Resolutions

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One of the resolutions I made for this new year is to be more disciplined in my blogging. I have been very lacksidasical lately, and I don’t like that. Otherwise, my resolutions are month by month, as I did last year. I have most of them laid out, but need to get back to it. January is supposed to be for rest and relaxation, so maybe I’m doing just fine. February is when I crack the whip.

This week was rife with doctor appointments. Last Sunday I met with my cannabis doctor. This was a video call. It was amazing. I was able to talk without crying. He was so nice! He told me I shouldn’t skip any doses and not to short myself. I don’t like the feeling of being loopy, but I’m in so much pain right now, I can’t argue. I have come to some realization about why I’m so leery of being out of control or out of it on medication, but it’s family stuff, and I don’t feel comfortable sharing. However, I  should be able to work through it better now that I know I have a hang-up.

Monday, I had two appointments next door to each other, so I saw my gynecologist first, no big deal. Just a check in to see how I was. Then we had some time so my husband wheeled me around a bit, and we found a Manchu Wok! I haven’t had mall food in years, so I had some… so yummy! Even though I was steadily eating pain pills, by the time we got to the sleep specialist, I was in tears from pain. I got out my story, but she can’t really give me anything but what she has, and she says they are for ‘normal’ people. So I need another doctor. And because I’m crying, I need a psychiatrist. No, I’m in pain. Trust.

But, after that, I decide I’m getting my flu shot because we were there. So we go, but I didn’t count on having to wait under the speakers blasting horrendous music for 45 minutes. Why do they make it so loud? And if it’s so loud, why is it so bad? Then two ladies notice my distress, they were those weird ladies, too. The ones that are really big on top, but have really skinny legs and bums? And they always have feathered hair, and they wear big sweaters that never cover said tiny bums? Anyway, they noticed my distress, so they come over and start singing loudly and tap their feet right beside me and crack up. Lovely. I loathe people.

The next couple of days I just flaked. I did some organizing around here, because it really is one of my favorite things to do. Played with some makeup. Found my contact lenses. I don’t like being loopy, but I sure am in a better mood!

So, Friday. I call my Grandmother. Light of my life. She’s my world. Everything is good.

Then I decide to call an old friend I had been neglecting. Mistake. He starts going on this rant about how I need to find better doctors and I’m too young to be lying in bed all day. I just need to find the doctor who will cure me. I take too many pills. Blah blah. Then: All teenagers think their parents are stupid ergo mine think we are stupid. No amount of conversation would help. Because this wasn’t a conversation, it was a rant. So I started crying and said goodbye. That’s another thing, I’m not going to hide my emotions anymore. Why bother? If I end up just me and my family anyways, people need to know if I am hurt, offended or amused.

My grand total for last year was 4 visitors, including my sister and brother in law, and two social outings. If you count my two day conference as two, then it is three social outings. Not that I didn’t try much harder. I had three more engagements where I was … ditched? Anyway, no worries. Let us see what this year brings.

More Feelings

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Wasn’t it just three weeks ago I was all tearful and sobbing? Yeah it was. I checked the date, January 21, 2017. Here I am feeling like an idiot again. This is kind of hard to explain to people who don’t have chronic pain, and maybe this is something that is really unique to me, but let me try to explain how I feel. Firstly, my body feels like I was in a bar fight last night, with the Montreal Canadiens. And Tie Domi. I also feel like I may never ever stop feeling like this. I worry I’m starting to become a burden.

People tell me “don’t be silly, or don’t think so negatively!” I’d rather have evidence that I’m not a burden.

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Then, when I get onto social media and everyone is sniping, speaking condescendingly to me, missing obvious hyperbole, being obstinate for no purpose… I find myself ditched by people I had admired… my feelings are hurt, but not in a “whyyyy?” way, but in a “am I really this out of touch?” way. It makes you rethink people you had associated with and trusted. I continue to place my trust in the wrong places and be burned. I fight the urge to pull back because it is not going to be advantageous in the long run. Only if I continue to put myself out there, will I make valuable connections along the way. Some tears will be spilled. But if we’ve experienced no failures, it means we’ve taken no chances.

Maybe I’d be stronger on a better day. Today I feel like everybody thinks I’m an asshole. Which doesn’t mean they don’t like me, but that I’m really not that bright. I do get that a lot. Thinking about it now, it only bothers me from the few people who know me and think this anyway.

It’s as if makeup sucks the intelligence out of your head. Dare to show an interest in artistry, and God forbid a concrete thought enter your brain.

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I don’t know why people who have known me for years don’t ask me questions and instead get defensive. If I say something that comes off mean, I’ve probably missed a word! Or a sentence! I don’t think I’ve ever said anything deliberately mean to anyone. So why don’t people ask me? It’s not like something actually happened recently, it’s just this has been on my mind.

My Mom sent me an email around midnight last night saying her skin was itchy and flaky, so I called her today, and we went over some options. I think Husband needs to stop at the drug store to get some things and I will ship it to her since she can’t get out because of looking after my Dad. I have the nicest man in the world! I just talked with him and he was so accommodating!

My husband and son are out shopping for shoes for the kid and getting Panda Express for dinner. It’s off my diet, FODMAP, but what’s more pain? That orange chicken is worth it! I was in labour for 96 hours with that girl! Oh, this is my daughter’s birthday dinner. We are starting early and snacking all day.

It’s super snowy here today, so I know that’s making things worse. 😣 My pain gets bad in snow, and awful when temperature fluctuates.

I should go play with some makeup, that ought to make me feel better. Maybe.

Have a bendy day, zebra friends! 😘

All the Feels

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I went to bed at 6 pm last night. Why do I have all the feels today? No matter how you look at me or what you say, good or bad, it brings tears. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m pretty sure I’m not losing my mind, though. I’m sure I just need a day off from the pain. Think of all the things I would do. Take a shower whilst standing up! Go to the movies, see a double feature. Go to a store! Go to a restaurant. Have sex. Do more than one in a day. What I would love more than anything is to visit my sister in Beijing or my Grandmother in Winnipeg.

Right now, I just feel like everybody hates me and I am useless. I know this isn’t true, but pain plays games with your mind. I managed to sleep through medication yesterday, so that probably doesn’t help.

My husband is being amazing, as usual. 😍

I’m going to find some comedy to cry at and stay off Facebook.

Problems posting this are not helping my self-esteem right now. 😀