Growing Old Together

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Yesterday turned out to be quite hellacious for me, pain-wise. We’ve been having a lot of rain and intense storms, as has much of North America, I think? I’m very sorry, I can barely concentrate on what goes on in this room. It’s supposed to be a mixed bag this summer, from what I understand. Hot, cold, rainy, all over the place.

Back to yesterday, my treatment is coming up either Tuesday or the Tuesday after, my husband isn’t certain. Which means the last injections are wearing off a bit, it doesn’t always happen, but usually. My bet is on this Tuesday, since the low-level headache started on Sunday of last week. It’s usually the first sign my treatment is coming up. It’s not that bad, it’s like a mosquito buzzing, annoying, but livable.

Where were we? Yesterday. Thunderstorms were gathering all day, and I could feel that tension in the back of my head. It was not at all pleasant, and began to creep down my neck. It felt like I had something out-of-place and it was pressing? It hurt so much.

giphy31By 9:00 my husband came to bed, and I was really hurting. I was trying not to move my neck, and it was tough to think. I had my neck pillow holding me steady. It was like something was pressing on something leading to my brain, or, like Homer Simpson, I had a crayon up my nose.

We chatted for a bit, snuggling, and he tried to boop my nose, but missed by half an inch. He’s had problems with glaucoma, surgery last November. He closed his eye and tried for the boop again. He got it! It’s sobering to realize how much vision he’s lost, but we did have a laugh. We are quite the pair. For a good few minutes last night, our bedroom sounded like “oof” “ow” “ouch” “aaagh” “dang” “crud” “ugh” “ow”! How romantic! πŸ˜„

We did get some kissy-face in, nice in a thunderstorm. But it’s tough to be all romantic with your partner when your neck is stiff and your hands lock up into mannequin hands.

This was strange, because it’s never been this bad before. I do have problems with my hands. They get stiff and sore, and I haven’t been bracing them. I also haven’t been resting them as much as I should, doing all this typing. I have been feeling the stiffness quite a lot lately. I guess last night, with the rain and thunderstorm starting at 3:00 in the afternoon, just when the kids get out from school, naturally, and raining off and on until after midnight had something to do with it.

Of course, my daughter did not wear her new rain jacket and came home drenched, but my son did wear his! Bravo!

Of course my husband was amused by my predicament, and I pretended to run my mannequin hands through his hair. There was no point in doing movie banter, he hasn’t seen any movies. I pretended to run my mannequin hands over his face, and they were fairly numb at this point, and he was laughing so hard I was afraid we’d wake the kids. Besides, my stomach was hurting.

So he went to sleep, and I stayed up listening to the storm for a while longer while trying to relax. I wanted to see if relaxation would help whatever was wrong with my neck. Finally, I decided sleep was a better choice, and bailed.

This morning finds my neck much more flexible with little pain, but you can feel a background warning. I will keep the Voltaren handy! And ensure I keep relaxed. Deep breaths. I should check the weather…

Have a fantastic day Zebra friends! 😘

 

My Wonderful Husband πŸ’™

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Things got a bit awkward? no, unfortunate last night. My darling husband and I started to snuggle, and we got about as far as Marge and Homer in the above .gif, only we were still wearing our matching pajamas (yes, every year at Christmas I buy the family matching pajamas. We are Canadian and it’s May, of course they’re on!) when suddenly I had the blinding head pain and nausea return. I was so upset. I’ve been in too much pain to be intimate for so long. Of course he understood, and just held me. He has to stop being attractive, too, though.

I was thinking if I should ask him if I could tell this story, I paused and I could almost hear him say “Why? It’s facts!” I started to cry. He’s so wonderful. Of course, just then my kids burst in with early Mother’s day gifts. They had a makeup brush I wanted and deodorant in a particular scent. They bought three sticks! My son informed me. Also, I stink. They wanted to know why I was crying, of course, so I told them it was because their dad was wonderful. They were fine with that. My husband rounded the corner shortly after and I had a chance to ask him if he would be embarrassed if I shared the story of last night. “Why, it’s facts?” He said.

Yesterday I just slept all day. I had stuff I wanted to do, but a two-hour nap turned into three, which became five… I think it was good. The pressure in my head was bad, and I needed to relax. My husband suggested I sleep in again today, but I thought if I did that I might not get up at all. When am I going to accept that he is always right? I did some makeup stuff, but the photos are awful. If I don’t feel good, the photos don’t turn out. Waste of time if I can’t show off. Or if I cringe looking at the photos.

Right now my head is throbbing and my jaw really hurts. I overdid things. My pubic bone hurts, too, likely from sitting up so long the past few days. I ache all over. I can’t remember much of any conversation. Watching TV is futile. I can only watch reruns of animated stuff I’ve seen a million times. I can’t follow other stuff. Law and Order was really bad. Archer is baffling to me. I keep calling him Bob. My husband watches sports beside me on his tablet. Or we watch together.

Ha! Husband just ran in, gave me a kiss and ran out again.

This head thing is really frustrating, but my husband really cheers me up. So glad he’s in my life. πŸ’™

For Mothers day (because my husband is such a terrible speller, we refer to it as Mothra’s day, and of course Fathead’s day. Although that may have come about as a autoreplace suggestion. πŸ€” My husband is a Fathead, yes he is! Full of knowledge!)

Anyway, I haven’t really been feeling well enough to do anything for my Mother, so in appreciation, Mom, if you are reading this, I will not take you to see Snatched this weekend, that atrocious looking movie with Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer. My Mom works so hard looking after my Dad, she deserves major snaps, because she has her own challenges, yet she cares for him tirelessly. I’ve long felt it’s easier to be the patient than the carer. I know I would have bailed long ago.

I’m feeling really frustrated with this stupid head pressure affecting things so much. I didn’t even vape yesterday because inhaling was going to hurt too much. That’s not good. I’m frustrated it’s taking from the tiny amount of leisure I was afforded. I don’t want to have to give everything up. I’ve had to give up so many hobbies already.

I’m scared it will come down to choosing between functioning and being comfortable.

Have a great evening, Zebra pals! 😘

Friends (do do do doodelly doo)

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It has been said every seven years one undergoes major life changes. Or maybe that’s Scorpio. It’s held fairly true in my life, anyway. I turn 47 in November, and my life is undergoing some real flux. One major area this is occurring seems to be friendships.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with making friends most of my life. Both of my parents have mental illness issues, and were constantly coaching me on how I should be interacting with my friends. How I could be doing better. The other messages were that I’d better hang on to any friends I get because I’m ‘ugly, stupid, and weird’. I think the motivation was to keep me from having a big ego, but I was crushed. The pain I was in with the endometriosis every month, plus my EDS pain, dismissed as ‘growing pains’. I started working at age 12, since my parents decided I should pay for everything. They would provide the room and food, which I rarely ate because I was already having stomach problems, and I bought everything else. They provided an allowance of $60 a month I think.

I barely had time for friends, but clearly I had to do whatever anyone asked of me, because that’s what friends do, right?

Set me up for 30 years of misery.

In my 20s I worked three jobs, I didn’t really have time for friends, I eventually moved away from all my high school friends, being nuts while on opioids alienated most of them. Some hate me because of my ex husband. Most have no idea what it was like growing up in my house. The suicide attempts.

When I was in my 30s I joined a baby names board. It was fantastic. I had a tribe. Until someone decided I was an addict and called me out. Nobody defended me. Lost a lot of people. I wasn’t an addict, but was on those damned short acting opioids that weren’t that great. Dependent yes. She was saying I was Rush Limbaugh.

Our friendships moved to MySpace then to Facebook. I got closer to some people. I was still mobile, seeing people at Meetup.com and having friends. But all my guy friends were still handsy, and my girl friends all required gifts and only talked about themselves. But that’s the cost of having friends, right?

I hardly go on Facebook now. I mean, a couple of times a day, vs sitting on it like before. Before, I used to chat with friends, but now everyone just wants to argue or sell you something or have sex.

I used to post on friends’ statuses, but now their friends want to aggressively argue with me. Or criticize. Or completely ignore. I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s what the place has become.

A bunch of my friends have drifted away. The bunch that I talked to on a regular basis. What a strange coincidence. This hasn’t left me friendless, of course. But the ones I have remaining aren’t the ones you speak to every single day.

But you know what? I feel peaceful.

I feel like I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m engaging with people in small bits. I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not angry. I’m not listening to people’s problems.

I am able to engage with people I care about.

Perhaps it is just that I don’t have the energy right now to be more to anyone. My son has been coming for snuggles each night and it’s wonderful. Β We need the connection. I owe my Mom a phone call, but I just don’t have the energy.

I’m finally learning to set boundaries.

I’m trying to let myself not feel guilty. There’s a stupid tape in my head about having to be social. It’s idiotic.

Maybe we will drift back together, maybe not. Maybe we’re just keeping different hours right now and things will change. Maybe they are ghosting me. I’m focusing on what I can control. Those who are responsive in my life, and what I can do to be comfortable.

Am I horrible?

My headache is subsiding, I just want to sleep πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€!

Have a great day Zebra pals! πŸ˜™

PS, I was having a ruminate about what bothered me so much about the men (and women) being forward on Facebook messenger. Β There are two things. First is it’s rather like being cold called in your messages. Another telemarketing tactic? Although, with the amount of sales going on, yeah. And Second, you are treated rather like a non person. As I move through life having things explained to my husband, being shoved out of the way in my chair, it feels really great to be reminded I can’t even participate in the dirty nasty with my own husband.

Maybe it would make me less grouchy? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚