as a family the way we have been this last quarter. It’s insane. The way we pass things back and forth. We have never ever been sick like this.

I have actually been recovering faster than usual, lately. Getting over the actual flu, but it takes at least a couple of weeks to get my strength back. More like six weeks, though. It’s so frustrating to get sick.

Not to mention, it’s Thursday, so our TV is acting up again. Β It always decides to do this when my husband takes our son to autism therapy. Boo. I think it’s the cable line.

I’m also annoyed because I’m hungry, and I know nothing will sit well right now. One minute I’m all ‘food sounds goooood’ three minutes later ‘ugh, no Oooh!’

Okay, I’m going to go watch South Park, it’s just about the right amount of snark for my mood right now. Nausea is back, despite the Gravol.

Stay healthy, my zebra friends! 😘

 

Dark Days

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I have never felt so dark as I have the past few days. The pain just feels never-ending. I don’t feel like there are any bright spots anymore. The tears keep falling. I know this is a temporary state, but damn, it’s no fun to go through.

I try so hard to be stoic all the time. I try to pretend I have this. It’s no problem for me to lie in bed all day every day and play on the computer. But it’s a huge problem. People don’t realize, I think, that when everyone on Facebook decides to have a shitty day, I don’t get to go outside and find other people to talk to. I’m stuck with what I’ve got.

I’m trying not to turn this into an ‘everybody is being mean to me’ because that is certainly not the case. I know I’m very sensitive right now, probably not safe for human consumption, and feeling very left behind, and I have no way of communicating this without feeling like I’m whining, because I’m in too much pain to do anything but whine.

I feel like my soul is being slowly ripped from my body. I just want this to end.

I was thinking yesterday, I would love to just have a day off. To just hand over my pain for a day. But whom would I burden with that? Oh, you know my first choice. Someone who needs to make decisions on health care reform. But is there someone else who needs to know what this is like? I couldn’t even do this to my ex-husband. I don’t particularly hate him, but sometimes, you know, I think he was kind of clueless.

My good friend is chronically ill. She’s lovely. She always says this thing, though, that interests me. When she’s talking about her pain she says, “but it’s nothing as bad as yours.”. She’s not the only one who does this. It’s so interesting to me because to me, pain is so individual. It may be that I’m a big wimp πŸ˜€. It’s almost not how much pain hurts, but how much it disables you.

My husband just interrupted me for a conversation. He is home today because he had a sleep study done last night. When he originally booked it, he thought it was the Family Day long weekend. I’m vaping as I blog, so I’m feeling better as I go. I’ve spilled my guts to him, and we’ve decided to cancel my dentist appointment for this afternoon. They are so darn good to me. They allow me to cancel and fit me in when they can. The weather is terrible. Snow and ice. I can’t get over the snow banks on a good day, but the ice? We have to try again. I really need a new bite guard.

So, my husband thinks I should medicate myself as much as I am allowed. Then take a warm bath. He will ensure I’m okay, and I don’t stop breathing. I mean, I’m not taking the same things as Michelle McNamara, but Patton Oswalt pulls at the heartstrings, ya know?

Our neighbour’s young daughter knocked on the door this morning to say ‘hi’. She informed my husband her father was at work and her mummy was at work. My husband told her he was at work (liar!) because sometimes they let him work from home, and our children were at school because it was Monday. Her eyes got big and expression was surprised. “Monday!” She repeated. He heard her grandmother start to frantically start to call for her two doors down, “Grandma, I’m visiting my friends!” She called back as she scrambled down the stairs.

Husband came up and began to tell me the story. We heard frantic banging against the door, as if someone were throwing their whole body against it. “Goodbye!” She called as he opened the door, “Grandma’s taking me to school!” As she flew down the steps and down the walk.

He also reminded me that it’s February and Valentine’s day is coming up. This may explain the rash of sudden expressions of love (or whatever) and some of the grouchiness. I can totally get that! Whether it’s being just sick of winter in general, or hating Valentine’s day, whether in or out of a relationship, February is a tough month.

Sometimes it is straight out hostility. It’s so funny, too, what people perceive about your life. I know I’ve lost at least one close friendship over jealousy of my relationship. It is incredibly sad, because I just figured it out recently. If this woman could only see my life now! I guess it seems great on paper, doting husband, two kids (who happen to be awesome), good drugs, lie around all day, play with makeup… but where does the horrible isolation fit in? The feeling everything you say is completely stupid and pitied? The aching in every part of your body every day, including your pubic bone? Doctors constantly questioning your mental state…are you depressed? You seem depressed. Of course I’m depressed you fucking nitwit! But this is temporary. This dark mood. They come and go.

Stay in the light, my mutant collagen cousins! 😘