Mixed Emotions

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I have the feels again. These are mostly anger and shock. I’m finally vaping the higher dose THC pot this morning. I mixed it with just a bit of my regular stuff because it has certainly little cannabinoid in there and I wanted it to be something substantial, not a desperation experiment. Well, here I am, and my back doesn’t hurt finally. I don’t feel stupid. I feel tired, but relaxed. Cold. My pubic bone hurts. My hands hurt. I don’t feel like sitting around playing video games. I feel productive. Artistic. Comfortable, almost. Getting there. I’m hungry.

I know I’m angry. Angry that I was kept from pain relief because… why? I can’t be in as much pain as I say I am? I must be a drug seeker? I remember joking with a (male, ironically) friend about us potentially being roofied, and surprising some guy/gal by saying “ooh, I feel great, do you have another of those things you slipped in my drink?” 😄 I’m one of those EDSers that is tough to drug. I used to blame my weight, but I don’t think that’s entirely it. I seem to have a high drug tolerance.

My body has been feeling not hellish for five minutes, it’s been nice. I have been struggling through. I put together a post for the beauty blog yesterday. It took me all day, but it gave my day some structure. I took a couple of naps, rearranged some things on my computer, watched TV. It was nice and peaceful. I remember how my parents used to nag me about making friends and being friends and going outside, and I have brief moments of anxiety that I’m not talking to enough people. But then I remember what happened last time I spoke to people, and I hide under the covers.

So, to recap, emotions: anger at my old pot doctor for withholding working drugs from me, gratefulness to my new pot doctor for listening and caring, anger and hate toward my genes for this situation to begin with, happiness at the momentary relief, annoyance at my internal dialogue, bliss at the momentary silence.

I was so out of it with pain the other day my husband came over to help me fid something. He handed it to me and I actually said, “Good Boy!”. WE DO NOT HAVE DOGS!!!

My Botox treatment is on April 4th, so that is one week. I just need to hang on a while longer, and we start the circus again. I can feel the pain in my head returning, I’ve had a slow, dull headache for a couple of days now. My neck and jaw just ache.

I want to crawl out of my body. Just leave it behind like an exoskeleton.

Wishing you a great day Zebra buddies! 😘

Self Care

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I have been trying to catch up on reading blog posts, but I can’t focus long enough to read through a whole post. I have a great makeup idea, but I am just too tired and sore. I have things for the Instagram and my blog for tomorrow. I can throw my Beauty Blog post together in 45 minutes, will anyone notice if I don’t post? 🙄

I’m going to try to read, then nap until my kids leave school. I’m shaking. After they are home I will decide what’s next.

My toenails may not get painted today, unless I need the stretch.

So worn out I’m seeing double!  I don’t hurt if I don’t move. Okay, maybe I will read when I wake up…

Be kind to yourself Zebras! 😘

Just Call Me Oscar

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I am so grouchy today. I have been for the past few days,  actually. If I look at the calendar, it seems to happen around the same few days every month. Isn’t that interesting? This blog is so helpful. 😄😄😄 I’m on Mirena, so I don’t have other cues to go by. I’m also freezing cold, can’t get warm, very tired and uncomfortable. Is that due to my illnesses? Is that due to the extreme cold weather alert? Coincidence? I might as well track it.

I’m trying to be my usual cheerful, yet practical self, but I’m feeling jealous and moody. I don’t feel like talking to people, and I don’t even want to play makeup. I just want to sleep so I can get warm. There are supposed to be two back to back blizzards here Monday and Tuesday, and I have a doctor appointment both days. I’m especially dreading this, because we’ve decided to take cabs, and being nauseated in the back of a cab is hellacious. The parking would cost as much and my husband would have to leave me to get the car, or I would have to walk…cabs are easier, just scary.

I was looking forward to a change of scenery, but I didn’t want it to be nerve-wracking, but I’m probably blowing it up in my mind because I don’t have too many other major things going on at the moment. Except a dull headache. They also call snowstorms blizzards in this city. I’m from the prairies where blizzards trap you in your house for days. I need to remind myself of these things.

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I also can’t change these appointments, as one is piggybacking on to my husband’s appointment, and the other is just squeaking by my medicinal marijuana renewal.

Next week is spring break, so no fighting with the boy about going to school, so maybe my acne will clear up! What was fun about being a teenager again? I have money now, and it’s no fun!

Hopefully tomorrow this will have passed. I don’t like myself like this. I want to leave me in a corner and go be with fun people. I will likely put on some TV and organize my extensive makeup and skincare collection. (It’s my thing, I can’t even wear nice clothes, it’s all pajamas) I’ll just be quiet. Calm. Wait for it to pass. Enjoy that there isn’t crippling pain attached and gear up for the next two days. My cannabis doctor is a new one, so that will be an expenditure of spoons.

Have a wonderful day, my Zebra brothers and sisters, and everything you identify as! 😙

Space Toilets

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I was reminded of a story about my son, who is almost 13. He has Aspergers, and suffers from anxiety. He had heard about debris being let go from planes and it landing on people and animals, sometimes hurting or killing them. We talked about this, and he understood the waste from planes rarely hits anyone in Canada, because of our sparse population, and even though he knew it was wrong, his brain had made it so he was afraid toilets would fall from the sky. He laughed with us at the ridiculousness of this, but was still afraid to go outside for a week. Isn’t it funny how our brain works sometimes? I miss this kid.

I made sure I took my full complement of meds today, with vaping, and I had so much pain, still. I even took my breakthrough meds, and nothing. I got a lot of odds and ends done this morning, and this afternoon, I played with makeup. I tried a new palette and took some photos. It was fine, but you could see the pain in my face. I had fun, though.

I spent some time photographing my collections. That was distracting. My sleep specialist doctor called. She wanted to rebook my appointment. This is the doctor that monitors my CPAP machine. I was supposed to see her today, but couldn’t get there on my own. So we rebooted for the 6th of March. The office calls back 5 hours later to book an appointment with my husband for the results of his sleep study. I then introduce myself and we find a day we can do the appointments back to back, and settle for March 13. My husband is quite slim, but snores, and occasionally stops breathing while he sleeps. It’s like he holds his breath. Not a fan. I was supposed to let the doctor know every time I gained or lost 20 lbs. Oopsie. I have about 80 missing. I suspect another test in my future.

Another first last night. I was shopping on Sephora, and bought a gorgeous lip gloss, I requested notification of restock on two other colours. Those colours came into stock around 11:30 and I remember looking at the email… but I guess I must have purchased them, because they are on their way! 😃

It’s been rough trying to communicate lately, I’ve been just falling down exhausted. I’m just floored by the number of people who have no issue with mocking what I’m saying or how I’ve said something. I’m not always the most elegant speaker, but goddamnit, I am so anxious about it, why do I get kicked when I finally try?

I was once a part of this group, it was a very important group to me. It was online. I had tons of friends, I had thought. I was trying to explain about my pain and what it was like to be on those horrible oxycodone pills, that you had to take every four hours, but would wear out at hour three, so you were in screaming pain for an hour. I had mentioned my prescription kept increasing, and some ‘person’ decided I was a drug addicted drug abuser who was abusing my children. Went off the rails, I was not well enough nor grounded enough to defend myself, and poof. Life gone. No more friendships. I was compared to Rush Limbaugh. For the record, I absolutely took my medication as prescribed. I am notorious for under-medicating, actually, which is terrible. I should be absolutely consistent and on time, but it’s hard to remember, or I will do it in a minute!

I don’t know why I’m so introspective today. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I’ve been struck by the amount of ableist initiatives our government is putting forth, and I’m almost in the mood to start making a stink about one or two.

Almost.

Maybe it’s been one too many times of explaining why I am this way, or why I can’t… or why I can’t do something. I feel a lot of loss lately.

I’m going to troll around and do some reading, edit some of my photos.

Stay warm, my zebra friends! 😘