Painsomnia, Regrets.

I shared an article with my husband about one of the Teen Mom’s from MTV getting ‘butt and vaginoplasty’ procedures on-camera, grinning away. And he’s been making hilarious jokes all night. No body shaming, mostly about him going along to get his butt tightened when he’s not being relaxed about things.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/teen-mom-farrah-abraham-blasted-posting-private-photos-instagram-do-you-have-no-shame-1633533

This was the story, if you want to read it. I hope they aren’t tightening her uterus. Just, no.

 

I’m feeling sort of low. I’m reminded of so many of the accomplishments of my friends, and I had to cut so many things short. I was reminded the other day of a friend I’d had for 15 years, and was insanely jealous. I had no clue about this. That is the part I feel terrible about. I suppose I don’t spend time with people I don’t like, and if I do, I don’t blame them. But she envied, I’ve been told, my marriage, my babies, and my job with a bank. Oh, and house with another person’s income it was easier. I envied her ability to work and do something besides sleep. Her relationship with her parents, her baking skills, her bilingualism. I didn’t get to say those things because I felt it was weird to be nice sometimes. She would accuse me of buttering her up to ask her a favour.

I regret that I couldn’t finish university. I don’t know how I could have made this work. My dad was pretty mentally ill when I turned 18, and he wanted me out of the house. He wanted me out forever so he could have my mom to himself, but that’s his thing. So when I turned 18, I was out. I had no where to go. I ended up staying with my boyfriend, who was 10 years older. He was living in a different province. He was then transferred to a third province. I tried to enroll in school and apply for a loan, and was rejected. Apparently, my parents made too much money, and should be funding my education. So, I’m screwed, unless I’m married or 25. Whelp, there hadn’t been too much interest so far, my parents had convinced me I’d be lucky to get married at all. And this guy was willing, we got married in Vegas in November of 1989. Same Day as Bruce and Demi.

There are some people out there who absolutely loathe me for this. One even called me out in the middle of my 25 year high school reunion. Where were they, though, when I had no other place to stay? When I could have used maybe a decent boyfriend? Nah, I was too ugly. Nobody has actually come forward and told me why they are upset or hurt. I’m actually completely bewildered. I have not come up with any sort of explanation for this. I wasn’t even that close to these people. People are always looking for an excuse to hate you. It’s like a rubics cube.

Yes, my first marriage was brutal is a lot of ways, but I did learn a lot, also. Whatever the case, it led me to my current husband. The place I am meant to be. Sometimes you need to go through hell to get to heaven.

I hear other rumors, though. I hear whispers about my “perfect family” and “privilege” that got me a house in downtown Toronto.

Hey, there. I hear your whispers. I see your glances.

I have some privilege. But don’t you dare forget I worked three jobs for seven years, two of those years while going to school, when I did dip down to two. I have been working since the age of 12, securing them and transporting myself.

I have endured five laparoscopic surgeries while working, most of them taking less than three days off for recovery, instead using weekends to recover. All while in increasing pain, exhaustion, being told I was fat, work out more, eat less, and get over it.

Divorced the first guy, married the second, kids were supposed to fix the endometriosis. Had 2. Got sicker. Finally had to concede working.  Sister in law asks while pregnant with #2 “Why would you have another baby if you can’t look after the one you have?” Because we put my daughter in daycare after I tried to go back to work and failed. Nice. My husband is an incompetent child rearer? Thanks. On LTD.

We desperately wanted a third child, but decided we could not afford financially nor emotionally to support one.

My children, both with Autism, act well in public, but are becoming troublesome in private. School refusal has been a problem with the boy, and I don’t know how next year will be.

So if anyone wants to trade lives with me remember, I envy those who:

  • Can get up and go for a walk
  • Can eat some food, whatever they like without stomach cramps
  • Can get up and go somewhere
  • Can stay awake for more than 3 hours
  • anytime but midnight
  • Don’t hurt all the time
  • Can have some fun
  • Can go dancing
  • let’s go shopping!

 

I’m really okay, my husband is the best. He is so sweet to me. I wouldn’t travel this journey without him.

I suppose someone else (me) being content is really tough for people to figure out. True no drama.

 

Right now I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep.

  • Gastroparesis means my bowels are full and rumbly. They’ll be like this and cramps for a while
  • My neck is screaming in pain
  • I have something across the back of my head that hurts. Long ago head injury?
  • I may have a cyst on my ovary, occasional cramping
  • My back hurts
  • jaw pain from head troubles

Actually, not a bad evening. Going to try to sleep.

 

Disability Stories – My Mother-in-Law

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Let me preface this by saying I know my Mother-in-law isn’t truly evil. She just doesn’t think things through before expressing herself some  all the time. My husband had a fairly revelatory discussion with her the other day (Sunday, actually, beginning at 8:30) where we discovered she often thinks she’s being funny! Imagine!

My Mother-in-law is older than I think of most moms, in that she’s in her mid eighties. Her husband is nine years younger, and quite a hunk! Portends well for my husband’s aging process! Not only is my Father-in-law handsome, he is sweet as spun sugar. 💙

Now my Mother-in-law, I do believe, generally has the best of intentions, generally. I first met her after the breakup of our mutual relationships and when now-husband and I had just finished the ‘should we or shouldn’t we?’ dance. I think everyone knew this relationship was significant.  She served dinner on warmed plates, so fancy. She was trying so hard. It was sweet. It was my first trip to the Danforth. On Logan Avenue. Gorgeous neighbourhood. I’ve lived in Toronto twenty-five years, I’ve been on the east side maybe fifty times. Anyway, they were lovely. She ran around before I arrived removing photos of his ex-girlfriend. It had only been three or four months. They had been living together. They bought a house. (Oh, that really makes me sound like a home wrecker, but on reflection I do believe we were set up. It took me years to realize).

Things went well. July of 1999 husband and I moved into the top two floors of a house off of St Clair West near Oakwood. At this point I was dealing with just Endometriosis…except my thyroid started acting up shortly after we moved in together. I went from 190 lbs to 220 lbs in 5 weeks. Then another 20 lbs came on over the summer. By October of 1999 I was 240 lbs. Thyroid medication was the only thing that stopped the gain. We have no idea what happened.

Prior to this, my now-husband had drifted away from his family. Because of me being such a lovey-dovey nosy person who doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone, I declared this ‘strange’ (I was 29 and stupid) and encouraged him to get in touch with his perfectly lovely seeming family! His ex-girlfriend was much like my ex-husband. Very artistic, loves to be centre of attention, not really good with details. Which means both of our houses looked like trash heaps unless he at his or I at mine did something about it.

This is the scenario when I, a former go-getter have my first child, which was actually a fairly traumatic birth, involving a c-section, yanking, tugging, more yanking, THE DOCTOR GETTING ON THE TABLE AND STRADDLING ME, and finally her birth. Still no idea about my EDS diagnosis at the time. After this, I have a year off, nine months of which is pretty good, and the pain returns with a vengeance. (Things are hazy about this time, two young kids, pain, migraines, under medicated). I got my daughter into daycare and tried to go back to work, but I couldn’t.  I had my daughter in daycare in February, and by October I was pregnant. It was the only time I felt okay. He was born in June of 04. I had to put him into daycare as soon as I could. He was too active and my pain returned too quickly. Yet as soon as she heard about my pregnancy, my sister-in-law asked me “why would you get pregnant again when you can’t look after the baby you have?” I was gobsmacked. I muttered something like accidents happen, although he was no accident whatsoever. I assume she was referring to our decision to keep our daughter in daycare while I was not working. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but she really enjoyed daycare, and it was good for her. Plus, what’s wrong with her Dad? Is he a potato all of a sudden?

After both kids were here, both c-sections (where I actually got online V-bac counselling from Michelle Duggar, who was on baby 7?, hand to God!)  I was in a lot of pain. Here is where my Mother-in-law comes to my rescue? No…here is where my Mother-in-law sees I am not working. Probably assumes I have no income.* Sees I am slacking off on my household chores (My husband has this terrible habit when he is talking on the phone of saying “I’m doing the laundry” even if it is I who was doing the laundry.) And starts encouraging my husband to take the children and find a new wife. He is certainly young and good-looking enough, she assures him. (Why would he tell me this? My husband has Aspergers, it probably didn’t even occur to him I would see this as anything but ridiculous. He is incredibly sensitive, and has grown so much, 15 years ago he was a bit green, and we had babies).

To complicate things, husband decided to take our co-sleeping sprogs to sleep in the other room so I could deal with this chronic pain that was cropping up. Only he didn’t say that. He just left. I was sure it was because I was revolting. Or, he had the children he really wanted. He could go off happily now. My DNA is so Oooh speshul.  Haha! I was so crazy partly,

I had been prescribed opioids by my GP for pain. Whee! No not Whee! Like high. Actually, I was joking with a friend who has something… that lung thing… we’d be ‘lucky’ enough to be roofed at a club, I can see it. Picture it: *Hmmm, I’m actually not feeling too bad right now!* Lol! Back to the story: Hydrocodone, I think? Anyway, it was fine, I took my dose just fine, every four hours on the dot. HOWEVER patients with EDS tend to metabolize medication faster than the general population, and I am one of them. I am done with a 4 hour medication at 3 hours. Cold medication, pain medication, everything. So for almost a year, I found out fairly recently, I was spending that hour essentially going through withdrawal, how many times a day? That must have been the worst time of my life. No, I honestly can’t think of a worse time. Should there be an equation for this? My time with my ex was awful but it was extended, this was concentrated awful.

I know my husband stuck up for me to his mother, but she just wasn’t having it. I think it bothered me so much because I sort of agreed with her. Things got so much better when I got to a proper pain clinic and on to long-acting pain medication. Then life started turning around. We had a housekeeper for ages, but he could only do so much. Our kids have Autism, our daughter needs to see everything, she spreads her stuff all over the living room.

Hmmm. This was supposed to be about my Mother-in-law, and I guess it was, but it was a bit more winding than intended. 😄

I will have to follow-up with part 2, with some quips.

 

Have a good day, Zebras 😘

 

 

*My in laws’ 50th was last year, and my husband and I paid for the party, and his brother and wife bought them something amazing or something, they have exceptional taste, anyway, remember now, my husband and I have been married – it’s our 16th anniversary in October. Because my husband and I work for banks, we have TONS of accounts. Also because I’m stuck in bed, my husband has a private account his cheque goes into, then he transfers it to wherever, I don’t follow how it works. But he needed an account and couldn’t wait for me to feel well enough to get to the bank. Well, when he paid or reimbursed his Dad for party expenses, he wrote a cheque on his private account, not thinking of the optics. Well, he’s received two or three thank you cards and gifts, but they don’t mention me or the kids. I don’t know if I should bring my bank statements showing my pension and my disability payments, leave them lying around? Nah, they’d probably match up the account numbers. Ouch.

I’m Gorgeous! (Not)

I had a super painful boutique of painsomnia last night. As I was u6hjv9jgygs4orolling over to my left side to go to sleep, my left knee subluxed and I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t quite settle it into place, and lay aching from 10:30 until I gave up at 2:00 am.

At 2:00 am, I gave up and picked up my tablet, started playing on the internet. I had to dim the light way down, because my eyes really hurt. I was able to chat with my sister in Beijing around 6:00 which is a nice treat. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. She was on vacation in Indonesia recently, and didn’t even load photos up anywhere! But Saturday is her busy day, and she told me this hilarious story about one of her 4-year-old students punching her in the face. I’m pretty sure the hilarity was in the telling.

After we chatted, I fell into a restless sleep, and woke up to my alarm at 10:00 am. Damn me for deciding to be productive on weekends. I hit the snooze for an hour and got up to use the washroom. I got back into bed, and decided to survey the damage of my face.

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My left eye is quite swollen. It looks hilarious. It’s not quite as weepy, but is tender. When my husband brings our son home from therapy, I think we should call Tele health and check. My eyeball isn’t infected, or I should say affected, I’m just sore around the eye, the left one, and I sleep on that side -so it’s drained into that sinus, we figure. I have taken Benadryl allergy complete, and am sitting propped up, but it’s not draining, really.

I don’t want to go to a walk-in clinic, especially while flu-ish because I don’t want to catch something worse. If it’s not urgent and can be managed, I’d rather hang on and go see my GP on Tuesday, because of course it’s a long weekend! I’m sick just about every long weekend, it’s a running joke. Our daughter is sick, too, poor sweetie.

To add to my grotesque appearance is a large pimple where my chin used to be. It’s scabbed over now and looks like a cold sore that got lost.

I need a bath so much. I am so sore, and my hair has been two weeks without a wash, and needs detangling. It would have been so good if I could have gotten to it even a day or so ago! I just do not have the spoons. I will have to tackle it first thing tomorrow. Put the family on notice. I feel so weak.

I had a neat conversation with a friend today. She is a nurse, and gets the flu shot because of being around immune compromised people like me, but she hadn’t noticed a difference herself. I explained how normally, a flu could keep me sick and essentially unconscious, because I’m sleeping to get better for six weeks or so to gain my strength. But when I have a flu shot, and they get them right, I recover much quicker. I’ve been sick nearly a week, but I’m not sleeping the whole time, and I have been keeping food down, etc. She didn’t realize it could be that bad. She’s so lovely. I’m sure she’s a great nurse!

pg2bvxtorfh32I went on a bit of a shopping spree last night. Urban Decay was offering triple points, and I’m determined to make top-tier, for some reason; and then I bought some lipstick. If I can’t put it on, at least I can buy it! I have to stop with these sprees, especially when I’m over budget. Our tax system is such that our payroll tax, I think it is, starts in January, and when your contribution is full, they stop collection, around July. This means my husband loses $1,000 out of his cheque for six months and then we forget the rest of the year. Every January it’s a new round of belt-tightening. What? Save money for the lean times! Pshaw!

There have just been so many escalating costs, too. Especially just around the first of this year. I think I’ve whined about this plenty. I won’t bore you more. It’s tough finding things to do when your concentration isn’t great, and your hands don’t work so well. Online shopping is so much fun, but that gets old too. It’s just stuff. I am enjoying playing with it when I can. I’m enjoying blogging here, too. I’ve met lovely people. Only lovely people.

I’ve offended people talking about my spending, but they may actually do things, outside, like in public. I don’t think they even realize there are months I don’t get to leave the house, so $300 on makeup isn’t horrid. What did you spend $300 on last month able person? Lattes? Taxis? Lunches? It adds up. I didn’t have those expenses, at all. But I do realize I have privilege. Many people don’t have the means. I married a smart, hard-working guy, and we have had some really lucky breaks along the way.

I’m aware I may be babbling. I’m in that hazy, cool, fun, dreamy, tired state.

I often resent that I had to stop my career, such as it was, to tend to my broken body. What could I have done if I had gotten proper support instead of being encouraged to go on LTD? Would I have been a better employee were I not in pain all the time? I don’t know. Life is this way now, and I’ve spent so much time getting to know myself, I wouldn’t trade with anyone now.

Our son is going on a class trip for four days next week and I’m stressed.  He’s growing so fast! Ugh, these kids give me so much stress, and are my world, all at the same time. I didn’t realize parenting would be as much fun as it has been. I’ve laughed so much along the way! There have been lots of tears, too. But lots of laughs. I will be so relieved when he’s back home.

Probably should nap now. My eye hasn’t changed, but is getting tired.

Wash your hands, my zebra pals! 😘