Misery Inventory 😭

giphy1Please laugh at my misery. 😁 I am having a pretty lousy day.

It actually started last night. I did my makeup for a friend’s birthday, (once again, just ask) and I was just tuckered. I fell asleep at 5? And asked husband to wake me at 8-ish. He claims he couldn’t wake me. This could be true, as once I was in hospital, and the doctor actually picked me up and shook me, I could feel her do that, I felt myself trying to wake up, but I couldn’t. So I sleep deeply. I have CPAP, don’t worry.

So I woke up this morning, just barely, and my head hurrrrrts. My neck is just aching. I can’t follow a thing. I’ve tried four documentaries and they make no sense. I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I did buy a bunch of journals over the weekend this was so much fun, though.

My stomach is killing me too, though. I have heartburn, unusual. I’m so careful, and have been not cheating. I guess the chips are out. Lightly salted, too spicy. 😐 I am so very nauseated and yet am hungry. Plus my stomach hurts. Just the actual physical area of my stomach hurts. I was wearing a bralettes and it hurt, so I had to take it off. Another day where I can’t wear clothes, they are too much pressure. Physical pressure. My nightgowns are too close around my throat, though I know they aren’t. Any seam hurts. My fuzzy blanket is all I can handle. We’ve had honest discussions with the kids why mommy doesn’t wear clothes sometimes, and why that is a problem in society and we have to give her privacy.

Anyway, my stomach is acting up, but I did have a BM today, which is fantastic! πŸ˜€ I used to have to have shots that would reverse the opioids I was on so I could go. It was not a fun time.

But in addition to this, I’m having endometriosis-related cramps, and I can’t figure out why. I don’t know if my body is adjusting to the weight loss, which seems to be stable for now, around 195. Everything hurts for now, and I can never remember what I’m supposed to do.

I finally got it straight with husband. I’m supposed to take marijuana oil and then vape, but I don’t have the strength to vape. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy? Oh, hell no. I am not a lazy person. I really can’t. I don’t think it will do what I need it to do for my neck, anyway. I would really love a bath, but I can’t muster myself to get in there.

The kids are well amused. Daughter is downstairs doing whatever it is she does, and boy is playing the new Nintendo Switch we bought for Husband’s birthday next month. We thought we should get it early and have some time to play it. It arrived Friday, so the boys rushed through their chores, and husband and I had a long discussion about whether he really did ask me to order Zelda or not. I swear he didn’t. I am clear as day on this, but is it just my memory? But I would have no memory of the incident altogether, right? And he forgets to give me the phone every morning so I have to go crawl for it and hurt myself.

So, husband is calling the hospital every couple of days with no response. This is what you get with top doctors. Arrogance.

I have a ton of shopping due to arrive today. At least that should distract. And once I get that bath!

❀

Some Thoughts Before My Head Implodes

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I do have some good news! The EDS clinic called yesterday. They wanted my GP’s information so he can be contacted for more information. At least they’ve heard of me! My husband called back, as I didn’t get the call.

My head wasn’t as bad this morning when I woke up, but the pain progressed as time has. It’s been two and a half hours and I can feel it settling in nicely. My husband did get a response from my doctor, and apparently whoever answered the call said there is no way it could be chiari malformation because it would have shown up on my barium swallow (?) I really wish he hadn’t said anything about my fears. I also have a skull fracture at the back of my head that may be affecting things. It’s been raining here all week, is sunny today, and is supposed to rain again tomorrow to Sunday. I thought that had something to do with it, but I’m hurting again today, so that doesn’t seem right.

I thought I’d blog early before the emotions and pain get too tangled.

I know I sound like an asshole much of the time. You’re getting real, unvarnished here. What I usually hide. What I find so challenging is, I should be falling back on the friendships I made years ago. But I didn’t make those. I’ve explained my weird adulthood before. Moving across the country, my ex-husband alienating any friends I did have, working too hard and making poor friend choices led to those relationships falling apart. Finding a group as an adult and being drummed out because I was accused of being a drug abuser (I wasn’t, someone decided an increased prescription dose = me freely taking as many pills as I want. I don’t talk quite as much as I used to, but that was a side effect of that stupid medication as well.) A couple of long – term friends, but they are spoonie, too. We rarely see each other or even talk. But they are really good people.

Some of the friends I did have don’t know what to do with me now that I can’t go out. They don’t even invite me over when they have movie nights at home. I could do those. I don’t even hear from them. Not even casual emails. It’s as if I ceased to exist.

My Mom tries so hard, bless her, but I need a Mom.

My husband is so busy looking after me, I rarely see him.

I really try to be a fun, happy person most of the time. I wonder if these episodes are just too intense for some people. It’s just right now I need friends most of all, just knowing someone cares means a lot to me. I’m probably looking in the wrong place or asking for the wrong things.

I just find so many are suspicious or angry or defensive, you cannot approach anyone. It’s harsh out there, and in all honesty, I’m getting tired. I’m getting tired of having my head bitten off when I ask for help. I’m tired of having it bitten off when I offer help.

A friend of mine, a friend I went to elementary school with, is a nurse. She is one of the most caring people I know. She wrote on her Facebook wall “I must be the first person in the history of the world to cancel a doctor appointment because of not feeling well.” Now, I don’t demand everyone think about me before they post something, but that hurt, it was so tone deaf and out of character. I mean, I’ll live, but…

Okay, the head is hurting time to vape. Nausea is rising.

Have a great day, Zebras! 😘

I’m Sick

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I guess I’m sick, I think. It’s tough to tell anymore. Last night the nausea got so intense I couldn’t even take my medication. Β I just swallowed some Gravol and eventually went to sleep. I only refunded a little bit. I’ve been sitting around watching lame TV, as I can’t be arsed to find something great. Actually, Family Guy and John Tucker Must Die isn’t bad. I watched it yesterday.

I just popped two more Gravol, as my husband came to check on me, he hand fed me. How pathetic am I? Today is even chocolate chip pancakes day.

My neck and back are incredibly sore. I want to vape, but I’m too nauseated, I feel if I move an inch, I will be in big trouble. We keep an old cooking pot as a barf bucket, so it doesn’t matter if I can’t move fast. But I hate it. I should be used to it. Not only am I a puker in general, I have a past rife with bulimia.

I’ve been shopping. I’m bored and hungry and feeling sorry for myself. I just bought some Unicorn Snot! πŸ˜„ it’s glitter gel for face, body and hair, but also a lip gloss formula. I’m excited. That will be fun to play with. I bought some loose pigment and mixing medium from MAC, I don’t shop there much, and an eyeliner from Sephora. Β I purchased a couple of cute boxes from Amazon, too. I have great toys to play with, now I just need the energy to play.

My husband has been on the phone most of the weekend in meetings. He’s working so hard.

I am scared because my nausea has been fluctuating with my neck and head pain. I had a weird experience this morning where I was asleep, I think, but I experienced these bright flashes of light, excruciating pain and a sound like an explosion, and then the pain would subside. It happened twice, maybe three times? And I either fell asleep or into a deeper sleep. It was horrible. But was it a dream?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think the hospital is the right place. I don’t think they can take the time to figure this out. Although the can ensure its not an urgent issue, I suppose. My GP would send me somewhere, and ask me for suggestions, so he’s really not much good. My pain doctor I’m seeing in a month, so I just need to hang on. The Clinic is supposed to be on the radar, but I haven’t heard from them. My options I’m considering are calling Tele health and asking for advice, although they usually send you to hospital. Β Then, I could call my pain doctor or the evil social worker and ask for advice. I could at least have assurance I’ve been referred.

I should have a bath, although I just don’t feel like it. I can’t now.

Be well, Zebras! 😷

I Need a Reboot

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I was feeling pretty okay today, considering it’s just less than a week before my Botox, and traditionally I’m feeling rough the week to ten days before that appointment. Usually I’m as I was at the beginning of the week, exhausted, unable to move much, napping a lot. Just generally miserable and in pain. It seems the mmj adjustment is helping. I felt a lot better today, and was able to distract myself with the makeup blog and some looks. I didn’t even exhaust myself. My neck was very sore, and my head hurt, but I didn’t think about it.

One thing that disturbs me is in took some photos for Instagram the other day, and I was very tired. When I looked at the photos, my eyes were the aligned. I looked at more photos and you can see the more tired I am, the worker my eyes are. These were bad, though. I will bring it up to my eye doctor when I see him in a couple of weeks.

After I relaxed for today, my husband took our son to therapy. I had dinner, daughter is downstairs at her homework, when all of a sudden I had a cramp in my lower right quadrant that took my breath away. And then another. It’s like some invisible toddler is stabbing me. I have no idea what is happening, but it’s painful. Since my pot doctor said to vape, I’m vaping. The intensity of the pain might actually send me to the hospital if I thought they would know what to do with me. It’s not my appendix. I don’t have a fever, chances are good it’s not something acute, most likely something ripping. An adhesion? But things can change, so husband is aware.

Of course, since my husband had the winter tires taken off the car yesterday, we are in the midst of a spring blizzard. He was going to pick up the car tonight, but he may just come home. I want to snuggle.

I’m just going to flake for the evening and watch garbage TV.

I want to finish vaping, take my medication and go to sleep. Thank goodness my body likes sleeping. I’m very lucky.

Have a lovely day Zebra pals! 😘

 

PS. My predictive text is super aggressive and I just can’t fight with it today. Sometimes, yes. I do mean i, not in. Or it. Or I do mean the word I actually say. πŸ–• I have been using this emotional and lot this week. Again. Emoji. Β Yes, I know, I can choose the word in the bar above. My Lenovo never did this…

 

Weekend!

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Hey hey! It’s Saturday! I woke up with the back of my head banging so much I felt like it was going to fly off. I’ve got my coffee and my mmj, so we shall see about that.

I stayed curled up in a ball last night. My friend didn’t make it over. We had a pretty big snow storm. 10 cm of snow isn’t a lot, but when it falls all at once, it’s a problem on city streets. She’s going to drop by today, after her massage.

I didn’t make it to my virtual party last night. I decided to join Rodan + Fields as a consultant, but only to purchase my own stuff. They call those ‘face washers’ apparently. Β πŸ˜‚ This party was for those that were joining. I couldn’t uncurl myself enough.

I’m feeling a bit better today, not fantastic, but maybe moving will help. Going downstairs and seeing people.

Darling husband was super sweet today. He shops at Walmart every Saturday at 7:00 am, and there has been a sale on big fluffy pillows the past three weeks. He brought home one for everybody on week one and two, and two for me today, so I am just swimming in pillows. Unfortunately, he dumps things on me, so I am covered in things and can’t dig out. I will need his help later to make sense of all this. I don’t have the spoons, and my bed (our bed) looks like a bed from hoarders.

I need to find cheap tools for my mmj device. I keep losing them, and have to source more. Tried pipecleaners, not strong enough. This mmj is what is keeping me from certain death of spirit right now. It’s very high CBD, mid THC, so I can still function.

I have had the weirdest encounters with men the past few days. Normally, men are pretty respectful. I’m old, disabled, used to be pretty fat, and I’m still considered obese, but I’m about 5 lbs. away from being merely overweight! I chose a fairly man repellant icon for my Facebook photo, deliberately, not that I need to worry, yet I still had one guy in messenger saying he wanted to kiss my neck, another guy on my actual page saying he wanted to marry me! He claims he still wanted to marry me after I told him I needed a manservant to look after me, this bitch with pain, my personality does not make up for it, I wear nothing but onesies, and watch nothing but animated shows. Had to block someone on Facebook because he continually would judge my statuses, tell me I should be caring more about this or that. Just disrespectful. This one in particular was a petition on having Ivanka Trump’s Line dropped from a Canadian clothing store, which he didn’tΒ feel is fair, because “she didnt do anything”. Disagree with me, yes, but don’t talk to me like you are my father. Anyway, I didn’t want him coming back with arguments or whining, hence the block.

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What takes the cake is my Instagram interaction this week. I deliberately chose a photo for my daughter’s birthday this week that was not so flattering. I’m glad I did. One tag I used was Aspergers. This one guy contacted me. Normal. He started chatting about struggling with Aspergers. Fine. Then he asked me if my daughter finds farts funny. Blocked.

This must be my punishment for participating in that thread and saying I wasn’t getting that much harassment so I didn’t mind friending men on social media. What is wrong with them? Does this work on anyone? If so, whom?

My friends always tell me to take my photo off my profile, use something neutral. But just because someone is a jerk, I’m not going to change my whole life.

I really, really, really love my socially awkward husband.

My friend showed up much earlier than I expected. I thought she was having a massage at 12:30 so I budgeted an hour, and then travel time, so 2:00 at the earliest, but she was here at 1:30, and I didn’t have time to finish vaping, never mind getting dressed, or finishing my blog post. But she was great, came and hung out in my bedroom. She’s so swamped at work. It’s terrible. I wish I could see her more often! We had a good catch up. My sweet husband made chocolate chip cookies. Gluten-free of course. They are delicious.

I’m still sore, my abdomen hurts. I have cramps. It feels like a bad period, or maybe a cyst. I don’t know what’s going on, but it hurts. I shouldn’t be having problems as I’m on Mirena, Β so maybe it’s gastrointestinal. That makes more sense. I mean, my GI system has been bothering me since I was a toddler. I used to eat only every second or third day.

I should go do something productive, like check the weather, see if there are any storms brewing, find out how my week is going to be. Three seasons per year are tolerable here, really.

Have a stripey day, my zebras! 😘

When All Your Friends Are Spoonies

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I was supposed to go out with a really good friend of mine today. She is amazing, and I adore her. We’ve been trying to get together for ages, but it’s one o’clock and I haven’t heard from her. She’s a spoonie, too. She is probably ill. I was hoping to give her the Christmas gifts from the family! I sent her a text an hour ago. We will reschedule again. She’s really busy at work. All these no-shows. I’d better not take this personally! 😁

It’s kind of okay, because there was a storm overnight, and I am

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Me (not actually), trying to catch all the spoons in the world πŸ˜€

in a ton of pain today. I knew as soon as I moved this morning. My right hip has half subluxed, just enough to be really painful. Enough I don’t want to put weight on it. My elbows are really sore, too.Even my medication and marijuana vape haven’t moved the pain much today. I know my friend would come over and hang out, but it’s more fun to go out where my kids don’t interrupt.

Yesterday was a quiet day. I had planned to do all these things, but they never materialized. I ended up screwing around on the internet, Facebook, and taking some pictures of my makeup for my blog http://www.squidgesbeautyhaul.wordpress.com, and for Influenster.com. They assign you tasks to promote and review products, and you can get free products. It’s North America wide, passes the time and is fun!

If you’re looking for an interesting Instagram account, my sister and her husband are teaching English in Beijing @theteachingcouple and documenting their adventures. Such adorable kids!

My daughter is turning fifteen this week! I can’t believe I am the mother of a fifteen years old! I am only nineteen myself, in my head! Her birthday is on Wednesday, today is the fifteenth anniversary of day two of labour. 😦 They were trying to keep her in until she hit 37 weeks gestation. ☺

Tonight gluten-free pizza night. I’m so delighted.

I’ve lost another one of my makeup palettes! I am getting very disturbed at the amount of times I am losing things. I’m not particularly messy or disorganised, but I do like to have things fairly close. I have most makeup in organised bins, but as you are aware, it is so easy to be doing something and to just come up exhausted all of a sudden. This is when my husband throws things into another bin… it tidies things, but I can’t find them again. So my Kat von D Alchemist palette is gone, and it hasn’t been in stock for weeks! I know it has to be here somewhere, though.

I’m going to go play with makeup or have a bath or something. Hope you’re having a great day!