More Feelings

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Wasn’t it just three weeks ago I was all tearful and sobbing? Yeah it was. I checked the date, January 21, 2017. Here I am feeling like an idiot again. This is kind of hard to explain to people who don’t have chronic pain, and maybe this is something that is really unique to me, but let me try to explain how I feel. Firstly, my body feels like I was in a bar fight last night, with the Montreal Canadiens. And Tie Domi. I also feel like I may never ever stop feeling like this. I worry I’m starting to become a burden.

People tell me “don’t be silly, or don’t think so negatively!” I’d rather have evidence that I’m not a burden.

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Then, when I get onto social media and everyone is sniping, speaking condescendingly to me, missing obvious hyperbole, being obstinate for no purpose… I find myself ditched by people I had admired… my feelings are hurt, but not in a “whyyyy?” way, but in a “am I really this out of touch?” way. It makes you rethink people you had associated with and trusted. I continue to place my trust in the wrong places and be burned. I fight the urge to pull back because it is not going to be advantageous in the long run. Only if I continue to put myself out there, will I make valuable connections along the way. Some tears will be spilled. But if we’ve experienced no failures, it means we’ve taken no chances.

Maybe I’d be stronger on a better day. Today I feel like everybody thinks I’m an asshole. Which doesn’t mean they don’t like me, but that I’m really not that bright. I do get that a lot. Thinking about it now, it only bothers me from the few people who know me and think this anyway.

It’s as if makeup sucks the intelligence out of your head. Dare to show an interest in artistry, and God forbid a concrete thought enter your brain.

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I don’t know why people who have known me for years don’t ask me questions and instead get defensive. If I say something that comes off mean, I’ve probably missed a word! Or a sentence! I don’t think I’ve ever said anything deliberately mean to anyone. So why don’t people ask me? It’s not like something actually happened recently, it’s just this has been on my mind.

My Mom sent me an email around midnight last night saying her skin was itchy and flaky, so I called her today, and we went over some options. I think Husband needs to stop at the drug store to get some things and I will ship it to her since she can’t get out because of looking after my Dad. I have the nicest man in the world! I just talked with him and he was so accommodating!

My husband and son are out shopping for shoes for the kid and getting Panda Express for dinner. It’s off my diet, FODMAP, but what’s more pain? That orange chicken is worth it! I was in labour for 96 hours with that girl! Oh, this is my daughter’s birthday dinner. We are starting early and snacking all day.

It’s super snowy here today, so I know that’s making things worse. 😣 My pain gets bad in snow, and awful when temperature fluctuates.

I should go play with some makeup, that ought to make me feel better. Maybe.

Have a bendy day, zebra friends! 😘

Weekend!

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Hey hey! It’s Saturday! I woke up with the back of my head banging so much I felt like it was going to fly off. I’ve got my coffee and my mmj, so we shall see about that.

I stayed curled up in a ball last night. My friend didn’t make it over. We had a pretty big snow storm. 10 cm of snow isn’t a lot, but when it falls all at once, it’s a problem on city streets. She’s going to drop by today, after her massage.

I didn’t make it to my virtual party last night. I decided to join Rodan + Fields as a consultant, but only to purchase my own stuff. They call those ‘face washers’ apparently.  😂 This party was for those that were joining. I couldn’t uncurl myself enough.

I’m feeling a bit better today, not fantastic, but maybe moving will help. Going downstairs and seeing people.

Darling husband was super sweet today. He shops at Walmart every Saturday at 7:00 am, and there has been a sale on big fluffy pillows the past three weeks. He brought home one for everybody on week one and two, and two for me today, so I am just swimming in pillows. Unfortunately, he dumps things on me, so I am covered in things and can’t dig out. I will need his help later to make sense of all this. I don’t have the spoons, and my bed (our bed) looks like a bed from hoarders.

I need to find cheap tools for my mmj device. I keep losing them, and have to source more. Tried pipecleaners, not strong enough. This mmj is what is keeping me from certain death of spirit right now. It’s very high CBD, mid THC, so I can still function.

I have had the weirdest encounters with men the past few days. Normally, men are pretty respectful. I’m old, disabled, used to be pretty fat, and I’m still considered obese, but I’m about 5 lbs. away from being merely overweight! I chose a fairly man repellant icon for my Facebook photo, deliberately, not that I need to worry, yet I still had one guy in messenger saying he wanted to kiss my neck, another guy on my actual page saying he wanted to marry me! He claims he still wanted to marry me after I told him I needed a manservant to look after me, this bitch with pain, my personality does not make up for it, I wear nothing but onesies, and watch nothing but animated shows. Had to block someone on Facebook because he continually would judge my statuses, tell me I should be caring more about this or that. Just disrespectful. This one in particular was a petition on having Ivanka Trump’s Line dropped from a Canadian clothing store, which he didn’t feel is fair, because “she didnt do anything”. Disagree with me, yes, but don’t talk to me like you are my father. Anyway, I didn’t want him coming back with arguments or whining, hence the block.

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What takes the cake is my Instagram interaction this week. I deliberately chose a photo for my daughter’s birthday this week that was not so flattering. I’m glad I did. One tag I used was Aspergers. This one guy contacted me. Normal. He started chatting about struggling with Aspergers. Fine. Then he asked me if my daughter finds farts funny. Blocked.

This must be my punishment for participating in that thread and saying I wasn’t getting that much harassment so I didn’t mind friending men on social media. What is wrong with them? Does this work on anyone? If so, whom?

My friends always tell me to take my photo off my profile, use something neutral. But just because someone is a jerk, I’m not going to change my whole life.

I really, really, really love my socially awkward husband.

My friend showed up much earlier than I expected. I thought she was having a massage at 12:30 so I budgeted an hour, and then travel time, so 2:00 at the earliest, but she was here at 1:30, and I didn’t have time to finish vaping, never mind getting dressed, or finishing my blog post. But she was great, came and hung out in my bedroom. She’s so swamped at work. It’s terrible. I wish I could see her more often! We had a good catch up. My sweet husband made chocolate chip cookies. Gluten-free of course. They are delicious.

I’m still sore, my abdomen hurts. I have cramps. It feels like a bad period, or maybe a cyst. I don’t know what’s going on, but it hurts. I shouldn’t be having problems as I’m on Mirena,  so maybe it’s gastrointestinal. That makes more sense. I mean, my GI system has been bothering me since I was a toddler. I used to eat only every second or third day.

I should go do something productive, like check the weather, see if there are any storms brewing, find out how my week is going to be. Three seasons per year are tolerable here, really.

Have a stripey day, my zebras! 😘