Sucks to be Me

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Actually, I’m not a loser, but my body sure is.

My head and neck pain is back with a vengeance. The Botox injections I had for my migraines and body pain definitely did alleviate some of the pain I was feeling. My shots are now three weeks past due. I have not heard from the pain clinic, but my husband is in regular contact.

In addition, my back is spasming like it’s made for it. Topping things off, I’m having menstrual-type cramps like you wouldn’t believe. I’m essentially curled up in a ball most of the day.

Just like the week before my shots, I’m exhausted and sleep a lot. It’s quite defeating. I keep reminding myself the neurologist appointment is on October 2. Just over two weeks away. At least I will have a plan. I hope.

I’ve had to put my Beauty Blog on hiatus until October 5th.  It was such a tough decision to make, but I can’t provide quality at this time. I attempt to apply a face of cosmetics and I’m exhausted part way through. Ten minutes in. Add the photography, and content. I’m so exhausted. I’m so disappointed, as I really love that blog. I’m looking forward to my energy coming back.

My kids are struggling as well. I have another blog, because I have so much information for living with people with autism. Some anecdotes, some strategies, and some catastrophic challenges. Unfortunately, it’s been too much to get that started.

My daughter has either had the flu since the beginning of school, caught the flu twice, or is suffering anxiety. There has been a nasty flu going around, and I was at the ER, a great place for germs. My son has been refusing to attend classes, and been spending time in the office.

My husband, Angel that he is, has been holding everything together. He fell asleep last night with his tablet on his lap and dental floss in his mouth. Poor guy. He tries to stay up and entertain me, but 10:00 hit him hard. I managed to slip the floss out of his mouth and put his tablet away without waking him.

I’ve been sleeping most afternoons from 1 to 6 or 7 and then am up with my husband until midnight. He usually sleeps earlier. I wake up at 6 during the week and later on weekends. I’m sleeping a lot. It may be to escape the pain. I’m focusing on being right on time with my medication so I don’t have the pain build up. It really helps.

I’ve also been nesting. Any energy I have goes into organizing or reorganizing drawers in my bedroom, which is my comfortable space. I’ve bought dimmer light switches, mood lighting, decorative boxes to contain some of the clutter, a fuzzy zebra blanket, some cute file folders, and cute pencil boxes. I’m getting organized with style! Everything is within arms reach. I feel so cozy.

Even though my body is being a real jerk right now, life isn’t so bad. I’m quite happy and content, I just wish I had more energy to enjoy things more.

Hope you’re having a good day!

💜

Inconvenient Sleep Habits

In the first place, my body is being a big jerk. It won’t let giphy15me sleep at any time there is another person in this house asleep.  On top of that, I’ve caught my daughter’s cold. Which isn’t a horrible one, it’s just that I’m a terrible wimp when it comes to having a sore throat. I find that pretty funny, actually.  I am also suffering with yeast infections for some reason. I am having incredibly awful pelvic and back pain. If it’s not gone by morning, I’m actually going in somewhere. It’s incredible. I don’t know what is causing this. I was having terrible problems for almost eight months about two years ago. I had fungal infections all along the inside of my thighs and my under my breasts. My pharmacist recommended cranberry tablets. It was funny how I discovered this. My husband is in charge of all my medicine. He had asked the pharmacist about this problem and received this answer. I had been taking them for a while before I noticed. When I asked about them, I received an explanation, which I denounced as hogwash. Husband asked if the thrush had cleared up, to which I had to admit, yes it had. Unfortunately, I have been not so great at taking my pills, as I sleep at odd hours, missing some. I need to pay attention, get back on track.

Although, that is difficult when you’re curled in a ball whimpering.

I’ve found that around midnight, I usually start crying. It doesn’t last long, usually less than 30 seconds. I’ve never gone longer than 3 minutes. But I have had a few minutes to myself to be scared and break down before I put my face back on. The everything will be ok, face. Or maybe I sob out of self pity. I have some of those, too, I’m certain.

I can’t deny I’m stressed. My mother needs support and I can’t offer it to her. I’m likely the only one, besides her sister, she has. My husband is too overworked to give me the support I need. I ask for things, 10 minutes of his time, and it’s to the point where this is becoming problematic to schedule. Tonight, I wanted help with two rather unimportant things, I waited until bedtime at 9:00, but almost didn’t accomplish them because of all the distractions etc. He keeps telling me he answered me when he didn’t. It’s so frustrating. I know it’s not my memory, either. Sigh. 11:00. We need a better strategy.

Trouble with midnight painsomnia is I can’t vape or watch TV 🤣. Our sofa is not a place to banish people to. I can’t make it downstairs on my own, either.

I’ve been cleaning out drawers. Nesting. It’s my favourite thing to do. It’s been hard work, but I always feel better afterward.

Can I ask a question of my friends who are on the Autism Spectrum? How offensive is the term Aspie? Or Aspy? Here’s why: I have so much to talk about with my family, with three of them being on the spectrum. Daughter, diagnosed Aspergers, husband not diagnosed, but clearly on the spectrum, and my son will be diagnosed when he returns to school. I have so much to share about parenting and what living with these folks is like, I was thinking of…ugh, a third blog. Ugh. I know. But the name Three Aspies and a Zebra sounded good to me, I just didn’t want to be offensive. Open to any good name suggestions! Speaking to the blog, for example, my kids have no idea when people are joking. My daughter went to the CNE, I asked her to buy me some donuts, which are off my FODMAP plan. She’s 15, btw. She started crying because she didn’t know if I was kidding, and if she should really do it because they might hurt me, and she didn’t want to be responsible for me getting sick. She’s so sweet! 💜

My husband is snoring sweetly beside me. I want to whack him with a pillow. Nah, I know that if the kids stir or if I call out, he will be up. His beloved aquarium was acting up earlier, so he’s annoyed. He gives time to the kids, and I can’t begrudge my own kids and his source of income, as he was finishing a course for work, too.

I just can’t stop needing what I need or feeling what I feel. Here come the tears. Must be midnight. Exactly.

Ah, going to go find some cat memes. I always get melancholy when I’m sick. Boo.

💜

 

Painsomnia, Regrets.

I shared an article with my husband about one of the Teen Mom’s from MTV getting ‘butt and vaginoplasty’ procedures on-camera, grinning away. And he’s been making hilarious jokes all night. No body shaming, mostly about him going along to get his butt tightened when he’s not being relaxed about things.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/teen-mom-farrah-abraham-blasted-posting-private-photos-instagram-do-you-have-no-shame-1633533

This was the story, if you want to read it. I hope they aren’t tightening her uterus. Just, no.

 

I’m feeling sort of low. I’m reminded of so many of the accomplishments of my friends, and I had to cut so many things short. I was reminded the other day of a friend I’d had for 15 years, and was insanely jealous. I had no clue about this. That is the part I feel terrible about. I suppose I don’t spend time with people I don’t like, and if I do, I don’t blame them. But she envied, I’ve been told, my marriage, my babies, and my job with a bank. Oh, and house with another person’s income it was easier. I envied her ability to work and do something besides sleep. Her relationship with her parents, her baking skills, her bilingualism. I didn’t get to say those things because I felt it was weird to be nice sometimes. She would accuse me of buttering her up to ask her a favour.

I regret that I couldn’t finish university. I don’t know how I could have made this work. My dad was pretty mentally ill when I turned 18, and he wanted me out of the house. He wanted me out forever so he could have my mom to himself, but that’s his thing. So when I turned 18, I was out. I had no where to go. I ended up staying with my boyfriend, who was 10 years older. He was living in a different province. He was then transferred to a third province. I tried to enroll in school and apply for a loan, and was rejected. Apparently, my parents made too much money, and should be funding my education. So, I’m screwed, unless I’m married or 25. Whelp, there hadn’t been too much interest so far, my parents had convinced me I’d be lucky to get married at all. And this guy was willing, we got married in Vegas in November of 1989. Same Day as Bruce and Demi.

There are some people out there who absolutely loathe me for this. One even called me out in the middle of my 25 year high school reunion. Where were they, though, when I had no other place to stay? When I could have used maybe a decent boyfriend? Nah, I was too ugly. Nobody has actually come forward and told me why they are upset or hurt. I’m actually completely bewildered. I have not come up with any sort of explanation for this. I wasn’t even that close to these people. People are always looking for an excuse to hate you. It’s like a rubics cube.

Yes, my first marriage was brutal is a lot of ways, but I did learn a lot, also. Whatever the case, it led me to my current husband. The place I am meant to be. Sometimes you need to go through hell to get to heaven.

I hear other rumors, though. I hear whispers about my “perfect family” and “privilege” that got me a house in downtown Toronto.

Hey, there. I hear your whispers. I see your glances.

I have some privilege. But don’t you dare forget I worked three jobs for seven years, two of those years while going to school, when I did dip down to two. I have been working since the age of 12, securing them and transporting myself.

I have endured five laparoscopic surgeries while working, most of them taking less than three days off for recovery, instead using weekends to recover. All while in increasing pain, exhaustion, being told I was fat, work out more, eat less, and get over it.

Divorced the first guy, married the second, kids were supposed to fix the endometriosis. Had 2. Got sicker. Finally had to concede working.  Sister in law asks while pregnant with #2 “Why would you have another baby if you can’t look after the one you have?” Because we put my daughter in daycare after I tried to go back to work and failed. Nice. My husband is an incompetent child rearer? Thanks. On LTD.

We desperately wanted a third child, but decided we could not afford financially nor emotionally to support one.

My children, both with Autism, act well in public, but are becoming troublesome in private. School refusal has been a problem with the boy, and I don’t know how next year will be.

So if anyone wants to trade lives with me remember, I envy those who:

  • Can get up and go for a walk
  • Can eat some food, whatever they like without stomach cramps
  • Can get up and go somewhere
  • Can stay awake for more than 3 hours
  • anytime but midnight
  • Don’t hurt all the time
  • Can have some fun
  • Can go dancing
  • let’s go shopping!

 

I’m really okay, my husband is the best. He is so sweet to me. I wouldn’t travel this journey without him.

I suppose someone else (me) being content is really tough for people to figure out. True no drama.

 

Right now I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep.

  • Gastroparesis means my bowels are full and rumbly. They’ll be like this and cramps for a while
  • My neck is screaming in pain
  • I have something across the back of my head that hurts. Long ago head injury?
  • I may have a cyst on my ovary, occasional cramping
  • My back hurts
  • jaw pain from head troubles

Actually, not a bad evening. Going to try to sleep.

 

Slightly Brighter Day Dawns

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You know how it is when you make a big deal about something, it always resolves itself immediately.  I woke up this morning feeling not quite so desperate. It’s an awfully good way to feel. The pain is still very much there, and my back is screaming at me even as I’m lying here, but I don’t feel quite as nauseated, and I haven’t even vaped yet this morning as the kids have just got off to school (I like to wait until they are out of the house if they are going). I feel that may take care of things, but I do have my breakthrough if not.

After I get my meds in, I expect to be somewhat comfortable as long as I don’t move too much. Stay loose, just maybe I can slip in the tub later if I’m good? Maybe?

I will be lying very still and calmly today. Trying to get some good rest in. I don’t want to exacerbate things again. Not to that level.

If the pain doesn’t subside enough we are aiming for an emergency room visit if we have to on Monday. I’m Canadian, so we had our holiday last week. The kids would be in school, less chance of upset. Husband wants to be with me, he’s expressed this, there is a major crisis at work, so this would be optimal. I have time to see if it resolves, and time to rest. Naturally, if it becomes too unbearable, we go, but even though my kids are aged appropriately, I am not certain leaving them alone is possible, and bringing them is also problematic. So my husband would have to drop me off, and that isn’t ideal, either. I’ve had some poor treatment in hospital, including the doctor who told me that I was “just constipated”. I grabbed his notes and threw them down the hall I was so insulted. I hope I’ve matured beyond this.

Time for rest. And vape! 😎

I’m expecting comfort. Not miracles!

O-Vary Nice to See You!

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Today has already started out scarily awful. This was a long weekend in Canada. Our washing machine broke. It did only cost $250 to fix. I didn’t get my sheets changed. Our kids do theirs each week. I couldn’t move.

My two kids, who both have Autism, have been struggling with anxiety this past month. My daughter (15) has been sick off and on and struggled to make it to school other days, just the past two months. My husband has been walking her to school last week.

My son, 13 in 2 weeks, has struggled since February, maybe longer, so my husband walked him to school for two weeks, then met him at school for two weeks, and today was the day he was going to let our boy fly free!

Except the girl was struggling. So he was going to hang around the neighborhood, visiting various Starbucks until our children were ensconced in school.

Only the boy woke up still with that cold he had all long weekend. He’s missed so much school we have to send him unless he is actively vomiting or has a fever, the Principal will dismiss him.

My husband came to talk to me about the chaos when pain exploded in the right side of my abdomen. I began screaming. 30 seconds or a minute passed. The pain abated. The screaming turned into a moan. Husband continued his sentence as he crossed the room and grabbed my pill case. He handed my my breakthrough meds and said “ovarian cyst, take one every hour until you’re comfortable. Stop at 3. Vape when you need to. Rest.” He then popped the pill in my mouth as if he were offering me communion and held my water bottle to my lips. I lay back and waited for some pain relief.

Because the kids were not to know their dad was lurking in the neighborhood, he left at his usual time of 7:00. The kids continued on and I tried to keep comfortable. Around 7:30 I started to vape, as the kids were ready to go, they just needed to leave.

The boy finally left around 8:05, a bit late, but made his way to school.

The girl was supposed to leave at 8:20, but we hadn’t heard anything by 8:30, there’d been a problem. My daughter comes running up the stairs with the doorknob in her hand! The thing broke! We are actually in the process of replacing all our doors, too! She is in a panic because she can’t fix it, and she can’t just leave it, because she’s afraid I will get hurt. So I have to shine the dad-signal.

Dad comes running, of course. Daughter wasn’t happy, but he fixed the door. He walked her to school.

Does it end there? No…

My son is now home. They sent him home because of that cold, but he did get homework. My daughter is not able to stay at school, but she made it, so she’ll be back soon. I’m pretty sure she will be upset for not reaching her goals, so I am bracing for a day. But she could be fine.

I am two weeks away from my Botox treatment shots. The old ones are wearing off. I have excruciating back pain, my neck hurts, my head hurts, all my muscles hurt, I have abdominal menstrual-like cramps. I want a bath but I can’t move.

Two days after that I see my doctor again but we can talk about my head!

Have a fun day, fellow Zebras! 😘 I’m going to be relaxing.

 

Finding Joy

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My pain is feeling better. My breakthrough pain is subsiding. I feel it’s under control, but still a hair-trigger trap. I am taking my breakthrough meds. It sounds like a children’s book.  “She takes her breakthrough meds for her breakthrough pain, in her breakthrough house…😀”

My son came home from his school trip last night. He wouldn’t even speak to me. He wouldn’t come near me. He was exhausted.  He hadn’t slept the whole trip. This morning he revealed he had a panic attack on the bus coming home.  After 3 days of poor sleep it isn’t surprising. I hope they weren’t too cruel, however grade 7 boys… he won’t say.

wp-1488055003514.jpgI had a good chat with my sister. I love it when she’s able to chat. Shes teaching English in Beijing.  I was whining about my flare-up and she, in the spirit of those who are oh, so well-meaning but not helpful, suggested I try hot water, trying to be funny. She suggested I drink it until I was dead. It struck me so funny. She always cheers me up. She sent me the cutest video of her dancing with one of her students! It was the cutest!

 

Let me share other places I find joy!

Beauty and self-care:

Don’t automatically knock this. There is a lot to be said for putting some effort into your routine if you’re feeling up to it one day. I don’t necessarily mean every day, if it’s not your thing. But if you enjoy it, put on makeup,  pull your hair back if you can’t do both in one day. Take some photos. Remind yourself you can look average. Do a mask. If your products are too precious, see if you have the spoons one day to make it into a Sephora or another store for a makeover, or if a friend will come over and help. Guys, too, can benefit from a mask, brow trim, and foot mask.

Box subscriptions:

There is a cost associated with this, but if you can ask for one for a gift, you may be on to something. Things like Topbox in Canada can be had for $12 per month, so shop around for your favourite things and see if there is something you can take advantage of. 

There are more than just Beauty boxes out there. There is everything from beer to razor clubs to monthly menstrual clubs. My advice is to find a regional subscription box blogger and go from there. Two I like are @pinkaboutboxes on Instagram and @girlmeetsbox also on Instagram.

Product Review Clubs:

I am a member of Influenster.ca and Chickadviser.ca. They provide samples of products to be reviewed. Influenster is very hit and miss, Chickadviser.ca you can sign up for your products, although they sometimes send you things you don’t sign up for. It’s always stuff you use anyway, like shampoo, so its not like I have to go out and try to use a chainsaw! 😃 Product Review clubs only send out products a few times per year, so it’s not a large commitment. Influenster sometimes has you post to Instagram, it’s a little more involved, but lots of lead time.

Not only does this give you a bit of a hobby if you want one, but it gets stuff for free, too. A bit of digging can show the amazing plethora of items available. Many beauty products, but that isn’t all – Chickadviser.ca has plenty of calls for other items I’m not qualified for because of my eating plan. See what is available in your area.

Blogging:

By now you’ve figured out that I blog here. 😄  I also blog http://www.squidgesbeautyhaul.wordpress.com about my Beauty purchases and collections. Is there something you collect? Are obsessed with? Maybe you should blog about it.

Instagram

I’m also on Instagram @squidgeaboo with my Beauty collection . It’s fun. I do it from bed. I take pictures of my old stuff and my new acquisitions. What could you show off in photographs? Yes, a daily photo of your cat would be a hit. It’s the internet!

Guilty Pleasures

I will share this with you as long as you promise to stay friends with me. I will reveal my most disgusting guilty pleasure. Okay? Ready? I read Teen Mom gossip. I don’t watch the show, but I can’t not know what that Farrah Abraham gets up to! I’m so ashamed!

I suggest you develop some guilty pleasures of your own. I was going to check and see when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was on because Lisa Rinna is such a train wreck (I don’t know her Irl personality, but I hear it’s less bizarre) and they are starting a Toronto one, but I think it may be detrimental, all that yelling and backbiting. I’ll think on this one.

Good TV

Good positive uplifting TV shows

  • Who Line is it Anyway?zd2spvi4vbleo
  • Bob’s Burgers
  • Mrs. Browns Boys
  • The Simpsons
  • Friends reruns
  • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The IT Crowd
  • Last Week Tonight
  • Vicar of Dibley
  • Parks and Recreation

 

Internet Surfing:

When I find I am just in the mood to surf the Web and not really to interface, there are a couple of things I do.

  • Shop. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
  • Play on Kickstarter, this is new to me. I had not realized the fun one can have, and the creative items being made here. Do not miss this.
  • One of a Kind Craft Show: This is a quarterly show in Ontario, filled with artists. They have a website, I can peruse them for hours.
  • eBay poking around: I will often play on eBay for hours, looking for old toys I once had, evaluating some of my treasures, looking for weird stuff.
  • Cracked.com: goodness. If you go here, have someone check on you. You will get lost. Fascinating articles, one leads to another.

 

There are some of the ways I ensure I have joy in my life? What do you do to make sure there is joy in your life?

Stay joyful, my zebra friends! 😘

 

 

 

 

 

Friends!

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Yay! I have friends! I’m even wearing people clothes!

This past week has been a nightmare. That flu bug wiped me right out, and I am still feeling weak. Yet I am recovering faster than I have from other viruses, so I will take this! My daughter is still battling, she had to stay home from school, her headache was too intense.

My son is out for his first overnight trip! He’s out with the school. He has been bouncing off the walls all weekend. This will be so great for instilling his confidence. He’s a great kid. I’m just having trouble seeing my babies grow up. I had some insomnia over the weekend. I was the same way when his sister went.

If there is any confusion between the My/Our pronouns with the kids, there are just two kids, sometimes I remember to share credit, and sometimes I don’t. 😁

My good friend called me this morning, and we had a great chat, until I had to go, I suddenly started to feel awful again. But I had a nap, and if my surrogate little sister wasn’t coming to visit, I would probably still be napping!

My surrogate little sister is a good friend of my actual sister, and used to live with my family when she was a teen. I’m 14 years older than my sister, so I was long gone, but she’s an important part of the family. I haven’t seen her in at least ten years. She’s going to be surprised when she gets let in by my 5’9″ daughter who was knee-high last visit. 😅

I had to cancel my doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 1:00. I’m so annoyed. My husband can’t take me there, because he has to ‘work’ what kind of stupid excuse…( totally kidding ) No, he has to work, and the boss is out or something, and I can’t get there on my own because I’m so sore and weak right now. I have this awful pain in my abdomen that hurts when I sit up straight for more than a couple of minutes. Sometimes it twinges right away. I can’t seem to determine if it’s gynecological or gastrointestinal. We chased the gynecological theory for years, but my gastroenterologist was so dismissive and, frankly, rude, I’m not excited to try again. I mean, on FODMAP my inflammation issue is down, but the two spots of searing pain in my gut and my right lower abdomen are still present. The nausea has not gone away.

My friend has come and gone. We had such fun, and such a good chat. She lives an hour away, and is so kind to come visit me! She’s seeing her actual sister today, but had an extra couple of hours. I think we killed that and then some! Such good fun! I showed her part of my makeup collection. Silly bunny came to visit all made up! Who does that? I’ve actually resorted to storing my makeup in tubs. It’s just easier.

I love visiting, but I don’t love how tired it makes me, or how exhausted I get so quickly. I’m too young for this! I demand a recount!

We’ve made plans for next month. Visiting Bite Lip Lab, North America’s biggest Sephora is in Toronto, and lots more chatting. I have to rest up! Two venues? That is a tall order. I am excited to try!

It’s really nice being dressed. I feel so accomplished.

I haven’t been vaping the past few days, just using the marijuana oil at night. I’ve been worried about the vaping affecting my eye swelling flu thing, and been too nauseated to try, anyway. I’m hoping the pain in my back is ramping up only because of this, and not for some other fun reason. It is the most likely, however, hoof beats and all…

Hope my zebra pals had a peaceful day! 😘