Current Mood: Exasperated

Over the weekend, I managed to get a lot of rest in and my abdominal pain is resolving. This makes me question the cyst

giphy28

Current Mood in Action

theory, although, I did have a major bout of nausea last night, which is what I was looking for. It just sseems very short. These used to last a week or so, and this was a good two to three days shorter. Now, I haven’t had one in a few years. I am getting older, that may be a factor. My Mom was 11 years older before menopause really started, she said, so I guess it’s time for peri-menopause at the least. I should likely have my hormones checked. I’m interested in what my thyroid is doing. I’m pretty sure my GP has his eye on it. This is the major problem with having illnesses. Routine, important maintenance gets pushed to the side, often with the assumption ‘someone else’ is looking after it. I have so many things I’m chasing right now it isn’t funny!

 

giphy27

Not all, of course! Ha!

Anyway, my ovary whatever seems to have resolved itself, so I’m not being attacked from the inside, but my abdominal muscles, the whole of my abdomen feels like it was removed. Remember that doll, Skipper, that was pregnant? You could take her abdomen off? That part is burning fiercely.

It feels like someone has taken a blowtorch and actually removed that part of my stomach. I have no idea why. The surgeries I’ve had in the area are gallbladder and appendix, are they enough to cause that pain? Oh and two c-sections.

Once again, I’m back to eight days from my shots. Botox for migraines and EDS. So my back is aching. My low level

giphy26

Chris O’Dowd looks so much like my husband. Back in the day. He’s neater now. 😄

headache is ramping up, and my neck is really sore. I’m back to the nausea and headache and dizziness problems I had before. When I was in so much pain and couldn’t move, I wasn’t thinking about how ill I felt. Now that I’m on less medication and am upright and have peeled away a layer of pain I can feel it. The problem is, it’s not bad enough to be debilitating,  but it sure is bad enough to make me grouchy. I’m trying to be kind, but I don’t like myself on days like this. 😦 I’m watching some comedy and staying isolated to try to help.

Almost there!

It’s supposed to rain off and on this week, and that never helps. I’m going to play with some Maybelline makeup  #igotitfree through @chickadvisor. Pretty awesome. Then, a nap!

I am not going to have the strength to talk to people I think. I won’t be able to censor myself. I snapped at my son yesterday for no reason. It’s not fair. I’m too worn out. I’m trying to catch up on blogs, but it’s all I can do to press like sometimes. I don’t get there, some days.

No, wait. I did have a reason to snap at my son. But it still wasnt fair. I asked him not to come into my area while I was trying to fix a problem and he did anyway because he is autistic, and I am in pain but trying anyway. I made a mistake and apologized. He made a mistake and apologized. Better.

Okay. Need to conserve spoons.

Stay strong, Zebra pals! 😘

Bedtime Tidbits

giphy16

Have you ever had that sensation where you’re in bed, I’m usually staring at my tablet, and suddenly I have no idea what time of day or night it is. I have no idea if I should be getting up or going to sleep. Probably a me thing.

I spent another day sleeping. I started out having a normal day, then playing, but I got my foundation on and realized I was just too tired and dizzy.

Last night, husband and I were fighting to stay awake from 9:00. Our son wasn’t in bed and was pulling the ‘I can’t sleep’ but you’ve only been in bed for five minutes….routine. We were probably asleep by 10.

I said to my husband this morning I was finally rested enough to go to bed. I was just at the point where I could settle down, cuddle up and chat for a while, only to drift off blissfully.

So I did that this afternoon. Only alone! I’m still too tired to partner up again. Which is fine, there’s stuff going on, I’m just worn out today. It’s raining, that seems to have something to do with it.

I hope you enjoyed this bonus episode!

New Attitude

giphy12

I’m not gonna lie, the death of Chris Cornell has hit me hard. Aside from the usual fangirling, the man was only 5 years older than I am.  His voice is just something that moves me like nothing else. I’ve been randomly bursting into tears. But it really has brought about some changes and reflection.

Honestly, everyone, absolutely everyone has baggage we can’t

giphy13

Chris Cornell 

see. So why is this world becoming so very hostile? I truly don’t understand, but I am not about to be trampled any longer.

All my life I’ve tried so hard to be wonderful, to be accepted. To have friends. To be loved and nice and well thought of. What has it gotten me? Some truly outrageous behaviour by some people. 

  • A person I went to  high school with lectured me in front of a group of people at my 20 year reunion about what a stupid mistake it had been to marry my ex-husband.
  • My mother in law tried to convince my husband to take our two kids and leave me because I was sick. She was convinced he could find someone ‘well’ to look after him, because that’s what he deserves.
  • She also refused to have my name put on the car insurance for the car they essentially gave us because she didn’t want me driving it for ‘fun’. I wanted to be able to take the kids to hospital if need be. Husband threatened to return the car. I never drove it anyway. I’ve given up driving because of my medication.
  • My ex husband offered his business associates the opportunity to have sex with me in lieu of the money he owed them. I found this out years later. I was not complicit.
  • I chose a certain woman to be matron of honour at my wedding, she told me many years on another woman was so bitter about not being chosen she complained the whole time. Why did I have to know? I was friends with the complainer for another ten years before we had an ugly breakup where she accidently sent me an email saying ugly things about me.

So, my point is, if I’m getting this treatment after trying my hardest, why am I trying so hard? This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. I don’t know why I inspire such hatred sometimes. Such loathing. My good friend’s husband still hates me 20 years after I had to drop out of their wedding. I don’t think he gets that my then husband took every dime I was making and was alienating my relatives. I couldn’t go to them. I still cry at night over that.  Why do people seem to think I’m unaware of the stupid things I’ve done? Or maybe there was good reason?

I’m sliding into a mode where I can only do for me now. I wake up. I coffee up. Med up. Breakfast. Vape. Get some makeup. Why do I makeup? Internet likes? No. But it’s fun to show my work. I like to zen out. I can relax. Be creative. And I can touch a part of myself that doesn’t hurt. My face. It takes two sometimes three hours to get my face on and photographed. Not because I’m slow, but because I need to rest so much. I lie down and get my pressure regulated or rest my hands. Then I nap. Dinner, visit with husband, bed. Meds in there, interspersed. My kids visit. They’re pretty independent. They need me, though. Don’t get me wrong.

Frankly, the way I’m feeling, I could really sleep all day. Every day. But really, that’s no fun at all.

IMG_20170520_092331_285

EDS Awareness Look

My head and neck are still bothering me, and are really ramping up, in fact. Yesterday was bad. I did a makeup look for EDS awareness month, and I was so tired after. I wanted to post to the blog, but I was going to have a quick nap. Four hours. Probably best that I didn’t. It would have been angry.

I have been wracking my mind. If your relationships are all crap, you should really look at the common denominator. That’s me. I need to change something. Everyone can’t be a jerk, right?

I do have some very loyal friends, however. Don’t think my life is bleak and terrible. Oddly enough, they almost all seem to be nurses or have chronic illnesses themselves. I am constantly amazed at my husband.

I often wonder: do I not share enough? Am I not upfront enough? Am I too retiring? Am I too pushy?

But you know what? I can’t anymore. I just need to live. I will continue to be kind, as always. Respectful, of course. But I can’t work so hard anymore. I need to focus on myself. I need to focus on me. I’m project #1 right now. Family is second. I used to worry there would be nobody to attend my funeral. I can’t anymore. I can’t worry about my afterlife when I’m not even living this one. Such as it is. It’s mine.

I need to build it.

Have a great day, fellow Zebras! 😘

20170207_181025

My Kid and Me

I can’t believe my daughter is fifteen today! It’s shocking to me. It seems like only yesterday she was an actual infant. Or I was in labour for one of my 96 hours. They were trying to keep her in until she reached her full term state of 37 weeks, but since she was 7lbs 11 oz, I think she was OK.  Remember, I’m 5’8″ and her Dad is 6’5″, albeit skinny, so she comes by it honestly.

Pregnancy was tough. I had lots of aches and pains. I was exhausted. I hadn’t been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome yet, but had severe endometriosis. I had constant ligament pain and nausea. I lost 30 lbs in my first trimester from vomiting. (I had it to lose) I came home every night, had apple juice and cheetos and fell asleep. I craved nachos and orange juice (not together) so much, and I hate orange juice!

I had to go on bed rest for the last two months because I was suffering from symphysis pubis. I tried chiropractic, as they were the only ones offering solutions, but I had no idea about EDSers and chiropractic compatibility. He did get me into orthotics, which was amazing.

During this time, husband and I also got married! We had expected to have trouble conceiving, as doctors predicted, but nope! The plan was to try for six months and then start IVF right after the wedding, but that turned out to be unnecessary.

I started mini contractions on February 4th, every 20 minutes or so. Nothing major. By midday on the 5th we were in the hospital. 5 minutes apart. They needed to stop these contractions so daughter could stay in until 37 weeks or the 7th. So contractions were on and off until the 6th. Then they took me off the medications and let me go home.

The next day, Thursday the 7th, around 9 am, I was back with 5 minute apart contractions. They had me on the monitors for a while, but I wasn’t productive, so they induced me. I started pushing around 5 pm, and for about five hours. No luck. She was stuck. My pelvis, it seems, is quite small. So c-section it is. But I had to wait, because some lady with twins was in there before me. I was unimpressed and started screaming. And puking. The nurses told me to be quiet or I’d scare the other ladies. I said they should be scared! 😂 I calmed down after a bit and we moved to the operating theatre.

They tried to suck my little girl out with a vacuum, no luck. Forceps, no luck. So it was cutting time. I couldn’t feel a thing. My husband, super tall, is by my side, and he can see over the theatre drape. He suddenly turns white. I feel yanking. I ask what’s going on. He says he’ll tell me later. Apparently the doctor had my daughter by the ankles, was standing on the operating table, straddling my body, and yanking her out. Maybe this is why her legs are so long.

I spent a few days in hospital learning to breastfeed. I remember leaving her with my husband for the first time and crying as I went to the hospital lobby to get a magazine. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, but I didn’t trust anyone with my precious bundle. I laughed when he said he felt the same about me!

So, here she is, fifteen. I can’t help but think of all the stuff I got into at fifteen and think she’s far more straightened up than I was. Sensible, smart, caring. I am so proud to be her mother. She is my glory! One of my set of pride and joy. Love this kid.