Just Breathe

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Oh, well, things are back to normal. Life is back to kick me in the ass and remind me I am sub-human, in case I had forgotten. One of the latest games is to obnoxiously correct my grammar as I am trying to form a sentence. I’m just pleased if I can communicate an idea, never mind if I remembered it was try to instead of try and. Maybe people are thrilled they can bulldoze me for the first time. Worse,  however, is I can still hear that horrified ‘oh my God’ when referred to my size in the conversation of last week. I mean, I’m 5’8″. When I carry extra weight, I look huge.

So, I’m finding being judged at every turn very tiring. Everyone has something to say. There are actually people in this world who believe you draw to you everything that happens. Therefore, if I am suffering pain, I must be a bad person. Genetic? Bad in a past life. I’m fat? Then using a wheelchair because I’m lazy, no other reason. Now that I’m close to average size, I’m treated so much better by doctors and strangers. My friends are gone, though. That often with weight loss, I’ve heard.

I’ve been suffering a lot of knee pain. It keeps me awake at night. It’s awful. I hope it goes away. I have been bracing like crazy at night. My shoulders are really bothering me. I’m not certain how I could brace them, but I’m resting and keeping warm.

So many doctors have turned me down! I can’t get a specialist! They keep saying to wait until the EDS Clinic sees me. I’m so glad we are 5 weeks away. My clinic is no longer doing Botox. Great. Just found out. My head isn’t too bad, knock wood! I think many are not comfortable without the specialist support. So we wait and take things easy.

My days have nice flow. Wake at 6. Breakfast, coffee, Instagram. See kids off to school. Deal with emergencies. Play with makeup.  Lunch. Crafts for an hour. Nap. Tidy, hang out, organize. Time with husband, night meds and snack. Sleep, painsomnia, sleep.

God, my face hurts. 😣

Not so Bad?

I didn’t really sleep last night, but lay curled in a ball on my side. Aside from some urgent puking at around 3 am, things seemed to go okay. Husband leaped out of bed at the clank of the bucket and grabbed the Gravol. I’m still nauseated as hell, and I have the bed spins when I lay on my back.

Husband whispered he would take me to the ER this morning as soon as he got everything settled, but of course I’m feeling better now, although my stomach is still lurching. I wonder if it’s just time or if it was a migraine. If it’s bad again, I’m going. It seems to be worse if anything touches the back of my head, or if I’m not laying on my side.

I guess we shall see what the next few hours brings.

 

On another note, I’ve accepted that I’m too sensitive for social media right now. Really, I’m too sensitive for more than one person at a time right now. I’m not going to go all dramatic and post some goodbye notices, but I’m just acknowledging that it’s not you, it’s me. And that’s okay.

Facebook: where everyone is sure you’re an asshole, and they can’t wait to prove it to you.

Okay, popped some Benadryl. Pray for me.

I need this to be done. My daughter has a dance performance tonight, it’s going to run long and late. My husband should go, and I need to be here with our 13-year-old. He won’t last (autism).

My eyes aren’t right. They aren’t focusing. It’s like it’s foggy, or my glasses are steamed up a bit. Or my eye is lagging. My neck is really sore. I’m so worn out. Today will be quiet. I hope it helps.

Stay flexible my Zebra pals. And hang on, here go the bed spins again! 😄