A Word on Munchausens Syndrome

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I have been reading a couple of articles on Munchausens, Munchausens by proxy, and have watched the documentary on Gypsy and her mother, and I find Munchausens Syndrome quite fascinating. I don’t understand why someone would choose to fake sick in order to gain attention. Yes, the answer must lie somewhere in the pathology of the illness, but how does the attention actually work? See, I have more than one verifiable illness and I am not drowning in pity and attention. Perhaps it’s because they don’t actually have the illness in question and have the energy to troll for it? Maybe because they usually invoke CANCER which for some reason gets everyone’s attention. I’ve never understood why cancer is held up above all other disease. It’s interesting to me. It is very serious, usually, don’t get me wrong. Maybe because we all know someone with it.

I mean, not that I want attention so much as it would be nice if people noticed the struggle and thought I was doing awesome. It’s better than being invisible.

 

Today went downhill fast.

My head is really in bad shape. My neck is awful. I didn’t sleep well last night, the pain was so distracting. I’ve been eating chocolate trying to soothe, which is a bad sign. I should curl up and either relax or sleep. My face hurts so much. I have intense abdominal cramps, and I’m spotting again or still, I’m not sure. It’s getting to the point where I can’t just wait it out much longer. I don’t know if the EDS clinic has a gynecologist on staff. There was one at the pain clinic, and I did see her privately, but it was kind of a pain to get in. My GP will not deal with this, so I’m not certain what to do. There’s always the possibility my Mirena has pierced something. Not pierced, um… shifted and embedded somewhere. I’m on a lot of medication, who knows what I feel and what I don’t? Sigh.

I need to see to a nap. I’m becoming incoherent. And grouchy.

💜

Im Thinking of Hiring a Male Escort…

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…to come over and watch tv with me. You see, my family is impossible to watch television with. The husband can only watch things that require sporadic attention, like sports, or a comedian. I cajoled him into watching Stranger Things with me last weekend, and in the first freaking episode he had figured out major plot points! I didn’t let him know this, of course. He was great, I know this required extra effort on his part. We then watched Atypical, which is about an 18-year old with autism. That was painful. He is dealing with his own autism and it hit a bit close to home, I think. Anyway, it was wonderful of him to watch with me, but I can’t ask him to do this regularly. He has a stressful job, and to come home and stress over tv is too much.

My daughter watched some tv with me the other day. She likes her shows, though. Either horror movies or teen shows.

I’ve been trying to pull away from documentary and watch more comedy. I think it’s good.

Finally managed to reach my grandmother yesterday. She reminded me she’s turning 96 next week. She asked how old I was, and when I said 47 in November, she replied “Oh, you’re old, too!” 🤣 My husband is 49 next week. Yikes! We is ancient.

Chatting with grandma was lovely but tough. She has a benign tumour on her pancreas, and a polyp in her throat. She needs to have all her food blended. We compared pathetic diets, followed by a round of ‘I feel bad for you!’ ‘No, I feel bad for you!’ It’s horrible to be pitied by your grandmother! I assured her I have a wonderful full life, even if it’s not very exciting. I can’t help but shake the feeling she’s hanging on to make sure we grandkids are all settled.

My life is really lovely. I do have a nice spot carved out here. It’s a quiet life, I’m not making huge splashes at anything. But is that what I want? I have enough people in this world with grudges against me, for very silly things, for the most part. I will just sit here quietly and enjoy my life and quietly do what I can to avoid pain. Cultivate what friendships I can, and just be in the moment.

It sounds right.

💜

North American Eclipse 2017

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My family got together on Monday, August 21, 2017 to enjoy the partial eclipse. We are in Toronto, so we only saw a crescent shape, but it was a fantastic opportunity to get together. My husband studied astronomy and chemical engineering in school, so he is well prepared for this sort of event.

We had the kids make box viewers over the weekend, so 20170821_144218we would be prepared. Here is the first view from my son’s viewer a few minutes into the start of the eclipse. There isn’t much into the crescent here.

We decided it would be best to be in the backyard, because of the events in the states in Virginia, it might be unseemly for a bunch of white people to be standing on the lawn with boxes on their heads, even if it was Canada. I’m totally kidding. Or I was, until some knucklehead was fired from his job in a small city nearby for flying the confederate flag from his truck. Sometimes I don’t understand people. Why be a jerk just to be a jerk? It’s not like Canadians have ties to the confederate flag.  Anyway…

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Here is my daughter’s viewer, close to totality for us. You can see we had about 2/3 of the sun covered. It wasn’t all that dark, sort of like a cloudy afternoon or approaching dusk, but the shadows were so neat! They were different from anything I’d ever seen! The shadows were ominous, like something very spooky was going to happen. But then the shadows reversed and the light returned to normal again.

What was most enjoyable was spending time with the kids. They played with my Snapchat filters for a while, and we laughed a lot.

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I was able to spend some time in the backyard in the sunshine. I haven’t been able to sit in the sun for years. But my family pulled out a lawn chair for me and we had a nice relaxing visit for fifteen minutes before we had to go back in.

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Surveying the property as my darling husband wrestles a humongous pumpkin! 😄

The family had worked hard at cleaning up the yard. There is a lovely grape arbour just outside of the photo. We don’t harvest the grapes, though. We don’t have the spoons to make wine or jam.

I’m worn out. I’ve been sleeping from 2 to 9 and then 1 to 6 am. I’m hoping something can be tweaked so I feel better and less exhausted. This is so boring.

💜

Mercury in Retrograde

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Mercury is supposed to be in retrograde the last two weeks of August, which is why I’ve had this horrible feeling of dread. Or so I’m telling myself.

I was so restless last night, I just could not settle. I was tossing and turning. I had to strip off my nightclothes, as they were getting all twisted up. I tried to make myself a nice pillow fort, but it didn’t work. Mostly, I kept swallowing air and having to sit up and clear it. Very uncomfortable. Not so ladylike, either.

I did fall asleep around 2:00 PM, though, and sleep until 9:00 PM. I usually have no trouble going back to sleep. I’ve been just exhausted, especially after getting outside to see the eclipse! (I will post about that soon!) .  At one point in our history, people used to go to bed around 7:00 PM, sleep until 11, be awake from 11 until 1 and then sleep from 1 to 5 or 6. I could live like that quite happily.

I don’t know if you believe in numerology, I tend not to, but this year my age is divisible by 7, and those do tend to be big years where I re-invent myself. I feel different this year. I have a new outlook. 😊

I bought yet another elbow brace. Size XXL.  Now, I’m not that big anymore, why do I need an XXL? Otherwise I’m ripping them off in agony in the middle of the night, only after a few hours. This one lasted seven. I do feel better, but woah, it’s sore. My hands are sore, too. I’ve been trying to rest them, but you really need your hands! XXL is pretty tough to find. I’m actually using sleeves, not braces. I will save braces until I’m fitted by pros.

Yesterday was supposed to be my BOTOX injections.  I haven’t heard anything from the clinic, but I’m doing amazingly well, considering. I’m not having that much head pain at the moment, but it does ramp up quickly as the day goes on. I’m having a ton of abdominal cramps. I am wondering if my cpap is contributing to my swallowed air. I need another sleep test. I’m to have them for every 20 lbs I gain or lose and I’ve lost 115 lbs without any follow up. It’s straight up due to my mobility. And, the pain therein.

And of course, just the stress. I feel stressed. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s the start of school again. I worry about my kids. My boy didn’t have a great year last year. Grade 7 sucks, though. I need to focus on being relaxed today. My breathing. Relaxing. Perhaps some organization if I can. I love that.

My corner of the bedroom is bringing me joy. I am organizing things so they are easily found and accessible. I have a bunch of trinkets and items to make me happy. Netflix on the television, my makeup organized and close by. Masks and makeup products. Some cool magnifying and fisheye lenses, a zebra striped cuddle blanket. Enough braces to brace an army. Iced tea and lip gloss.

Life is good.

💜

Dizziness

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I am so freaking dizzy! I can’t close my eyes anymore, I just can’t. I should be sleeping.

I fell in the bath today. I was crouching to get in, and I saw blackness, then splash! And then my back and shoulder on the left side started hurting. Which is annoying, because my back was doing pretty all right, considering I should have my shots tomorrow, Tuesday, if this is Monday, already. It’s 2:30 am.

I actually feel as if I am getting a period. This is weird. I have a Mirena, have had no problems, just treated for a yeast infection, have incredibly sore boobs, cramps, sore back, and twinges. Definitely not pregnant. I guess I have to trek to the doc. I wonder if weight loss has something to do with it. I’ve never used Mirena at this weight. Does it need time to adjust?

This dizziness is something else. I even THINK about looking up? Makes me sick. I hate people who post photos from planes or videos of skydiving? I start shaking. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.  Or from space? I want to vomit. I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow (no, wait. We decided it was today, right?) today. Someone is going to want me to look up at something…

I just tried to roll on my back facing up and I couldn’t. It makes the room spin. It’s so weird.

I was thinking again the other day… so dangerous, 😄 a couple of appointments ago I was trying to get a concept across to my mmj doctor. I was asking her about a stronger dose or another strain, although my distributor doesn’t do that, that would help me… and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the concept.

Relax.

Relax my muscles an perhaps let some of the tension in my body go. You cannot even fathom how rigid I hold my body. Even when I’m relaxing. I can’t drink, we can’t get massages, every time I do relax I get a fucking migraine, I can’t eat anything good, hot bath? How long does that last? I’m cooking to death in this room already, no heat for me. I hate cold, I snuggle up and watch comedians on Netflix. I’m still tense as fuck.

I can’t close my eyes, it makes me dizzy.

I’ve been trying for an hour to sleep.

Anyway, now I target each part of my body starting from the top or bottom, and relax each bit. It’s an exercise. Deep breathing, all that jazz.

My little corner of the universe is becoming quite becoming. I’m finding a lot of joy here. My makeup stash to my skincare stash, (PS, if you spend more than $100 on Korean skincare and masks, it is too much, and you will spend the next six years giving it to everyone who walks by. ) it’s all becoming accessible and organized and joyful. My clothes are slowly getting organized… that’s my daughter’s project, though, and she is taking forever!

Anyway, I need to try for 3 hours, and my elbow hurts! 😢

💜

Muddling Through

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All in all, I’m not feeling too awful. I hadn’t had a great time sleeping, but once I’d figured out my feet haven’t been warm since… I can’t remember, it was time for some socks. I usually can’t sleep with socks on, but my feet liked this, and I slept like the proverbial log. I thought I should look online to see if I could find some slippers. Not an easy thing in August. I may stick with the socks with the trippy bottoms for now.

I was miserable last night. I had a couple of days where I had slept for 20 hours or so, and my meds were all screwed up. My knee kept popping out, my face and head hurt, my back hurt, I had cramps, I couldn’t remember anything, and I was lonely.  I was whining to my husband that I couldn’t get comfortable, and I was freezing. I wanted more pillows, and he got this happy look on his face. Apparently, he had purchased all these pillows and didn’t know what to do with them. So he immediately piled four pillows on me and produced three from under the bed. Such comfort!

My sheets are so gross and smelly. I’ve been so sick, husband hasn’t been able to get me out long enough to change them. This weekend. I am so excited! The kids’ bedding is changed every week, but I’m always asking him to leave it just one more week, we will be fine! Ugh.

I am so tired these days. The heat, the pain, not moving, the stress. It adds up. I’m usually better after my shots, but I haven’t heard from the clinic yet. I’m not eating as much, either. I get weighed on the weekend, usually, too.

Today it’s mostly my head, my back, and my pubic bone giving me trouble. My knees are acting up when I get up to use the washroom. I try to straighten them and they pop and crack, quite painfully, as you see the patella slide around, or it knocks sideways before sliding into place. God, it hurts.  I’m trying to rehydrate. Last night I had the worst case of dry mouth. It’s probably from all that time asleep. I should have taken in some water. Thunder storms and rain today. The big stick that pokes my wounds.

My boy is a grouchy today. His sister is being sweet to me. I was thinking just yesterday how I will missthem when school starts. Check that. Not the fighting. Sigh.

As long as my feet are warm, I’m sleepy. So it’s naptime. I’m nodding off.

Not-so-Brief Update

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I should be sleeping. People on TV aren’t really making sense anymore, and husband is snoring beside me. But I’m awake and my back hurts and my head feels as if a small Lego person is wielding a pickaxe and slamming it into the back of my head, right where it joins my neck. It’s wrapping around to my face, and I only feel good when I’m lightly biting on my mouth guard.

I spoke with my dietician today, and it looks like I’m down a bit more food. She is not qualified, of course, but she did confirm that it sort of sounds kind of like I’m tending towards gastroparesis, and I should see a gastroenterologist asap to get the tests.

  • Fatty foods are bothering me. Consistent with gastroparesis
  • Eat and drink alternately. I’m struggling, it’s cutting down on my food.
  • The pain I’m having is in my upper area, in my stomach, not bloating or flatulence.  Paired with nausea and vomiting, consistent with gastroparesis,

We spoke in depth, and until my stomach gets checked out, we are going to try garlic and onion just a miniscule bit. I am stopping anything fatty. I had some chips and oven baked hash browns make me sick.

I have tons of allergies, and damage to my throat due to acid damage, I’m very picky. So, it’s my fault really, I’m not eating such a varied diet.

I do have a Neurologist appointment for the beginning of October ❤ I just have to survive.

We put in the request for the gastroenterologist at the same time, so I am hoping it should appear shortly.  I’m such an optimist!

I went to bed at 2 pm yesterday and woke up at 7:30 This morning, for this appointment.  I woke up disoriented and started yelling. I didn’t expect to sleep so long. Husband took it personally. 😭 I felt awful. We need to work this out. He wants to go to our marriage counsellor,  but the person we were seeing I saw personally. Last I emailed her she answered really strangely. She took my words and quoted them, saying she was sorry I was feeling “awful”. This was right after my head pain, when it was really new and really bad. I was put off and not excited to deal with her again. I don’t know exactly why I was offended so much, but it almost feels like mocking. The mature person would ask about it. The mature person has more energy than I do, I think. I honestly think, she’s moved to a new office, under new rules and the rules may be stricter. But I’m really put off. If it is really important to him, I will suck it up, but it will be mentioned.

Speaking of which, husband paid me a strange yet flattering compliment via our son this weekend. Our son will be diagnosed with Autism when he returns to school in the fall, and he is currently seeing various therapists to assist with organization, motor control, etc. One therapist is leaving to move to a different facility and he had the choice to move with her or stay and work with another therapist. We expected him to make his dad do the talking, but he marched in (he’s 13, he usually goes into the session alone, but he’s not ready to travel alone. Not there, to school, yes. He’s about 11 in maturity, anyway) and essentially fired her. Did all the talking for the hour when he’s usually mute. My husband said that’s like me. I’m good at having the difficult conversations.

Like the time I had a pregnancy scare with my ex-husband? I found him at some stupid place he conned a friend into renting so they could play “office”. I pulled him outside saying “I need to talk to you!” Before I could say one word he said, “I know, you have AIDS.” I only wish I knew then that when people accuse you of something, they are always talking about themselves. I can’t believe how many more years I was in that stupid marriage, too. Definitely not pregnant. HIV-free too. Only 1 STD, and that wasn’t exactly consensual, KWIM. But it was the most easily cleared up thank goodness, no lasting effects. Phew! I wonder what risky behaviour he’d been up to? 🤔

I’m so tired I watched tv today. Just watched tv. Tired isn’t right. Uh. I don’t know the word.

If you’re bored, Naked on Netflix is hysterical. It stars Marlon Wayans Ass, I watched Leah Remini Scientology Series. My god her makeup is Divine! The Scott Petersen documentary about him killing his wife, where I’m supposed to think he’s innocent.  Pfft.

Ugh, I’m starting to have these brief, sharp pains in my upper right ribcage, under my boob when I take a really deep breath. I had it this morning, I thought I could find a good position, I don’t know. I should probably just zone out until I can see a doctor, have people keep checking on me and wipe me down every once in a while.

I am having such a tough time eating, too. I had to miss dinner because of the nausea. I had oatmeal, a half lunch plate of nachos (lactose-free cheese and corn based tortilla chips) the rest at 3:30, and water plus unsweetened iced tea. I’m nervous about this pattern and how long this will sustain me. Losing another 15 lbs would be so cool, but it’s gotta stop somewhere. It’s really not normal to have this metabolism at my age.

Ok. Midnight. I’m going to turn into a pumpkin.

But hey, I did two blog posts! If you are interested in beauty, check out my beauty blog, Squidge’s Beauty Haul this post is on The Ordinary skincare line.