I’m not certain if I’m actually ill or if my body just quit on me. Not that dramatically, of course. I am aware it could quit to a much greater degree.
I should probably stop here and warn you this might get a bit weird and rambly, as I have spent the past couple of days on nighttime Tylenol cold and flu trying to keep my sinuses clear, because otherwise my head is killing me. I have eaten, but I should eat more. My stomach is playing a horrible game of Would You Rather? with my head: if I stay lying down, my heartburn is horrific. I breathe fire! If I sit up, my stomach is better, but my head hurts. I have fun arranging pillows and stuffed animals in various positions… as I was rambling
So, ahem, I am lying in bed watching trashy tv and eating bon bons and cold pizza, dressing in cute outfits, shopping for more, applying masks, lotions, and thoroughly enjoying it. I am prioritizing myself. Of course, I have worked up to this. Wednesday and Thursday I slept. The mask and lotioning is tbd after nap. I am so exhausted. I feel like something is going on, sinus-wise, and I have huge dark circles under my eyes. It’s quite tough to tell, because I use a CPAP and the constant air pressure keeps your sinuses in your nose fairly clear.
I am staring down one of my biggest fears. What!? I have a lot. This one happens to be: Being thought of as lazy. Even if it’s only me who knows, at least I know I did something. It’s not good for my health.
What scares me? I’m enjoying the relaxation. I’m scared that I won’t be ready for work (not real work, since im pretty sure that ship has sailed, I mean like for family and stuff) when I need to be. What if the world falls apart without me?
What if it doesn’t?
I’m going to laze around for a few more days. I’m enjoying how my breathing is so much smoother. My husband is thrilled because he thinks this is what the doctor intended. All rest, all the time.
These days it does take all my strength and concentration to get anything done. I know I’m supposed to get in touch with so many people but I don’t think I can function that way at the moment. I’m trying!
Hi there! I’m pretty sure I am still alive, but the days and nights are blurring together, and I don’t know where I am, (ha! I’m in my bed, duh!) Or what I am doing. (Either wrapping presents or sleeping. I may be doing both.)
The past 10? days have been strange. I have been incredibly ill. I am so exhausted I don’t know which way is up. I have been existing on what my husband (I presume) has been leaving for me. Brie and crackers, mostly. They are the only things that stay down. I haven’t seen my husband much. I did force myself awake this morning to speak with him. (Plus, I creaked open one eye and he was running around in his cutest boxer briefs, yay eye candy!) I must be feeling slightly better!
I was to be seeing my cannabis doctor today, but I can’t. Short of a stretcher, I am not in any condition to be going anywhere. My prescription runs out mid-January, so I do have some time, but I need husband to be able to take me there. They have grown fond of him at work. Problematic. Now, the doctor has a remote program I may qualify for, if you’re sick enough, and if you remember last time I went I was forced to walk due to construction and sobbed through my appointment. They have also started a VIP program for $300 per year, which has something to do with remote appointments, but the info was vague, and my husband was the first to call, so… I am not thrilled about two tiered medicine. I am very thrilled we could afford $300 a year, if that is right. It goes with my husband being so beloved – and he wouldn’t have to take a full day off. He could work from home, and take just however long for the appointment. Such a relief for our family. (Yes, I am aware this makes the doctors sound sketchy, I think they are on par, frankly. Are they money hungry? Hell, yes!)
I feel terrible I haven’t seen much of my kids, but I have been getting up every morning when my alarm goes off during the week at 6 am, and weekends at 9, but I was up around 8. I have seen my daughter during the week, and my son on the weekend, so not much has changed. They’re teens. Always stuff going on. I always want to spend more time.
In Aquatic news, one of our Elder Pleco died yesterday. We are quite upset. However, downstairsn, it seems we have our second litter of bushynose pleco! We didn’t intend to have them breed, but, here they are!
I found this hilarious, I am tempted!
From my favourite advice column:
Not an Act
Prudie advises a letter writer who constantly gets questioned about her disability.
By Mallory Ortberg
DEC. 19, 2017, 8:00 AM
Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at email@example.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Q. Not faking it: I am currently disabled. I’ve worked my way up to being up and about for an hour to two each day. Whenever I go out, people say the oddest things to me. Today, when I parked my car, a man came up and said suspiciously, “You don’t look disabled.” I said I just had surgery and rushed away. This happens almost any time I use my handicapped tag. Friends will tell me that I don’t look sick, or that I look great, and then take it personally when I say that I can’t go out for long or go to events. One of my best friends today asked if I had just tried increasing my pain tolerance. I never know how to respond, and knowing that these interactions are coming makes me anxious about leaving my apartment. What can I say to strangers who confront me about my disability, and to friends who don’t get it?
A: This will hopefully serve as a reminder to all readers that not every disability is immediately visible, and that it’s not the job of the general public to monitor people with handicapped placards for signs that they “really” need them. You don’t owe strangers a damn thing, much less an explanation, and I’m so sorry that so many people have taken it upon themselves to demand one of you. Feel enormously free to ignore them.
Getting this sort of treatment from your friends seems so much more painful. I cannot imagine why your friend would say something as amazingly stupid as, “Have you tried just feeling less pain?” That’s worth revisiting, especially since you say this person is one of your best friends. This is not something you can simply decide to ignore, and your friend should apologize for suggesting you just “get over” something like chronic pain. I hope there are people in your life who understand that you are dealing with a new reality, and who are looking for ways to demonstrate their care and support, rather than demand when you’re going to “get better.”
I am thrilled I get to miss the in-laws Christmas again this year, as I always get treated with suspicion. The first 7? Years of my disability leave my SIL would ask if I was working yet? Although, I have thouroughly explained my illness to my parents, and my Mother has asked me 3 times if I am coming up for Christmas.
I do hope you are having a wonderful holiday season if you are celebrating!
We celebrate Christmas, and I am currently trying to wrap what I can day by day. My sister is coming to visit, she has been teaching English in China, and I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She will be here after the holiday. I have no idea when, but hey – all will be revealed.
I’m desperately trying to rest up. Taking my vitamins. Staying warm, Husband knows he will get sick as soon as he stops.
Ok. I am exhausted. That was far longer than intended, but good to share.
Although I think I’m done with the cat puking phase… 😂. It’s terrible when you have two kids in school, and a husband who is in different offices. He has to work in different spaces sometimes. Not to mention the amount of doctors offices and hospitals we hang out in. I feel like im not catching things as often as I was, and I’m getting over them more quickly, so there’s that.
So I’ve been curled up in warm blankets, shivering. My husband was even with me on Monday, but I wasn’t too bad then. Tuesday I slept, and Wednesday, I alternately slept and expelled kittens.
I was going to try and do some things today, but i asked my husband for some warm clothes, and he laughed at me and handed me the cold medicine. The nighttime stuff. I suppose he’s right. I’m so achy and cold I will probably need today just to warm up.
It’s not THAT bad a flu, though. Might as well coddle myself, since I have the opportunity! Warm blankets… my shoulders are really sore, though. Incredibly sore. They go along with the rest of the body aches, but I’ve never had anything target my shoulders before. Strange.
Oh, and our neighbors are having work done on their house this week and it echoes right into our bedroom. Good thing I can sleep through almost anything. Daughter brought me noise cancelling headphones and i slept through my alarm. 😃
Ok. Time for rest. We’re all getting flu shots when healthy. I insist. I’m not doing this all winter. I’ll be down to my birthweight.
All in all, I’m not feeling too awful. I hadn’t had a great time sleeping, but once I’d figured out my feet haven’t been warm since… I can’t remember, it was time for some socks. I usually can’t sleep with socks on, but my feet liked this, and I slept like the proverbial log. I thought I should look online to see if I could find some slippers. Not an easy thing in August. I may stick with the socks with the trippy bottoms for now.
I was miserable last night. I had a couple of days where I had slept for 20 hours or so, and my meds were all screwed up. My knee kept popping out, my face and head hurt, my back hurt, I had cramps, I couldn’t remember anything, and I was lonely. I was whining to my husband that I couldn’t get comfortable, and I was freezing. I wanted more pillows, and he got this happy look on his face. Apparently, he had purchased all these pillows and didn’t know what to do with them. So he immediately piled four pillows on me and produced three from under the bed. Such comfort!
My sheets are so gross and smelly. I’ve been so sick, husband hasn’t been able to get me out long enough to change them. This weekend. I am so excited! The kids’ bedding is changed every week, but I’m always asking him to leave it just one more week, we will be fine! Ugh.
I am so tired these days. The heat, the pain, not moving, the stress. It adds up. I’m usually better after my shots, but I haven’t heard from the clinic yet. I’m not eating as much, either. I get weighed on the weekend, usually, too.
Today it’s mostly my head, my back, and my pubic bone giving me trouble. My knees are acting up when I get up to use the washroom. I try to straighten them and they pop and crack, quite painfully, as you see the patella slide around, or it knocks sideways before sliding into place. God, it hurts. I’m trying to rehydrate. Last night I had the worst case of dry mouth. It’s probably from all that time asleep. I should have taken in some water. Thunder storms and rain today. The big stick that pokes my wounds.
My boy is a grouchy today. His sister is being sweet to me. I was thinking just yesterday how I will missthem when school starts. Check that. Not the fighting. Sigh.
As long as my feet are warm, I’m sleepy. So it’s naptime. I’m nodding off.
I forgot to show off my new Hair! It’s usually curly, but we put in a treatment to reduce the frizz and tangles. It’s better if the blowout stays for a couple of days.
My family went out and bought me an aromatherapy diffuser. This one fits in your cup holder. Because I don’t go out, it’s small enough that I can manage it. I can pick it up to fill it. It’s pretty powerful! We have bigger ones, but this one is more manageable.
I’m still feeling worn out, but I’m looking toward the weekend for some rest. I can push until then. Gently. I’m not going to exhaust myself, though. Just makeup playing 😁.
It was pretty darn rude of me to just drop out of sight like that, but I’ve had a hell of a week.
My son has had phenomenal anxiety. He is enrolled in a day camp, and he can barely attend. He struggles so much. I had a long chat with his counsellor today, so I feel he is getting some good help. Being a teen is tough. I didn’t like it either.
EDIT: I spoke to his professional counsellor for therapy, not his camp counsellor, he actually did that himself.
We have permission for a wheelchair. A temporary one. My doctor is hoping we can still do something with my knees, and we hope I can walk part time.
My hands, wrists, and fingers have been awful. They hurt so much. I’m not sure what to do. Resting didn’t help. I keep being told to wait for the clinic but it could be 6 months away.
I want to sleep all the time. I’m so tired. I’m trying to be awake, but I start falling asleep like I am now. So I have to go.
I’ll try again soon. Taking vitamins. Maybe it will pass.
I adore Bob’s Burgers. So much that Archer is weird now.
I have been neglectful of my blogging responsibilities. I am sorry. I have been spending all weekend rearranging my living space with the assistance of my family. We are not quite done, because they move like turtles. Well, they did until we straightened some things out. I like to give orders 1 through 10 and have them completed. Now go away and leave me until I need you again or work on task X. We were working as I was giving an instruction and waiting for it. Ugh. No. We sorted through a ton of my makeup and skincare. I feel well organized, because if I can argue my way into a couple more steps, I will be quite independent.
I was going to do my blog about beauty today, but I decided to nap. I think it was a great idea, because I was out. From 3 until 6. But here I am at 1 am, exhausted and unable to sleep. I don’t understand. How does this keep happening? I try to stay up, I fall asleep out of exhaustion, just a bit, and I’m still awake! I see another sleep study in my future!
I finished my medicine from the infection I had on Saturday. I felt great! Unfortunately, my tongue is starting to tingle and swell and go numb again. My lips a bit, too. My husband is off tomorrow for his eye appointment. I dont want him to drag me to the doctor. Besides. I don’t want to go. I’ve NEVER had anything weird like this before! I don’t want to be around any more sick people (acutely). (Contagious)
For those who spend much time in bed, how do you configure your kingdom? I wonder if some of my back pain is in my setup, and would love some ideas of what to change!
One of the things I was going to do was pick up a book instead of a tablet at this hour. I sensed my husband was semi awake. He is autistic, what they used to call Aspergers, though not formally diagnosed*. I asked if he had a book light. He asked if I was going to read. I replied exasperated “No, I’m going to perform a colonoscopy!” He shot back he’d get the better flashlight. Thing with him, though, and all autistic people are different, although some are similar, you don’t know if it was sleep mutter, deadpan humour, or strict logic.
*Our daughter was diagnosed in 7th or 8th grade and the staff all commented on how exactly alike they are. Eerily alike. They look alike, they think alike, yeah.
So that’s been what I’ve been up to. Someone else is walking around the house. Probably my daughter, the other Insomniac. She’s so tired during the day, too. We should make a boys club and a girls club. The girls can sleep all day, the boys can bring us food when they have time, and they can go to work during the day and sleep at night. Our daughter and I will stay up and watch Netflix. 😂. Our son has daycamp. We should cross paths morning and evening. Oh, goodness, can you imagine? Shift Workers do it, and it must be great for those who are dedicated or wired that way. I’m not really sleeping at all, just four to five hours altogether. It’s not helping me fight whatever body is fighting. I spend hours just lying here resting. I used to be a 9 hour a night person. My whole life.
I hope you have a great sleep!
PS Sorry I sound kind of grouchy. 🤐 I dont want to be around me either! 😄