Irreplaceable Me

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How many days has it been? A million? Ugh.

I’m so bored. All I can do is sleep and sometimes take medicine. I’m way off my routine, I’m not sure what I’ve taken on time this week. Actually,  I’ve mostly missed my 3:00 pills and my mmj. That should be it. My 6:00 a couple of times. But my husband has been getting home earlier and checks now.

I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow! Husband and I are making our list tonight of what we have been seeing. I’m not going to let him bully me into hoping things will get better. This has been consistent pain now for months. I don’t know that I necessarily need more pain medication, but I likely need more investigation into what is going on. This ‘it’s just eds/endo/fibro’ stuff isn’t going to work anymore. When I’m losing use of my hands, when I can’t eat for several days (usually when I have the flu I can take something in without the digestive problems I’ve had. I woke up this morning to find myself on the toilet, so, yeah, ew.).  I want to get this neck thing straightened out -literally! My knees, these damn headaches, the list goes on.

The positive side of things is that I’m reminded how valuable I am to my family. My son turns 13 on Sunday, and my husband has been admirably juggling everything, however the gifts had not been bought. That’s usually my domain. When I have a flare-up, I can still often get things done. When I’m completely out of commission and can do nothing but sleep? Then we have a problem. Then we start to see how not having Mommy around affects us.

I woke up yesterday evening around 7:00 to find my son hovering at the foot of my bed. He hasn’t been diagnosed, but he is definitely on the autism spectrum, and he was doing a little dance of impatience with hand flapping as he waited for me to wake up. As soon as I opened my eyes he dove into my bed and exclaimed he was waiting for me to wake up because he wanted a snuggle. He settled right in beside me, and we watched TV.  It was lovely.

It’s good to be needed.

These are the sleep shorts I bought at Old Navy. I bought 2 pair 20170606_201735of shorts, I think I have 3 complete pajama sets, as they have camisole to go with them, a romper, a strappy top, and a pair of socks all with the zebra pattern on them.  I will take a photo one day when I’m wearing them, once they are all washed up! It’s nice to buy from the regular size part of the store. There are so many choices!  I’m almost redoing my wardrobe. I have so many clothes to get rid of. I don’t ever want to get big again. But we can’t always control that stuff, can we? My biggest things are not eating when I’d rather be sleeping, because sometimes I just eat to keep myself awake, and keeping an eye on my sugar intake. When I eat too much sugar, my weight skyrockets. When I stop, my weight drops at 2 lbs per week. Magic.

OK.  I’m tuckered out. I have lots to do for tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day, Zebra friends! 😘

Current Mood: Exasperated

Over the weekend, I managed to get a lot of rest in and my abdominal pain is resolving. This makes me question the cyst

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Current Mood in Action

theory, although, I did have a major bout of nausea last night, which is what I was looking for. It just sseems very short. These used to last a week or so, and this was a good two to three days shorter. Now, I haven’t had one in a few years. I am getting older, that may be a factor. My Mom was 11 years older before menopause really started, she said, so I guess it’s time for peri-menopause at the least. I should likely have my hormones checked. I’m interested in what my thyroid is doing. I’m pretty sure my GP has his eye on it. This is the major problem with having illnesses. Routine, important maintenance gets pushed to the side, often with the assumption ‘someone else’ is looking after it. I have so many things I’m chasing right now it isn’t funny!

 

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Not all, of course! Ha!

Anyway, my ovary whatever seems to have resolved itself, so I’m not being attacked from the inside, but my abdominal muscles, the whole of my abdomen feels like it was removed. Remember that doll, Skipper, that was pregnant? You could take her abdomen off? That part is burning fiercely.

It feels like someone has taken a blowtorch and actually removed that part of my stomach. I have no idea why. The surgeries I’ve had in the area are gallbladder and appendix, are they enough to cause that pain? Oh and two c-sections.

Once again, I’m back to eight days from my shots. Botox for migraines and EDS. So my back is aching. My low level

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Chris O’Dowd looks so much like my husband. Back in the day. He’s neater now. 😄

headache is ramping up, and my neck is really sore. I’m back to the nausea and headache and dizziness problems I had before. When I was in so much pain and couldn’t move, I wasn’t thinking about how ill I felt. Now that I’m on less medication and am upright and have peeled away a layer of pain I can feel it. The problem is, it’s not bad enough to be debilitating,  but it sure is bad enough to make me grouchy. I’m trying to be kind, but I don’t like myself on days like this. 😦 I’m watching some comedy and staying isolated to try to help.

Almost there!

It’s supposed to rain off and on this week, and that never helps. I’m going to play with some Maybelline makeup  #igotitfree through @chickadvisor. Pretty awesome. Then, a nap!

I am not going to have the strength to talk to people I think. I won’t be able to censor myself. I snapped at my son yesterday for no reason. It’s not fair. I’m too worn out. I’m trying to catch up on blogs, but it’s all I can do to press like sometimes. I don’t get there, some days.

No, wait. I did have a reason to snap at my son. But it still wasnt fair. I asked him not to come into my area while I was trying to fix a problem and he did anyway because he is autistic, and I am in pain but trying anyway. I made a mistake and apologized. He made a mistake and apologized. Better.

Okay. Need to conserve spoons.

Stay strong, Zebra pals! 😘

Goals

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I had lofty intentions for this blog, but it seems to have devolved lately into a daily diary of my exploits. I could have said pain – but that’s just melodramatic. 😄 it’s kind of true, though.  I really do document my day to day pain at this point. I am in Survival mode, essentially.

…I started writing several hours ago. I’ve been distracted, had a nap, fielded a call from my daughter’s art teacher, (she suffers from anxiety, and has had spotty attendance this past month. He was concerned, understands, thinks she’s awesome. She endeavoured to turn in an assignment today, even though she was struggling).

As I was saying, I feel like I’m still in survival mode. I’ve had to shed most of my activities not actively related to living. This morning I felt as if I had taken a step out of the ooze. It’s great when I can add things back, like playing with makeup. Geez. Putting on makeup is something most people take for granted. For me, playing can take two or three hours for a simple face. A face most people would put on for date night. It takes me so long because I rest between steps, lie down, have to stretch.

I had to tell my mom I needed some space for a bit. I feel so responsible to her, but if I don’t get to her for a bit (Dad too, of course) I feel guilty, but I need to strip my life for a bit again. Just the basics. Making sure I get enough sleep, eating properly, taking my medicine and vitamins, bathing – which can be tough. I need to be for my family right now.

It looks like my husband needs to go for more consultation on his eye. He went to the doctor on Saturday, and the pressure was up in his left eye. The doctor wants him to see another specialist. Soon. I’m concerned. He was prescribed more drops, fully researched, for the one eye. Within two days his eye was red and angry again.

It’s kind of stressful over here. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if I am feeling exhausted and out of sorts. I’m trying to be responsive to and supportive of my friends, but it’s rather like I’m a flailing drunk trying to make sense of it all. My head pain has increased again, which isn’t too surprising, since I haven’t been looking after myself.

Going forward, I pledge to be gentler to myself. I will practice good self-care and remember I cannot be my best self if I am out of sorts.

My family needs me.

Besides, what ever turns out the way we expect it to, anyway?

Thanks for being here, Zebra friends! 😘

Family Time

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Yesterday was Mother’s day, and I woke up to my alarm going off at 9:00. I usually sleep until 10 on Sundays, but have been enjoying getting up slightly earlier lately. Plus, my makeup look didn’t work out on Saturday, I wanted to try to squeeze in two looks as well.

I texted the kids, and was greeted with my usual Sunday fare of chocolate chip pancakes and coffee. My son carried those, and my daughter held a huge bag from Pandora! First to come from the bag was a gorgeous fuschia matte lipstick from Urban Decay called Menace that my son picked out. Apparently, he sat in the store with my photo and the lipstick samples and tried to match them. He will be 13 next month. He’s quite diligent. He was deciding among Menace, Alpha and EZ. He told me, even though I’m an Alpha, the colour wasn’t quite right. And he doesn’t think I’m EZ. Menace didn’t fit, but the colour is gorgeous!

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The cigarette holder in the middle is actually the Finger Brush. 

My daughter, 15, gave me a lovely glass box engraved with ‘Always my Mother, forever my friend’. So sweet. My husband gave me a bangle from Pandora, and of course we have the Finger Brush from Saturday. It’s called a finger brush because it’s supposed to mimic the action of your finger, in brush form.

Yesterday worked out well. I pottered and put on makeup, ND had very little pain and pressure. I was able to do two looks, no problem. Well, small problem. I was so tired by the end. I had to fight through.

Today I was battered, but I’ve managed. I played makeup today, I worked on an 80s look today that was fun. I was so tired and sore by the end. I needed a bath, too. I was going to bail, but I snuck up on myself. I almost dozed off inthe tub.  I was washing fast, before I fell asleep.

I’m fighting now to stay awake. I might get an hour before dinner. My back is killing me.  Gonna do it!

Hope your Mother’s day was great, Zebras! 😘

 

Army Day…March Fourth

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Ha ha! I told you I like wordplay. Today is going to be a quick post because I am feeling better than usual, and I want to play with my new makeup.

Something disturbing happened last night. My daughter had stayed home yesterday due to feeling unwell. She has been battling a flu for the past ten days or so, quite severe nausea. In fact, I wonder if some of the nausea I had been exacerbated by this bug. Anyway, she had approached me later that evening, after vomiting and confessed that she actually had severe menstrual pain and it was so severe it made her physically ill. She is very private, so she must have been suffering to share this with me. I am upset because I have a long history with Endometriosis, including five laparascopies, preparing for number six when I became pregnant the first time. There are a couple of arguments for this being a one-off on her side. She usually has only mild cramping, and her menses was delayed a week, likely due to the weight loss associated with the flu. She is very slight and had lost some weight, the stress could have delayed her, resulting in more cramps.

My own history includes Co workers finding me passed out under desks, curled up in break rooms and calling in from the ER. I had my appendix removed, as they were sure it was going to burst, as they couldn’t see it in the ultra sound. But no, my period started the next morning. That was the time I had the nurse who left me for two hours having to pee because I couldn’t get the bed rail down, and needed help walking then sneered at me “you’d better never need a c-section”. I shot back “I had a c-section last year and was up and around within hours, don’t give me that bullshit. It was at another hospital though, so…” yeah, I’ve never admitted that whole sentence before. I’m a bitch.

So, we wait for next month, hope she’s back to her normal and this was a one-off, and she doesn’t mind mummy blogging about her cramps. Heh. If not, we likely try the Naprosyn route, although her periods are not totally regular to the day, I am worried about her stomach. Another route is birth control pills.  She takes daily pills as it is, I don’t see why we shouldn’t add one. I started at the same age. And it’s  she has no interest in a relationship on any level, so it’s not like we’re saying go have sex. It’s ultimately up to her.

OK. Playtime!

Have a great day however you’re feeling, Zebra pals! 😘