Luxury and Resting Up

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I discovered these bath salts at my favourite online shop. I’m not certain they do much actually, in terms of healing, but are they that different from Epsom salts? They are certainly lovely to lay in a bath with.

I’ve been both busy and boring. My lipstick from a big launch came in, so I played with that, but other than that, I’m not certain I have many spoons left. My body is giving signals it’s unhappy.

  • I’m exhausted most of the time, which is not unusual, but is getting worse.
  • I’m getting sores on my tongue
  • I’m craving chocolate all the time. I suspect my body is looking for quick energy.
  • My minor body aches are becoming bigger. Often I will have simple body aches that aren’t even noticeable, but lately my body is sore almost as if I have the flu or worked out too hard.
  • I’m very jumpy. Every time something falls or touches me, I jump a mile.
  • Open sores. I’m developing sores, like a line along my bust that feels like a bedsore and isn’t healing well.

So I expect to be resting this week.

I got my hair done yesterday. I will post a pic tomorrow when I’m up to it. It’s straight for now because we do a keratin treatment to help with tangles. It lasts longer if you leave it straight and don’t wet it for a bit.

I also bought a bunch of braces. Will show!

 

 

In Pain and Grouchy.

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All right. I’m done. I am bloody well ready to shut it down and move to the furthest edges of where Sephora delivers. I’m over this friendship business. It’s overrated.

I had a person ask me to join a group she started, because it was a mutual interest, so I did. The members seem to devote a lot of time to this group, and it happened around the time all my major nonsense started this year. I haven’t posted much to the group, nor to this person much, except to explain my situation. She deleted me today, as a friend! (Yes, I have spyware) Now, I don’t hate her or think she’s a bitch or anything, but I think it’s pretty much a pattern of how abled-disabled friendships go. Tons of assumptions are made, three months go by, well – they must be feeling better by now! They must not be interested. Where do three months go? It took me four months to see my regular pain management doctor! So much can be solved by talking. But when you have an invisible illness, who has the spoons? How hard is it to check Facebook, really? You’d be surprised.

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This is a pretty nice picture. Notice my top from Old Navy with the Zebra print. This makeup took over three hours to accomplish. I had to keep lying down to quell the nausea and pressure in my head, increasing my headache. I also was dealing with a broken crown because my medical examination last week was so painful, I grit my teeth in pain, and… well. We do need to wait until after my Botox treatment shots tomorrow, because I get lidocaine and Botox in my jaw and it helps a lot. If I need to sit with my mouth open while they tinker, it just makes sense. I mean, my jaw aches, but it’s only really bad when I bite wrong. So, we don’t need to wait, but it makes sense. In this photo I have that headache, rapping the back of my head, jaw pain, my hands are achy from fumbling for stuff, shoulders are cranky, they don’t like holding cameras, and my abdomen/hip on the right side is doing that “you really could lie down you know, sure it bunches up your neck, but so what?” But I’m still trying to look cute and show off my makeup, because this is the Internet. Everyone has a perfect life here!

Why do I do it then? Because otherwise I just lie here bored. Some days that’s all I can do. Some days I need to get my family in order. Things take a lot longer than before. My memory is bad. It must be the pain. My neck hurts so much. I can barely keep track of what I’m doing.

I have been buying tons of makeup again. Partly because I can’t keep track of what I have. I was half-joking with my husband, saying makeup is all I have. I started listing all the things that were no longer available to me:

  • Sex
  • Watching complicated television
  • Milkshakes
  • Travel
  • Dancing
  • Beaches
  • Carbonated Beverages

I went on for a while until I felt good and sorry and it was no longer funny in the slightest.

However, I have discovered a few things that I can participate in:

  • Iced tea with aspartame (I do not care, this is keeping me alive right now)
  • Watching comedians on various corners of the cable service
  • Wearing my zebra outfits
  • Lovely Brand caramels, made with condensed milk – which isn’t FODMAP friendly, but if I only have a couple I do okay. The Sea salt ones are so good!

 

This cheered me immensely.

My son turned 13 yesterday, and my husband made a FODMAP friendly cake! Isn’t he the sweetest? Chocolate, which is the boy’s favourite. The girl likes vanilla. I can’t believe I’m Mom to two teenagers. That’s so weird. I’m just a teen myself! Well, it seems that way, in my head.

Speaking of my head, I spend most of my day in it. I deliberately stay away from people and try to stay busy. I’m always doing something. I have two blogs. My kids require as much support as I can give them, my husband needs loose ends tied up, and I need to maintain my health. All from my bed! I can get pretty foul tempered when I’m in pain. I want to save whatever good mood I can muster for those to whom I’m closest. I want to be as unstressed as possible, and that means releasing myself from as many entanglements as I could.

I even told my MOTHER I needed some space right now.

I see you people hanging on there. I appreciate the hell out of you.

Don’t think I don’t see the irony of me saying “people should really talk more” and me just dropping out of society, but if you were in my head you would totally understand. I feel like there’s a gremlin on my shoulder chopping at the back of my head. My neck is stiff, it hurts to turn right or left or look up. My jaw is stiff and sore. It’s tough to think and comprehend what people are saying. It’s quite embarrassing. It gets worse as the day goes along. It feels like I was put in a blender. My brain is spinning. It’s difficult to concentrate. I’ve been working on this post for two hours now. I’ve lost parts of it. Doing anything is like this. This is not what I am like. I am efficient and organized. It’s a nightmare for me.

I don’t remember if I said this, but the doctor said he was referring me to someone who was going to examine my neck/head and potentially do a block. I think that’s what they thought, but maybe an MRI first. Or an x-ray. Would be good. I don’t want them poking around without any idea of where anything is. I mean, even the dentist takes x-rays.

My face is killing me. I only need to make it to tomorrow.

Love to you, Zebra pals! 😘

 

Finding Joy

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My pain is feeling better. My breakthrough pain is subsiding. I feel it’s under control, but still a hair-trigger trap. I am taking my breakthrough meds. It sounds like a children’s book.  “She takes her breakthrough meds for her breakthrough pain, in her breakthrough house…😀”

My son came home from his school trip last night. He wouldn’t even speak to me. He wouldn’t come near me. He was exhausted.  He hadn’t slept the whole trip. This morning he revealed he had a panic attack on the bus coming home.  After 3 days of poor sleep it isn’t surprising. I hope they weren’t too cruel, however grade 7 boys… he won’t say.

wp-1488055003514.jpgI had a good chat with my sister. I love it when she’s able to chat. Shes teaching English in Beijing.  I was whining about my flare-up and she, in the spirit of those who are oh, so well-meaning but not helpful, suggested I try hot water, trying to be funny. She suggested I drink it until I was dead. It struck me so funny. She always cheers me up. She sent me the cutest video of her dancing with one of her students! It was the cutest!

 

Let me share other places I find joy!

Beauty and self-care:

Don’t automatically knock this. There is a lot to be said for putting some effort into your routine if you’re feeling up to it one day. I don’t necessarily mean every day, if it’s not your thing. But if you enjoy it, put on makeup,  pull your hair back if you can’t do both in one day. Take some photos. Remind yourself you can look average. Do a mask. If your products are too precious, see if you have the spoons one day to make it into a Sephora or another store for a makeover, or if a friend will come over and help. Guys, too, can benefit from a mask, brow trim, and foot mask.

Box subscriptions:

There is a cost associated with this, but if you can ask for one for a gift, you may be on to something. Things like Topbox in Canada can be had for $12 per month, so shop around for your favourite things and see if there is something you can take advantage of. 

There are more than just Beauty boxes out there. There is everything from beer to razor clubs to monthly menstrual clubs. My advice is to find a regional subscription box blogger and go from there. Two I like are @pinkaboutboxes on Instagram and @girlmeetsbox also on Instagram.

Product Review Clubs:

I am a member of Influenster.ca and Chickadviser.ca. They provide samples of products to be reviewed. Influenster is very hit and miss, Chickadviser.ca you can sign up for your products, although they sometimes send you things you don’t sign up for. It’s always stuff you use anyway, like shampoo, so its not like I have to go out and try to use a chainsaw! 😃 Product Review clubs only send out products a few times per year, so it’s not a large commitment. Influenster sometimes has you post to Instagram, it’s a little more involved, but lots of lead time.

Not only does this give you a bit of a hobby if you want one, but it gets stuff for free, too. A bit of digging can show the amazing plethora of items available. Many beauty products, but that isn’t all – Chickadviser.ca has plenty of calls for other items I’m not qualified for because of my eating plan. See what is available in your area.

Blogging:

By now you’ve figured out that I blog here. 😄  I also blog http://www.squidgesbeautyhaul.wordpress.com about my Beauty purchases and collections. Is there something you collect? Are obsessed with? Maybe you should blog about it.

Instagram

I’m also on Instagram @squidgeaboo with my Beauty collection . It’s fun. I do it from bed. I take pictures of my old stuff and my new acquisitions. What could you show off in photographs? Yes, a daily photo of your cat would be a hit. It’s the internet!

Guilty Pleasures

I will share this with you as long as you promise to stay friends with me. I will reveal my most disgusting guilty pleasure. Okay? Ready? I read Teen Mom gossip. I don’t watch the show, but I can’t not know what that Farrah Abraham gets up to! I’m so ashamed!

I suggest you develop some guilty pleasures of your own. I was going to check and see when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was on because Lisa Rinna is such a train wreck (I don’t know her Irl personality, but I hear it’s less bizarre) and they are starting a Toronto one, but I think it may be detrimental, all that yelling and backbiting. I’ll think on this one.

Good TV

Good positive uplifting TV shows

  • Who Line is it Anyway?zd2spvi4vbleo
  • Bob’s Burgers
  • Mrs. Browns Boys
  • The Simpsons
  • Friends reruns
  • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The IT Crowd
  • Last Week Tonight
  • Vicar of Dibley
  • Parks and Recreation

 

Internet Surfing:

When I find I am just in the mood to surf the Web and not really to interface, there are a couple of things I do.

  • Shop. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
  • Play on Kickstarter, this is new to me. I had not realized the fun one can have, and the creative items being made here. Do not miss this.
  • One of a Kind Craft Show: This is a quarterly show in Ontario, filled with artists. They have a website, I can peruse them for hours.
  • eBay poking around: I will often play on eBay for hours, looking for old toys I once had, evaluating some of my treasures, looking for weird stuff.
  • Cracked.com: goodness. If you go here, have someone check on you. You will get lost. Fascinating articles, one leads to another.

 

There are some of the ways I ensure I have joy in my life? What do you do to make sure there is joy in your life?

Stay joyful, my zebra friends! 😘

 

 

 

 

 

A Delicate Matter

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Firstly, I am in a slightly better position as to where my pain is. I’m more stable. The area is still very tender, and I’m trying to be delicate with it. I’m as medicated as I can be, and am trying to relax.

Another piece of good news is my son is on his way home from his school trip. I’m so pleased he did it, as there was some questions about his anxiety keeping him home.

Part of relaxing, I’m finding, is staying away from social media. This is unfortunate, as I don’t have many other ways to socialize. I made many new friends after Trump was elected President in the United States, many of us lefties banded together, they let me play from Canada, and I was very happy to do so. However, I’m finding many people are not at all sensitive to the needs or lifestyle of someone with chronic pain or with a chronic illness, and it’s been a huge adjustment. Not just with new friends, either.

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This week, especially, with the lack of sleep and needing to take extra medication has really underlined this phenomenon to me. I mean, I know I’m a sensitive person, but there’s a point. I had posted something and worded it awkwardly, and instead of saying I worded it awkwardly, my friend made fun of it, like I knew, or had done it on purpose. I don’t mind the teasing, but when I’ve goofed, because I’ve been drugged and sleep deprived, don’t think I’m going to ‘get’ something. It’s almost like expecting the parents of a newborn to pick up on subtleties. Not going to work. I constantly remind myself to be flattered to be mistaken for a normal, but I get frustrated.

I had another person go off on me because I used a word she didn’t like. Often, I find, people will hear I’m disabled and hear ‘captive audience’ or ‘someone always available’ those actually in this situation know there is so much we can do, if we want to, or have the spoons! Unfortunately, I find I often get imbued with many attributes by people I’m newly meeting, which I don’t possess and are then punished when I turn out to be me.

I am particularly sensitive to these issues, I suppose, because I work so hard to express myself. It’s not something I take lightly, and I actually care about people, so when I am shoved aside accused of being uncaring based on a poor word choice after a lengthy disclaimer about being tired and on heavy meds but still trying to be there… it’s frustrating. Do people hear disability, think deformity and don’t even consider pain?

I suppose it’s just hard right now. I have a few close friends,  but no one nearby. I have friends on social media, but it seems many of them are leaving in droves as I can’t be political enough or posting enough for them. I am getting damn sick of the sexual harassment. It’s not frequent, but it’s traumatizing. Especially when you feel awful.

I didn’t mean to be such a downer today. I just feel a bit lost. I’m not sad or angry, just pensive.

Hope you’re having a great day, Zebra friends! 😘

Valentine’s Day!

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Even though I was feeling crappy last night, I got a whole bunch of parcels together that I meant to send out weeks ago. My husband put them in the mail this morning. Saint! I just adore this man. He is so good to me. He even ran an errand for my Mother, which kind of started this whole thing of mailing stuff out, because my Mom is having a skin crisis, and can’t get out for a couple of weeks because of my Dad’s caregivers’ schedule.

I love Valentine’s day. I love everything heart-shaped, symbolic heart – not actual heart, of course! I’m quite a romantic. I adore chocolate and the whole idea. I also respect those who do not celebrate, who may not be enthusiastic about the holiday, but I was not expecting to find an anti-Valentine’s rant about it being a plain commercialized money grab and we should be loving everyone every day as my first Facebook greeting this morning. In other words, it’s still not a safe place.

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I’m kind of embarrassed having feelings all over the place the past few days, but I can’t go on pretending I don’t. I’m feeling slightly better today, but I’m still raw. I need some bubble wrap for a while.

Remember how I mentioned my husband had an eye infection? It was really bad and the doctors have no idea how we don’t have it? I woke up this morning with my eye all red and pus-filled. I am going to take a Benedryl, see if that helps. It may be from crying. It may be because I let down my immune system enough that the infection came through. I was poking at it enough last night, I have no idea. It’s very sore and the light hurts.

My head is hurting, my neck is sore. I don’t feel quite so bad anymore. I’m healing. Rip and heal, rip and heal. That’s how we get stronger, right?

Stay beautiful, my Valentine Zebras! 😘

Dark Days

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I have never felt so dark as I have the past few days. The pain just feels never-ending. I don’t feel like there are any bright spots anymore. The tears keep falling. I know this is a temporary state, but damn, it’s no fun to go through.

I try so hard to be stoic all the time. I try to pretend I have this. It’s no problem for me to lie in bed all day every day and play on the computer. But it’s a huge problem. People don’t realize, I think, that when everyone on Facebook decides to have a shitty day, I don’t get to go outside and find other people to talk to. I’m stuck with what I’ve got.

I’m trying not to turn this into an ‘everybody is being mean to me’ because that is certainly not the case. I know I’m very sensitive right now, probably not safe for human consumption, and feeling very left behind, and I have no way of communicating this without feeling like I’m whining, because I’m in too much pain to do anything but whine.

I feel like my soul is being slowly ripped from my body. I just want this to end.

I was thinking yesterday, I would love to just have a day off. To just hand over my pain for a day. But whom would I burden with that? Oh, you know my first choice. Someone who needs to make decisions on health care reform. But is there someone else who needs to know what this is like? I couldn’t even do this to my ex-husband. I don’t particularly hate him, but sometimes, you know, I think he was kind of clueless.

My good friend is chronically ill. She’s lovely. She always says this thing, though, that interests me. When she’s talking about her pain she says, “but it’s nothing as bad as yours.”. She’s not the only one who does this. It’s so interesting to me because to me, pain is so individual. It may be that I’m a big wimp 😀. It’s almost not how much pain hurts, but how much it disables you.

My husband just interrupted me for a conversation. He is home today because he had a sleep study done last night. When he originally booked it, he thought it was the Family Day long weekend. I’m vaping as I blog, so I’m feeling better as I go. I’ve spilled my guts to him, and we’ve decided to cancel my dentist appointment for this afternoon. They are so darn good to me. They allow me to cancel and fit me in when they can. The weather is terrible. Snow and ice. I can’t get over the snow banks on a good day, but the ice? We have to try again. I really need a new bite guard.

So, my husband thinks I should medicate myself as much as I am allowed. Then take a warm bath. He will ensure I’m okay, and I don’t stop breathing. I mean, I’m not taking the same things as Michelle McNamara, but Patton Oswalt pulls at the heartstrings, ya know?

Our neighbour’s young daughter knocked on the door this morning to say ‘hi’. She informed my husband her father was at work and her mummy was at work. My husband told her he was at work (liar!) because sometimes they let him work from home, and our children were at school because it was Monday. Her eyes got big and expression was surprised. “Monday!” She repeated. He heard her grandmother start to frantically start to call for her two doors down, “Grandma, I’m visiting my friends!” She called back as she scrambled down the stairs.

Husband came up and began to tell me the story. We heard frantic banging against the door, as if someone were throwing their whole body against it. “Goodbye!” She called as he opened the door, “Grandma’s taking me to school!” As she flew down the steps and down the walk.

He also reminded me that it’s February and Valentine’s day is coming up. This may explain the rash of sudden expressions of love (or whatever) and some of the grouchiness. I can totally get that! Whether it’s being just sick of winter in general, or hating Valentine’s day, whether in or out of a relationship, February is a tough month.

Sometimes it is straight out hostility. It’s so funny, too, what people perceive about your life. I know I’ve lost at least one close friendship over jealousy of my relationship. It is incredibly sad, because I just figured it out recently. If this woman could only see my life now! I guess it seems great on paper, doting husband, two kids (who happen to be awesome), good drugs, lie around all day, play with makeup… but where does the horrible isolation fit in? The feeling everything you say is completely stupid and pitied? The aching in every part of your body every day, including your pubic bone? Doctors constantly questioning your mental state…are you depressed? You seem depressed. Of course I’m depressed you fucking nitwit! But this is temporary. This dark mood. They come and go.

Stay in the light, my mutant collagen cousins! 😘

Weekend!

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Hey hey! It’s Saturday! I woke up with the back of my head banging so much I felt like it was going to fly off. I’ve got my coffee and my mmj, so we shall see about that.

I stayed curled up in a ball last night. My friend didn’t make it over. We had a pretty big snow storm. 10 cm of snow isn’t a lot, but when it falls all at once, it’s a problem on city streets. She’s going to drop by today, after her massage.

I didn’t make it to my virtual party last night. I decided to join Rodan + Fields as a consultant, but only to purchase my own stuff. They call those ‘face washers’ apparently.  😂 This party was for those that were joining. I couldn’t uncurl myself enough.

I’m feeling a bit better today, not fantastic, but maybe moving will help. Going downstairs and seeing people.

Darling husband was super sweet today. He shops at Walmart every Saturday at 7:00 am, and there has been a sale on big fluffy pillows the past three weeks. He brought home one for everybody on week one and two, and two for me today, so I am just swimming in pillows. Unfortunately, he dumps things on me, so I am covered in things and can’t dig out. I will need his help later to make sense of all this. I don’t have the spoons, and my bed (our bed) looks like a bed from hoarders.

I need to find cheap tools for my mmj device. I keep losing them, and have to source more. Tried pipecleaners, not strong enough. This mmj is what is keeping me from certain death of spirit right now. It’s very high CBD, mid THC, so I can still function.

I have had the weirdest encounters with men the past few days. Normally, men are pretty respectful. I’m old, disabled, used to be pretty fat, and I’m still considered obese, but I’m about 5 lbs. away from being merely overweight! I chose a fairly man repellant icon for my Facebook photo, deliberately, not that I need to worry, yet I still had one guy in messenger saying he wanted to kiss my neck, another guy on my actual page saying he wanted to marry me! He claims he still wanted to marry me after I told him I needed a manservant to look after me, this bitch with pain, my personality does not make up for it, I wear nothing but onesies, and watch nothing but animated shows. Had to block someone on Facebook because he continually would judge my statuses, tell me I should be caring more about this or that. Just disrespectful. This one in particular was a petition on having Ivanka Trump’s Line dropped from a Canadian clothing store, which he didn’t feel is fair, because “she didnt do anything”. Disagree with me, yes, but don’t talk to me like you are my father. Anyway, I didn’t want him coming back with arguments or whining, hence the block.

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What takes the cake is my Instagram interaction this week. I deliberately chose a photo for my daughter’s birthday this week that was not so flattering. I’m glad I did. One tag I used was Aspergers. This one guy contacted me. Normal. He started chatting about struggling with Aspergers. Fine. Then he asked me if my daughter finds farts funny. Blocked.

This must be my punishment for participating in that thread and saying I wasn’t getting that much harassment so I didn’t mind friending men on social media. What is wrong with them? Does this work on anyone? If so, whom?

My friends always tell me to take my photo off my profile, use something neutral. But just because someone is a jerk, I’m not going to change my whole life.

I really, really, really love my socially awkward husband.

My friend showed up much earlier than I expected. I thought she was having a massage at 12:30 so I budgeted an hour, and then travel time, so 2:00 at the earliest, but she was here at 1:30, and I didn’t have time to finish vaping, never mind getting dressed, or finishing my blog post. But she was great, came and hung out in my bedroom. She’s so swamped at work. It’s terrible. I wish I could see her more often! We had a good catch up. My sweet husband made chocolate chip cookies. Gluten-free of course. They are delicious.

I’m still sore, my abdomen hurts. I have cramps. It feels like a bad period, or maybe a cyst. I don’t know what’s going on, but it hurts. I shouldn’t be having problems as I’m on Mirena,  so maybe it’s gastrointestinal. That makes more sense. I mean, my GI system has been bothering me since I was a toddler. I used to eat only every second or third day.

I should go do something productive, like check the weather, see if there are any storms brewing, find out how my week is going to be. Three seasons per year are tolerable here, really.

Have a stripey day, my zebras! 😘