Dizziness

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I am so freaking dizzy! I can’t close my eyes anymore, I just can’t. I should be sleeping.

I fell in the bath today. I was crouching to get in, and I saw blackness, then splash! And then my back and shoulder on the left side started hurting. Which is annoying, because my back was doing pretty all right, considering I should have my shots tomorrow, Tuesday, if this is Monday, already. It’s 2:30 am.

I actually feel as if I am getting a period. This is weird. I have a Mirena, have had no problems, just treated for a yeast infection, have incredibly sore boobs, cramps, sore back, and twinges. Definitely not pregnant. I guess I have to trek to the doc. I wonder if weight loss has something to do with it. I’ve never used Mirena at this weight. Does it need time to adjust?

This dizziness is something else. I even THINK about looking up? Makes me sick. I hate people who post photos from planes or videos of skydiving? I start shaking. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.  Or from space? I want to vomit. I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow (no, wait. We decided it was today, right?) today. Someone is going to want me to look up at something…

I just tried to roll on my back facing up and I couldn’t. It makes the room spin. It’s so weird.

I was thinking again the other day… so dangerous, 😄 a couple of appointments ago I was trying to get a concept across to my mmj doctor. I was asking her about a stronger dose or another strain, although my distributor doesn’t do that, that would help me… and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the concept.

Relax.

Relax my muscles an perhaps let some of the tension in my body go. You cannot even fathom how rigid I hold my body. Even when I’m relaxing. I can’t drink, we can’t get massages, every time I do relax I get a fucking migraine, I can’t eat anything good, hot bath? How long does that last? I’m cooking to death in this room already, no heat for me. I hate cold, I snuggle up and watch comedians on Netflix. I’m still tense as fuck.

I can’t close my eyes, it makes me dizzy.

I’ve been trying for an hour to sleep.

Anyway, now I target each part of my body starting from the top or bottom, and relax each bit. It’s an exercise. Deep breathing, all that jazz.

My little corner of the universe is becoming quite becoming. I’m finding a lot of joy here. My makeup stash to my skincare stash, (PS, if you spend more than $100 on Korean skincare and masks, it is too much, and you will spend the next six years giving it to everyone who walks by. ) it’s all becoming accessible and organized and joyful. My clothes are slowly getting organized… that’s my daughter’s project, though, and she is taking forever!

Anyway, I need to try for 3 hours, and my elbow hurts! 😢

💜

Rough Night.

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I have been having horrible abdominal cramps the past couple of weeks. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis in 1989. It was originally thought to be the source of my pain. I have been fine since I had my kids, mostly due to the Mirena. I’m on number 3, and am on year 2 I believe, so nothing should be wrong. I haven’t had any spotting. In fact, it had been working miraculously in helping me with cramps.

Over the past week, I’ve had discharge as if I was ovulating, (that’s one thing about chronic illness, being really in tune with your body. I knew exactly when I was ovulating, which made pregnancy a snap). The cramps were slightly menstrual-like, but more sustained ovulation-like. Mittelsmertz, if you will. Yesterday I was so distracted I even forgot my medication all day!

I went to bed early, I was generally uncomfortable. My head is hurting at the back. Around midnight I woke up screaming with intense abdominal cramping. Did I have a cyst burst? It was just on the right side. The pain lasted almost 20 minutes with me just babble scream-moaning for that time. It eventually subsided, but I’m aching intensely this morning. It could be that I caught my ovary or twisted it a bit. Or a bit of adhesions ripping. It could be anything. Well, not anything. I don’t think it’s actually a hedgehog on a rampage. It just feels like it.

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This was under the gifs for Endometriosis.  I thought it completely appropriate.

I had a horrible time trying to sleep last night. I just couldn’t. I took extra meds, but it didn’t help. I read some junk on my tablet.

I have my makeup in stacked bins beside my bed. At 10:51 pm. The past two nights, a whole row has fallen over. 😮 spooky! I know my family has been in rough shape because we’ve all been in bed before 9:30 both nights.

I’m curled up in a ball, trying to amuse myself. I’m focusing on taking my meds, having some fun, and taking things a bit easy. I don’t know quite how this will play out. My gynecologist is part of the pain clinic, for the endo part anyway. I don’t have one for other stuff.

The BOTOX shots help a ton with any cramping or discomfort. I had forgotten how much pain this can cause.

My husband might just swaddle me and leave me at the emergency room. 🤣 Like he was giving up a newborn. What should the note say? Tag you’re It? She’s your problem now?  😈

My husband had no idea what to do, so he did nothing. I’m not exactly thrilled. We should probably have a discussion.

Another issue with my doctor being absent is he made a lovely compound for me, well, ordered, and I’m now gingerly using it. I don’t know if I can get it again. It has gabapentin and ketamine in it, it’s a lotion, and it’s unbelievable. It fixed my abdomen earlier. I don’t have another doctor for this.

It was upsetting when I mentioned my doctor situation on Facebook, people started speculating he was ‘up on charges’ that is such dangerous speculation. I took the post down. I wasn’t strong enough at the time. I’m still worried about his health.

Anyway, I need to rest. More soon.

Oh! I’m down to 188. This was the 20 lbs I was keeping for emergencies, remember? Heh. Oh well. Eating is hard. Nausea is pervasive. Heartburn is so often. Even though I’m on the max dose of medicine for it. I just rechecked the BMI charts, and I need to lose 15 more lbs and I’m normal weight. That blows my mind. I was certain I’d never lose this weight. I suppose I like being slim. I’m not so certain I like the attention from men. Wait. I like the respectful attention. I don’t like the disrespectful attention.

Ok, bit of rest now. 😊.

Netflix and Nausea

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My Zebra Strong tee arrived! Booster.com helps charities with fundraising, so they are a cool place to check out.

The past couple of days have been interesting. Yesterday morning I accomplished quite a bit. I cleaned a bit of my bed area and my outstanding computer files. I’m transitioning from a Yahoo address to a gmail, so I did some of that.

I napped all afternoon.

I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix. Mostly Documentaries, interspersed with Embarrassing Bodies, which mostly involves sexually harassing the male doctor, but I’m alone in my room, he can’t hear. ☺

My head hurts. I couldn’t keep down breakfast. I’m almost used to this pain now.

My memory gets really lousy as the day goes on. It’s awful. I did go on a journal spending spree and got some nice ones!

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There are some dotted pens. They are cute! I bought a proper Address Book. I won’t have to fire up the computer every time I need an address! There were three plain journals, and two holographic/iridescent journals. I’m in love with holographic or iridescent products. ❤

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Pretty! And, of course, you can see the reflection of the ring light.

It’s been thunderstorms like crazy here! 😮

I’m incredibly bored, so I’ve made Amazon my bitch, and it’s giving my husband heart palpitations. I’m terrible, I can never do just one thing at a time. The tv is on, but I have to be futzing on my tablet or organizing a drawer or writing a list… I need to Zen more. I should slow it down.

Although I felt awful today, I’m feeling better than I was this morning. My back doesn’t hurt as much, my head is okay. I might try a quick look.

It’s amazing how your pain can change. I know I’m delicate today, though. My abdomen is threatening cramps if I’m not careful. Is that the Endometriosis acting up?

Today will be quiet, with some masking, skincare, Netflix, naps, photos, and maybe a makeup look if I can.

Moving slowly, though. No need to rush!

Hope you have a great weekend!

 

 

Misery Inventory 😭

giphy1Please laugh at my misery. 😁 I am having a pretty lousy day.

It actually started last night. I did my makeup for a friend’s birthday, (once again, just ask) and I was just tuckered. I fell asleep at 5? And asked husband to wake me at 8-ish. He claims he couldn’t wake me. This could be true, as once I was in hospital, and the doctor actually picked me up and shook me, I could feel her do that, I felt myself trying to wake up, but I couldn’t. So I sleep deeply. I have CPAP, don’t worry.

So I woke up this morning, just barely, and my head hurrrrrts. My neck is just aching. I can’t follow a thing. I’ve tried four documentaries and they make no sense. I have to write everything down or it’s gone. I did buy a bunch of journals over the weekend this was so much fun, though.

My stomach is killing me too, though. I have heartburn, unusual. I’m so careful, and have been not cheating. I guess the chips are out. Lightly salted, too spicy. 😐 I am so very nauseated and yet am hungry. Plus my stomach hurts. Just the actual physical area of my stomach hurts. I was wearing a bralettes and it hurt, so I had to take it off. Another day where I can’t wear clothes, they are too much pressure. Physical pressure. My nightgowns are too close around my throat, though I know they aren’t. Any seam hurts. My fuzzy blanket is all I can handle. We’ve had honest discussions with the kids why mommy doesn’t wear clothes sometimes, and why that is a problem in society and we have to give her privacy.

Anyway, my stomach is acting up, but I did have a BM today, which is fantastic! 😀 I used to have to have shots that would reverse the opioids I was on so I could go. It was not a fun time.

But in addition to this, I’m having endometriosis-related cramps, and I can’t figure out why. I don’t know if my body is adjusting to the weight loss, which seems to be stable for now, around 195. Everything hurts for now, and I can never remember what I’m supposed to do.

I finally got it straight with husband. I’m supposed to take marijuana oil and then vape, but I don’t have the strength to vape. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy? Oh, hell no. I am not a lazy person. I really can’t. I don’t think it will do what I need it to do for my neck, anyway. I would really love a bath, but I can’t muster myself to get in there.

The kids are well amused. Daughter is downstairs doing whatever it is she does, and boy is playing the new Nintendo Switch we bought for Husband’s birthday next month. We thought we should get it early and have some time to play it. It arrived Friday, so the boys rushed through their chores, and husband and I had a long discussion about whether he really did ask me to order Zelda or not. I swear he didn’t. I am clear as day on this, but is it just my memory? But I would have no memory of the incident altogether, right? And he forgets to give me the phone every morning so I have to go crawl for it and hurt myself.

So, husband is calling the hospital every couple of days with no response. This is what you get with top doctors. Arrogance.

I have a ton of shopping due to arrive today. At least that should distract. And once I get that bath!

Painsomnia, Regrets.

I shared an article with my husband about one of the Teen Mom’s from MTV getting ‘butt and vaginoplasty’ procedures on-camera, grinning away. And he’s been making hilarious jokes all night. No body shaming, mostly about him going along to get his butt tightened when he’s not being relaxed about things.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/teen-mom-farrah-abraham-blasted-posting-private-photos-instagram-do-you-have-no-shame-1633533

This was the story, if you want to read it. I hope they aren’t tightening her uterus. Just, no.

 

I’m feeling sort of low. I’m reminded of so many of the accomplishments of my friends, and I had to cut so many things short. I was reminded the other day of a friend I’d had for 15 years, and was insanely jealous. I had no clue about this. That is the part I feel terrible about. I suppose I don’t spend time with people I don’t like, and if I do, I don’t blame them. But she envied, I’ve been told, my marriage, my babies, and my job with a bank. Oh, and house with another person’s income it was easier. I envied her ability to work and do something besides sleep. Her relationship with her parents, her baking skills, her bilingualism. I didn’t get to say those things because I felt it was weird to be nice sometimes. She would accuse me of buttering her up to ask her a favour.

I regret that I couldn’t finish university. I don’t know how I could have made this work. My dad was pretty mentally ill when I turned 18, and he wanted me out of the house. He wanted me out forever so he could have my mom to himself, but that’s his thing. So when I turned 18, I was out. I had no where to go. I ended up staying with my boyfriend, who was 10 years older. He was living in a different province. He was then transferred to a third province. I tried to enroll in school and apply for a loan, and was rejected. Apparently, my parents made too much money, and should be funding my education. So, I’m screwed, unless I’m married or 25. Whelp, there hadn’t been too much interest so far, my parents had convinced me I’d be lucky to get married at all. And this guy was willing, we got married in Vegas in November of 1989. Same Day as Bruce and Demi.

There are some people out there who absolutely loathe me for this. One even called me out in the middle of my 25 year high school reunion. Where were they, though, when I had no other place to stay? When I could have used maybe a decent boyfriend? Nah, I was too ugly. Nobody has actually come forward and told me why they are upset or hurt. I’m actually completely bewildered. I have not come up with any sort of explanation for this. I wasn’t even that close to these people. People are always looking for an excuse to hate you. It’s like a rubics cube.

Yes, my first marriage was brutal is a lot of ways, but I did learn a lot, also. Whatever the case, it led me to my current husband. The place I am meant to be. Sometimes you need to go through hell to get to heaven.

I hear other rumors, though. I hear whispers about my “perfect family” and “privilege” that got me a house in downtown Toronto.

Hey, there. I hear your whispers. I see your glances.

I have some privilege. But don’t you dare forget I worked three jobs for seven years, two of those years while going to school, when I did dip down to two. I have been working since the age of 12, securing them and transporting myself.

I have endured five laparoscopic surgeries while working, most of them taking less than three days off for recovery, instead using weekends to recover. All while in increasing pain, exhaustion, being told I was fat, work out more, eat less, and get over it.

Divorced the first guy, married the second, kids were supposed to fix the endometriosis. Had 2. Got sicker. Finally had to concede working.  Sister in law asks while pregnant with #2 “Why would you have another baby if you can’t look after the one you have?” Because we put my daughter in daycare after I tried to go back to work and failed. Nice. My husband is an incompetent child rearer? Thanks. On LTD.

We desperately wanted a third child, but decided we could not afford financially nor emotionally to support one.

My children, both with Autism, act well in public, but are becoming troublesome in private. School refusal has been a problem with the boy, and I don’t know how next year will be.

So if anyone wants to trade lives with me remember, I envy those who:

  • Can get up and go for a walk
  • Can eat some food, whatever they like without stomach cramps
  • Can get up and go somewhere
  • Can stay awake for more than 3 hours
  • anytime but midnight
  • Don’t hurt all the time
  • Can have some fun
  • Can go dancing
  • let’s go shopping!

 

I’m really okay, my husband is the best. He is so sweet to me. I wouldn’t travel this journey without him.

I suppose someone else (me) being content is really tough for people to figure out. True no drama.

 

Right now I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep.

  • Gastroparesis means my bowels are full and rumbly. They’ll be like this and cramps for a while
  • My neck is screaming in pain
  • I have something across the back of my head that hurts. Long ago head injury?
  • I may have a cyst on my ovary, occasional cramping
  • My back hurts
  • jaw pain from head troubles

Actually, not a bad evening. Going to try to sleep.

 

In Pain and Grouchy.

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All right. I’m done. I am bloody well ready to shut it down and move to the furthest edges of where Sephora delivers. I’m over this friendship business. It’s overrated.

I had a person ask me to join a group she started, because it was a mutual interest, so I did. The members seem to devote a lot of time to this group, and it happened around the time all my major nonsense started this year. I haven’t posted much to the group, nor to this person much, except to explain my situation. She deleted me today, as a friend! (Yes, I have spyware) Now, I don’t hate her or think she’s a bitch or anything, but I think it’s pretty much a pattern of how abled-disabled friendships go. Tons of assumptions are made, three months go by, well – they must be feeling better by now! They must not be interested. Where do three months go? It took me four months to see my regular pain management doctor! So much can be solved by talking. But when you have an invisible illness, who has the spoons? How hard is it to check Facebook, really? You’d be surprised.

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This is a pretty nice picture. Notice my top from Old Navy with the Zebra print. This makeup took over three hours to accomplish. I had to keep lying down to quell the nausea and pressure in my head, increasing my headache. I also was dealing with a broken crown because my medical examination last week was so painful, I grit my teeth in pain, and… well. We do need to wait until after my Botox treatment shots tomorrow, because I get lidocaine and Botox in my jaw and it helps a lot. If I need to sit with my mouth open while they tinker, it just makes sense. I mean, my jaw aches, but it’s only really bad when I bite wrong. So, we don’t need to wait, but it makes sense. In this photo I have that headache, rapping the back of my head, jaw pain, my hands are achy from fumbling for stuff, shoulders are cranky, they don’t like holding cameras, and my abdomen/hip on the right side is doing that “you really could lie down you know, sure it bunches up your neck, but so what?” But I’m still trying to look cute and show off my makeup, because this is the Internet. Everyone has a perfect life here!

Why do I do it then? Because otherwise I just lie here bored. Some days that’s all I can do. Some days I need to get my family in order. Things take a lot longer than before. My memory is bad. It must be the pain. My neck hurts so much. I can barely keep track of what I’m doing.

I have been buying tons of makeup again. Partly because I can’t keep track of what I have. I was half-joking with my husband, saying makeup is all I have. I started listing all the things that were no longer available to me:

  • Sex
  • Watching complicated television
  • Milkshakes
  • Travel
  • Dancing
  • Beaches
  • Carbonated Beverages

I went on for a while until I felt good and sorry and it was no longer funny in the slightest.

However, I have discovered a few things that I can participate in:

  • Iced tea with aspartame (I do not care, this is keeping me alive right now)
  • Watching comedians on various corners of the cable service
  • Wearing my zebra outfits
  • Lovely Brand caramels, made with condensed milk – which isn’t FODMAP friendly, but if I only have a couple I do okay. The Sea salt ones are so good!

 

This cheered me immensely.

My son turned 13 yesterday, and my husband made a FODMAP friendly cake! Isn’t he the sweetest? Chocolate, which is the boy’s favourite. The girl likes vanilla. I can’t believe I’m Mom to two teenagers. That’s so weird. I’m just a teen myself! Well, it seems that way, in my head.

Speaking of my head, I spend most of my day in it. I deliberately stay away from people and try to stay busy. I’m always doing something. I have two blogs. My kids require as much support as I can give them, my husband needs loose ends tied up, and I need to maintain my health. All from my bed! I can get pretty foul tempered when I’m in pain. I want to save whatever good mood I can muster for those to whom I’m closest. I want to be as unstressed as possible, and that means releasing myself from as many entanglements as I could.

I even told my MOTHER I needed some space right now.

I see you people hanging on there. I appreciate the hell out of you.

Don’t think I don’t see the irony of me saying “people should really talk more” and me just dropping out of society, but if you were in my head you would totally understand. I feel like there’s a gremlin on my shoulder chopping at the back of my head. My neck is stiff, it hurts to turn right or left or look up. My jaw is stiff and sore. It’s tough to think and comprehend what people are saying. It’s quite embarrassing. It gets worse as the day goes along. It feels like I was put in a blender. My brain is spinning. It’s difficult to concentrate. I’ve been working on this post for two hours now. I’ve lost parts of it. Doing anything is like this. This is not what I am like. I am efficient and organized. It’s a nightmare for me.

I don’t remember if I said this, but the doctor said he was referring me to someone who was going to examine my neck/head and potentially do a block. I think that’s what they thought, but maybe an MRI first. Or an x-ray. Would be good. I don’t want them poking around without any idea of where anything is. I mean, even the dentist takes x-rays.

My face is killing me. I only need to make it to tomorrow.

Love to you, Zebra pals! 😘

 

Irreplaceable Me

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How many days has it been? A million? Ugh.

I’m so bored. All I can do is sleep and sometimes take medicine. I’m way off my routine, I’m not sure what I’ve taken on time this week. Actually,  I’ve mostly missed my 3:00 pills and my mmj. That should be it. My 6:00 a couple of times. But my husband has been getting home earlier and checks now.

I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow! Husband and I are making our list tonight of what we have been seeing. I’m not going to let him bully me into hoping things will get better. This has been consistent pain now for months. I don’t know that I necessarily need more pain medication, but I likely need more investigation into what is going on. This ‘it’s just eds/endo/fibro’ stuff isn’t going to work anymore. When I’m losing use of my hands, when I can’t eat for several days (usually when I have the flu I can take something in without the digestive problems I’ve had. I woke up this morning to find myself on the toilet, so, yeah, ew.).  I want to get this neck thing straightened out -literally! My knees, these damn headaches, the list goes on.

The positive side of things is that I’m reminded how valuable I am to my family. My son turns 13 on Sunday, and my husband has been admirably juggling everything, however the gifts had not been bought. That’s usually my domain. When I have a flare-up, I can still often get things done. When I’m completely out of commission and can do nothing but sleep? Then we have a problem. Then we start to see how not having Mommy around affects us.

I woke up yesterday evening around 7:00 to find my son hovering at the foot of my bed. He hasn’t been diagnosed, but he is definitely on the autism spectrum, and he was doing a little dance of impatience with hand flapping as he waited for me to wake up. As soon as I opened my eyes he dove into my bed and exclaimed he was waiting for me to wake up because he wanted a snuggle. He settled right in beside me, and we watched TV.  It was lovely.

It’s good to be needed.

These are the sleep shorts I bought at Old Navy. I bought 2 pair 20170606_201735of shorts, I think I have 3 complete pajama sets, as they have camisole to go with them, a romper, a strappy top, and a pair of socks all with the zebra pattern on them.  I will take a photo one day when I’m wearing them, once they are all washed up! It’s nice to buy from the regular size part of the store. There are so many choices!  I’m almost redoing my wardrobe. I have so many clothes to get rid of. I don’t ever want to get big again. But we can’t always control that stuff, can we? My biggest things are not eating when I’d rather be sleeping, because sometimes I just eat to keep myself awake, and keeping an eye on my sugar intake. When I eat too much sugar, my weight skyrockets. When I stop, my weight drops at 2 lbs per week. Magic.

OK.  I’m tuckered out. I have lots to do for tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day, Zebra friends! 😘