Mid Break Update

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I am really feeling better. I have taken a giant step back, I feel. I am streamlining my life.

I have divested myself of my Beauty blog. That was difficult. I’m disappointed. I enoyed that so much. I don’t know that it was hugely popular, but I enjoyed it. The commitment was too much, however. I will still continue to play with makeup. It is excellent therapy. It keeps my hands nimble, keeps me moving and motivated. I have a reason to sit up straight for a while, although I can lie down and apply makeup!

I’v pared down my Facebook friends list. I was originally going to delete everyone, and keep my account only as an identifier to log on to websites, but as I was deleting people, there were some who… well, I just couldn’t get rid of right away. I thought I would do two phases. Then, I decided to live with the smaller list for a few days. I like it. So far, it might be the level of socializing I need. Unfortunately, in my haste, I know I let some people go, people I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember everyone, though. I do hope they will be back.

After the US election last year, I added tons of friends, thinking there would be opportunities to make some great friendships. I did make some friends. But I overestimated my ability to actively participate in friendship. It’s also interesting to see who had left long ago.  But I think this was a mistake, overall. As social and gung-ho as I sometimes feel, I sometimes don’t take the time to guard my emotions or protect myself from potential toxic friendships. I need to be more vigilant.

I feel like I have been doing a lot of things in the wrong way lately. Perhaps pushing things too hard when I should be letting go. I’ve been complaining and feeling that I have no friends, but I do, and I have. I couldn’t see them for the riff-raff. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I would be disingenuous if I didn’t. I think, however, those who have been in acute pain for any length of time will understand, at least, how I may have been feeling.

I’m feeling far more zen. Focusing on myself. My family. Becoming well within myself. Banishing negativity. It is hard, because my body is going through hell, but I know it’s for the best.

I’m decorating my space with pretty things. I’m organizing everything I can get my hands on.  It’s one of my favourite things.

The muscles in my back have been killing me, partly from getting rid of stress, partly from overdoing it. My head still hurts. I have almost constant migraines and facial pain, but I try to not think about it. Keeping up with the medications help.

Another issue is that I am bad at taking my medication. I am now committed to taking my full dose at proper times, and it’s helping a lot. I know I am being stupid about this, but I lost a bunch of friends on a message board when someone decided I was a drug addict for taking my medication (it was the wrong type at the time, not a good fit, I was going through a nightmare on this stuff, so I really wasn’t great at defending myself) and it’s affected me. I am working on this.

My kids are really struggling. I am trying to be more present for them. My son does not, in fact, have Autism, but a series of learning disabilities. My daughter, does have Autism. Both have anxiety disorders. Brilliant kids, struggle to leave the house.

Be well, see you on the first!

Sickie!

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Although I think I’m done with the cat puking phase… 😂. It’s terrible when you have two kids in school, and a husband who is in different offices. He has to work in different spaces sometimes. Not to mention the amount of doctors offices and hospitals we hang out in. I feel like im not catching things as often as I was, and I’m getting over them more quickly, so there’s that.

So I’ve been curled up in warm blankets, shivering. My husband was even with me on Monday, but I wasn’t too bad then. Tuesday I slept, and Wednesday, I alternately slept and expelled kittens.

I was going to try and do some things today, but i asked my husband for some warm clothes, and he laughed at me and handed me the cold medicine. The nighttime stuff. I suppose he’s right. I’m so achy and cold I will probably need today just to warm up.

It’s not THAT bad a flu, though. Might as well coddle myself, since I have the opportunity! Warm blankets… my shoulders are really sore, though. Incredibly sore. They go along with the rest of the body aches, but I’ve never had anything target my shoulders before. Strange.

Oh, and our neighbors are having work done on their house this week and it echoes right into our bedroom. Good thing I can sleep through almost anything. Daughter brought me noise cancelling headphones and i slept through my alarm. 😃

Ok. Time for rest.  We’re all getting flu shots when healthy. I insist. I’m not doing this all winter. I’ll be down to my birthweight.

In Pain and Grouchy.

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All right. I’m done. I am bloody well ready to shut it down and move to the furthest edges of where Sephora delivers. I’m over this friendship business. It’s overrated.

I had a person ask me to join a group she started, because it was a mutual interest, so I did. The members seem to devote a lot of time to this group, and it happened around the time all my major nonsense started this year. I haven’t posted much to the group, nor to this person much, except to explain my situation. She deleted me today, as a friend! (Yes, I have spyware) Now, I don’t hate her or think she’s a bitch or anything, but I think it’s pretty much a pattern of how abled-disabled friendships go. Tons of assumptions are made, three months go by, well – they must be feeling better by now! They must not be interested. Where do three months go? It took me four months to see my regular pain management doctor! So much can be solved by talking. But when you have an invisible illness, who has the spoons? How hard is it to check Facebook, really? You’d be surprised.

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This is a pretty nice picture. Notice my top from Old Navy with the Zebra print. This makeup took over three hours to accomplish. I had to keep lying down to quell the nausea and pressure in my head, increasing my headache. I also was dealing with a broken crown because my medical examination last week was so painful, I grit my teeth in pain, and… well. We do need to wait until after my Botox treatment shots tomorrow, because I get lidocaine and Botox in my jaw and it helps a lot. If I need to sit with my mouth open while they tinker, it just makes sense. I mean, my jaw aches, but it’s only really bad when I bite wrong. So, we don’t need to wait, but it makes sense. In this photo I have that headache, rapping the back of my head, jaw pain, my hands are achy from fumbling for stuff, shoulders are cranky, they don’t like holding cameras, and my abdomen/hip on the right side is doing that “you really could lie down you know, sure it bunches up your neck, but so what?” But I’m still trying to look cute and show off my makeup, because this is the Internet. Everyone has a perfect life here!

Why do I do it then? Because otherwise I just lie here bored. Some days that’s all I can do. Some days I need to get my family in order. Things take a lot longer than before. My memory is bad. It must be the pain. My neck hurts so much. I can barely keep track of what I’m doing.

I have been buying tons of makeup again. Partly because I can’t keep track of what I have. I was half-joking with my husband, saying makeup is all I have. I started listing all the things that were no longer available to me:

  • Sex
  • Watching complicated television
  • Milkshakes
  • Travel
  • Dancing
  • Beaches
  • Carbonated Beverages

I went on for a while until I felt good and sorry and it was no longer funny in the slightest.

However, I have discovered a few things that I can participate in:

  • Iced tea with aspartame (I do not care, this is keeping me alive right now)
  • Watching comedians on various corners of the cable service
  • Wearing my zebra outfits
  • Lovely Brand caramels, made with condensed milk – which isn’t FODMAP friendly, but if I only have a couple I do okay. The Sea salt ones are so good!

 

This cheered me immensely.

My son turned 13 yesterday, and my husband made a FODMAP friendly cake! Isn’t he the sweetest? Chocolate, which is the boy’s favourite. The girl likes vanilla. I can’t believe I’m Mom to two teenagers. That’s so weird. I’m just a teen myself! Well, it seems that way, in my head.

Speaking of my head, I spend most of my day in it. I deliberately stay away from people and try to stay busy. I’m always doing something. I have two blogs. My kids require as much support as I can give them, my husband needs loose ends tied up, and I need to maintain my health. All from my bed! I can get pretty foul tempered when I’m in pain. I want to save whatever good mood I can muster for those to whom I’m closest. I want to be as unstressed as possible, and that means releasing myself from as many entanglements as I could.

I even told my MOTHER I needed some space right now.

I see you people hanging on there. I appreciate the hell out of you.

Don’t think I don’t see the irony of me saying “people should really talk more” and me just dropping out of society, but if you were in my head you would totally understand. I feel like there’s a gremlin on my shoulder chopping at the back of my head. My neck is stiff, it hurts to turn right or left or look up. My jaw is stiff and sore. It’s tough to think and comprehend what people are saying. It’s quite embarrassing. It gets worse as the day goes along. It feels like I was put in a blender. My brain is spinning. It’s difficult to concentrate. I’ve been working on this post for two hours now. I’ve lost parts of it. Doing anything is like this. This is not what I am like. I am efficient and organized. It’s a nightmare for me.

I don’t remember if I said this, but the doctor said he was referring me to someone who was going to examine my neck/head and potentially do a block. I think that’s what they thought, but maybe an MRI first. Or an x-ray. Would be good. I don’t want them poking around without any idea of where anything is. I mean, even the dentist takes x-rays.

My face is killing me. I only need to make it to tomorrow.

Love to you, Zebra pals! 😘