Sorry, I’m Late… Too Mellow…

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I know I said I would be back yesterday, but I have been dealing with a flare-up and have been sleeping up to 18 hours a day. If I am not sleeping, Β I just lie there, curled in a ball. My husband tries to wake me, but he can’t when he gets home. Consequently, I haven’t had a bath in two weeks. A proper one, anyway. I’ve been washing in the sink. And using wipes. To think that is all some people can do! Today I will bathe properly!

I’ve finally smartened up and am taking the full course of meds available to me. I don’t care how loopy I get. I’ve asked my husband to force my medicine into me, not just try to wake me. Β The distinction is important.

The reason I can’t bathe is I am not comfortable without my husband being here to get me out of the tub. I have fallen a couple of times, and the kids aren’t equipped to help if I am unstable at all. I keep thinking I will do it tonight, but then… oh well. My teens smell worse.

I have spent the last two weeks really regenerating. I did a lot of good things, some stupid. First thing I did was end my Beauty Blog. Β That was a tough, but obvious decision. I just can’t keep up with the deadlines I put on for myself. I can’t even scroll through Instagram right now! So, once I ended that, at least the guilt and pressure was off. You can keep up with me on Instagram, which I do update regularly @squidgeaboo. If I am ever strong enough, I would love to do the Beauty Blog again, but I think things would look different. It would depend on my health at the time, of course.

Next, I deleted Facebook Messenger. I think that was a mistake, one I will rectify once I am done this post, but it made sense when combined with my original plan. I was going to originally delete Facebook entirely, but then I remembered how useful it is as a sign-on device. I then decided to delete all my friends. Remember, I was pretty close to total mental collapse, here! Or emotional. As I started deleting, there were some I just couldn’t. (Now, I had added a ton of people after the US elections last year. I was hoping to become more engaged, but it didn’t work well. I made some wonderful friends, so it wasn’t a loss. However, there were many people I didn’t engage with and didn’t recognize.) I know there are good people who got caught up in my zeal, and some in my clumsy fingers, and even a few in my original mandate! I had intended to go back and do a second wave later, but looking at my new feed, I could see all my old friends. I could chat with people I remembered. They were there all along.

Perhaps Facebook enagement is what I need. Perhaps that is what I can handle. I do hope people can forgive me. Although I don’t know if I should draw attention to my boneheadedness and apologize or just do better from here on in.

I’m still playing with makeup when I can. The exhaustion doesn’t help, but it’s important to stay flexible and keep my fingers working with dexterity. Crochet is out, so makeup is in. I asked my husband for a couple of craft supplies and he spent hundreds of dollars on duck tape, the fancy kind, and glue, papers, mats, exacto knives, etc. I’m in heaven! Don’t worry, I promise not to sell you any crappy crafts! πŸ˜‚

The other project I am working on is organizing my house. Well, everything I can reach. The other three members of my family have executive function issues, meaning they aren’t great at the higher levels of care, such as throwing out empty bottles of shampoo, etc. Being organized means everything is in a pile. I have been out of commission for ages, so it’s time to organize and dispose of everything we don’t need. It is going to take ages, as I can only do a bit at a time. The rest of the time, I stare at whatever is on TV. I sat through an Extreme Couponing Marathon. Fascinating. My brain can’t comprehend anything complicated. Just staring at the pretty pictures!

Anyway, organizing! Started with the bathroom… now for my too-big clothes! But the socks go first! Anything uncomfortable…gone! How many pair do I need? πŸ˜‚ Maximum 5. If I go out 7 days in a row, I can either wear fuzzy bed socks or my worn ones twice…

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P.S. I should note that my husband has done an excellent job of things over the years: Our house is not exactly a craphole, except for the fact that our kids spread out everything they own in order to see it. He hasn’t gotten rid of some of the other stuff, though, like the shampoo I didn’t like, or the razors I don’t use anymore, or weed out the facecloths that are paper thin. He does think we need new bath towels! He’s taken all my clothes that don’t fit to the basement. I want them gone. That sort of thing. Big Purge. 😈

Head Pain

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Aaagh My head! My head and neck are really sore. I’m just in so much pain. The back of my head really hurts. I fractured my skull in 1992 after a fall down some stairs. Like, a flight and a half. I saw my boots silhouetted against the sky. And I remember nothing. I woke up 10? Minutes later. I was taken to the hospital when fluid was leaking out of my ears later that day. I had some bladder incontinence for a day, but then was better and they sent me home, no follow up. But that’s where it hurts. Β I’m also quite nauseated.

I rubbed Voltaren on my neck last night. Oh! Heaven! 😍! My neck is so much better. It may be why my head hurts, as I tend to have migraines when I relax. I want to be put in a harness and hanged by my neck so I can straighten everything out. My husband suggested he crack me like a whip to put everything into place!

I’m in a happy mood, my makeup guru drops a makeup collection today! I’m so excited! My friend made my week the other day. She went blonde, and said I had inspired her, because I have so much fun on my Instagram and beauty blog with different lipsticks and makeup. Wait until she sees my new lashes! Also, she’s quite a beauty. I’m flattered to have inspired someone so fabulous!

I have an appointment with my therapist today, and I’m slightly displeased. Mildly miffed? They have a 48 hour cancellation policy, as one does, and I understand it’s to keep those reluctant or anxious from canceling at the last minute every time. However, I don’t know when I’m going to be hit with blinding pain every time. This is not a therapy avoidance tactic, and although my therapist is kind enough to meet with me by phone, I am not exactly getting my $200 worth that I am paying out of pocket. Anyway.

I’m in tears from pain now. Still happy, though. You zebras know what I mean! Just vaped. Lol! πŸ˜‚

Have a good day Zebra friends!

PS. To whom it may concern: I didn’t see any owls on my Facebook. If you go to my WordPress page, the icons at the top? Should take you directly to me. My avatar shows half my face. Also on my WordPress site is a contact form to email me so you can send me your name, I can look out for you!

My head is mushy and um… sorry. I am intelligent.

The Fog Lifts

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I have no idea what this gif is about, but I thought it was adorable.

I woke up this morning to more energy. I had to be careful to not go overboard and try to do everything, but I did get an impressive amount done, including a look for tomorrow’s Instagram, a Facebook live, which I’ve never done before, that was fun, and some organization stuff I wanted to do. I chatted on Facebook for a bit, nice to talk to people. I’m feeling more comfortable, not as picked at, I must be feeling better.

I called my Mom, to tell her about a nail polish I’d found by Smith and Cult called Birdie Num Num. If you’ve seen the movie The Party starring Peter Sellers, you’ll get the reference. I laughed so hard! I love that movie! It’s a family favorite, a good memory, as my Dad was well-ish at the time. He could at least laugh. It was before depression really took his personality. Β I’ve so overspent this month Mom offered to buy it for me! So sweet! The brand doesn’t ship here, it’s tough to get, but I found it, so…yay!

I did some ambien shopping last night. I get dozy and shop and don’t remember in the morning. It does come back to me. My husband was complicit, I remember him helping. I bought a bunch of cheap eyelashes to test the quality. They should be fun to play with. I spent about $35. Then there was early in the day when I overspent at Beautylish. I was trying to buy the Jeffree Star Manny/Β MUA collaboration, but I wasn’t sure what the total would be, and I had to be over $100 for expedited shipping. However, my son had a crisis as I was trying to put everything into my cart, and I forgot to take extra things out, so I bought more than I planned. We will survive, I just can’t get away with this excuse every month. πŸ˜ƒ

Other than that, it’s been a good day. I took my migraines medicine finally. I think that was smart. I am having incredible neck pain, and I think it may have something to do with the bralettes I’ve been wearing this week. I had husband pick up a couple of sports bras, they are slightly big so they don’t irritate my stomach, but my neck aches. I’m very large busted. My breasts have been sore, so I want them controlled, but anything I wear hurts my neck. I’m at a loss. Ace bandage? πŸ˜ƒ I will bring this forward at the EDS clinic.

I’m glad I don’t feel quite as bone-weary as I did yesterday. That’s an absolutely frightening feeling.

Have a great evening, Zebra loves! 😘

 

Thinking About Stuff

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I’ve been thinking of my post of yesterday, since I’m lying here with a bout of painsomnia, and while I wrote that while vaping, I think I need to make some amendments.

I didn’t mean to sound joyful that I have no friends, because I do have friends. I am just recognizing some old patterns of people beginning to move on. It is a relief in some ways right now, as I don’t have the spoons to deal with much of anything, however, I know I will be lonely in a couple of weeks when I’m feeling a bit better. What can you do, though.

The signs? The calls drop off, they start to pick fights with you over nothing. They have time for others but not you. They don’t leave you messages like they used to, they ignore your messages. They attack you on Facebook. It’s not pretty sometimes. If it gets really nasty, their friends join in, but that hasn’t happened to me, thank goodness.

I guess I’m happy that I don’t have to put out the energy at the moment. I just had my treatment, and I’m more exhausted than usual. I can’t even joke with my husband. It’s too much.

I need to cut back my existence, and I’m cutting it to where I want it. Talking about what I want to, eating what I want, being what I want. It’s a revelation. I don’t have the energy for more. I don’t expect this to continue forever, or past the weekend. But people ask how I feel and if I need things and listen. It’s shocking.

On the other side, there are lulls in every friendship. If this is one, so be it. Is my health setback teaching me my limitations? Where I need to draw the line?

I have asked several of my friends to read my blog. Some have refused, saying we can talk about these issues. Yet we never seem to. I’m sure some have and do read it. I appreciate everyone who takes a minute to read my words and take this journey with me. I can’t think of a higher compliment.

I’m feeling very confused right now. Please don’t confuse this with unhappiness. I feel like I am doing a lot of growing. Shedding a skin, gaining a new confidence. It’s so strange as I need to retreat further into shelter of bed and medicine I feel more confident, but I do. I feel more settled. It’s almost like I was scared to be alone, and I found out I’m okay! (That’s so strange but it’s 1:40 am)

I’ve been wondering if it’s just Canada that people don’t reach out assuming you’re bothering someone or prying. Except for one or two people I have to contact everyone, and I don’t have the energy even on a good run.

That’s not to say people won’t be welcomed back if their schedule lightens up. Providing I’m not an international supermodel by then. Β πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I have one friend who habitually reminds me I’m not her #1 friend, I get it.

Speaking of modeling and #1 friends… 😈 I put this photo up on Instagram the other day, no big.

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No big deal, it’s me wearing a Kate Sommerville anti acne mask. (Try to keep it together you know who you are! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) Well, Kate Sommerville PR, sees this and asks to use it. Which cracks my friend up no end. 😍😍😍 I’m glad I could bring her joy. All that makeup expertise, and I slap on a mask, the crowd goes wild.

I slept most of the afternoon again yesterday. It helped. I want to sleep now, but husband is snoring, it’s raining, and I’m aching. I dislocated my jaw again. My daughter brought me a cold hamburger from the fridge and I was so hungry I tried it. Dumb. I just had the damn shots, too. Idiot.

I’m still nauseated. So it kind of doesn’t matter, anyway. I had a Mars bar. I’m still under my calorie count.

What do you think they might do to my pubic bone to make it not hurt? Duct tape? Let’s start around my hips and get more intimate if we have to.

OK, Β it’s almost 2 am. I’d better try to sleep!

‘Night Zebras! 😘

Wednesday!

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Having a restful day relaxing and recovering from yesterday and my doctor appointment adventure. I’m awfully tired today. Very sore, but feeling good otherwise. My hands are unruly, though. It’s like trying to type with mannequin hands. They are so stiff, and kind of sore.

My son had to watch the documentary movie Supersize Me for school, so we watched it together. He has so much homework to do while on break, but I don’t think he’s touched much of it. I know he was supposed to have a bath today, and has ignored all requests to get in and do that. Dad will have to yell, I suppose.

My husband called about that ridiculous taxi driver who was so obnoxious yesterday, and it turns out he is suspended. The company apparently has been having problems with him, but they can’t really prevent him from getting into one of their cars and driving, he’s just not sanctioned. Nice to know, staying home forever now. πŸ˜‚

I put up a photo of my new highlighter set and got a comment on my Instagram from said highlighter creator, and my favourite makeup guru Pat McGrath, so I am in seventh heaven today! I took some time to play and I had a good relaxing fun experience.

My television cable box Β connection has been broken since yesterday. This isn’t enormous, but I get a ringing in my ears and I like some television noise to drown it out. Music is jarring to me, for some reason and that really upsets me. I miss it. I can only listen to things in a certain tone and if it gets too high-pitched, I just cringe. Also, at a certain point I flake. With no TV, I keep on going… not good.

My friend since high school sent me the most touching note. I’m just … I need a few days sometimes between when something happens and thanking someone. I need time to let my emotions settle. It was so beautiful. I’m going to keep that note forever. ❀

Today was a comfortable day, despite the pain. I don’t know if that even makes sense.

Have a lovely day, Zebra friends! πŸ˜™

 

Feeling Okay

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It’s strange to wake up a couple of days in a row and not feel like you had been locked in the trunk of a car overnight. My back is still sore and my breasts have been inexplicably tender for the past couple of weeks. The nausea is still present, but quite diminished, which is a treat! However, the pain is so much less. I feel normal?

I did add to my troubles yesterday when I had dinner. My husband feeds me a half a cheeseburger with bacon for dinner on Saturday. We have been discussing the size of patty for a year now. I told him he needs to make them thinner or remove the bun. He grudgingly removed the homemade bun, but it was back last night. Knowing he went to the effort, I tried it. Wham! As I opened my mouth, and then wider I could hear the creaking of my jaw and then felt the flash of pain. I felt the whole bottom part move over? Is that a thing? I don’t think my jaw opens smoothly, it opens partway, then moves to the side to open more. I could hear the grinding and clicking, and then a snag. But the pain! I will speak to my dentist when I get there. I had a pretty bad headache last night, but I’m just a bit sore today. Soft food.

I did get lots of stuff done yesterday! Played around with my makeup, got some shots for my Instagram, Beauty blog. My daughter harassed some people to ask why they aren’t following my blog, it was sweet. πŸ’œ I must be dying πŸ˜‚

Vaping is the activity of the moment, more makeup (lots of stuff dropped this week) and hopefully I don’t try to overdo it!

Wishing you some pain diminished moments, Zebras! πŸ˜™

Weekend!

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Hey hey! It’s Saturday! I woke up with the back of my head banging so much I felt like it was going to fly off. I’ve got my coffee and my mmj, so we shall see about that.

I stayed curled up in a ball last night. My friend didn’t make it over. We had a pretty big snow storm. 10 cm of snow isn’t a lot, but when it falls all at once, it’s a problem on city streets. She’s going to drop by today, after her massage.

I didn’t make it to my virtual party last night. I decided to join Rodan + Fields as a consultant, but only to purchase my own stuff. They call those ‘face washers’ apparently. Β πŸ˜‚ This party was for those that were joining. I couldn’t uncurl myself enough.

I’m feeling a bit better today, not fantastic, but maybe moving will help. Going downstairs and seeing people.

Darling husband was super sweet today. He shops at Walmart every Saturday at 7:00 am, and there has been a sale on big fluffy pillows the past three weeks. He brought home one for everybody on week one and two, and two for me today, so I am just swimming in pillows. Unfortunately, he dumps things on me, so I am covered in things and can’t dig out. I will need his help later to make sense of all this. I don’t have the spoons, and my bed (our bed) looks like a bed from hoarders.

I need to find cheap tools for my mmj device. I keep losing them, and have to source more. Tried pipecleaners, not strong enough. This mmj is what is keeping me from certain death of spirit right now. It’s very high CBD, mid THC, so I can still function.

I have had the weirdest encounters with men the past few days. Normally, men are pretty respectful. I’m old, disabled, used to be pretty fat, and I’m still considered obese, but I’m about 5 lbs. away from being merely overweight! I chose a fairly man repellant icon for my Facebook photo, deliberately, not that I need to worry, yet I still had one guy in messenger saying he wanted to kiss my neck, another guy on my actual page saying he wanted to marry me! He claims he still wanted to marry me after I told him I needed a manservant to look after me, this bitch with pain, my personality does not make up for it, I wear nothing but onesies, and watch nothing but animated shows. Had to block someone on Facebook because he continually would judge my statuses, tell me I should be caring more about this or that. Just disrespectful. This one in particular was a petition on having Ivanka Trump’s Line dropped from a Canadian clothing store, which he didn’tΒ feel is fair, because “she didnt do anything”. Disagree with me, yes, but don’t talk to me like you are my father. Anyway, I didn’t want him coming back with arguments or whining, hence the block.

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What takes the cake is my Instagram interaction this week. I deliberately chose a photo for my daughter’s birthday this week that was not so flattering. I’m glad I did. One tag I used was Aspergers. This one guy contacted me. Normal. He started chatting about struggling with Aspergers. Fine. Then he asked me if my daughter finds farts funny. Blocked.

This must be my punishment for participating in that thread and saying I wasn’t getting that much harassment so I didn’t mind friending men on social media. What is wrong with them? Does this work on anyone? If so, whom?

My friends always tell me to take my photo off my profile, use something neutral. But just because someone is a jerk, I’m not going to change my whole life.

I really, really, really love my socially awkward husband.

My friend showed up much earlier than I expected. I thought she was having a massage at 12:30 so I budgeted an hour, and then travel time, so 2:00 at the earliest, but she was here at 1:30, and I didn’t have time to finish vaping, never mind getting dressed, or finishing my blog post. But she was great, came and hung out in my bedroom. She’s so swamped at work. It’s terrible. I wish I could see her more often! We had a good catch up. My sweet husband made chocolate chip cookies. Gluten-free of course. They are delicious.

I’m still sore, my abdomen hurts. I have cramps. It feels like a bad period, or maybe a cyst. I don’t know what’s going on, but it hurts. I shouldn’t be having problems as I’m on Mirena, Β so maybe it’s gastrointestinal. That makes more sense. I mean, my GI system has been bothering me since I was a toddler. I used to eat only every second or third day.

I should go do something productive, like check the weather, see if there are any storms brewing, find out how my week is going to be. Three seasons per year are tolerable here, really.

Have a stripey day, my zebras! 😘