Upsetting News

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Ugh. My husband called the pain clinic to harass them about my not getting callbacks. When he listened to the Clinics outgoing message, he learned that my doctor, the head of the clinic, is away indefinitely.

I’m frightened.

Firstly, he did not look at all well at our last appointment. He is quite overweight, and looked pale and well, grey.

Secondly, he is not a young man. Going by his graduation dates, he is in his late seventies to early eighties. He has been pushing himself hard, working at least five days a week at the clinic, and travelling all over the world lecturing on pain management. I do hope he is able to recover.

The clinic has assured us it is still running, but, selfishly, I have my shots in two? Weeks. Nobody is as talented as he is. I’m going to get some hesitating ass. Nightmare.

Currently I have referrals out to:

  • Neurologist
  • Gastroenterologist
  • The hand and knee specialists retired so I’m waiting for the EDS clinic.

My heart test came back, it was ‘grossly normal’. Now the EDS clinic has everything they need, and the Manager said we should hear from her within a month, if not to contact her to find out what is going on. I don’t expect an actual appointment, but a date gives me hope. ❀

My good friend is moving an hour and a half out of the city. I dont get to see him much anyway, but he was offred a great spot in a retirement home and he can’t pass it up. We talked for an hour last night and damn it cheered me up!

It’s just so hard to get together with people when you feel lousy, and your kids take over the house, it’s not that big to begin with, and you can’t even serve tea. You don’t want to treat your family as staff, but you want friends to yourself, but as adults, do they come over and hang out in your bedroom? What the hell, sure! πŸ˜‚

I don’t like this change nonsense.

If you can pray for my doc, I’d appreciate it. I hope he just needs rest.

❀

Doubt, Pain and Uncertainty

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Yesterday went slightly better for me. Strange, because we started the day with the lower THC marijuana, so I had lower pain relief, and I was hurting slightly more. I wonder if I take better care of myself on these days? Something to think about. I made sure I took in proper nutrition, and had some crackers my husband had bought over the weekend with some cheese, and I felt less tired. Hey, now! If I can time this right, perhaps I can work around the nausea and try to have some better food and thus, better energy. I’m pretty good at timing my vitamins now. One thing at a time.

I had a chance to play with a new makeup collection – the Urban Decay x Basquiat Collection – and had a blast. I didn’t make too much of a mess. I was so pleased! I played with new lights, and was happily able to take care of some personal grooming such as shaving my legs, applying a face mask, and I was going to settle down to write a few words for this blog when… okay, I fell asleep. I thought it was just going to be a small two-hour nap, just until my husband came home. It was four o’clock, after all.

Eight o’clock and chicken tortillas in my face indicated this was not to be. I was in quite a lot of pain as well. My abdomen is really bothering me, as is my neck, although it’s eased some. I’m coping. I mean, derangedly, but I’m coping. I have huge acne sores. I’m stressed all to hell, but I’m coping. I just don’t know what else to do except put on makeup because it’s fun, take photos, because that was a lot of work, and the photos are fun, too. Distraction.

I’ve cut my Beauty Blog to three days per week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday now through the month of May. It’s heartbreaking, because it’s so much fun, but I had to give something up. Nobody would take my kids πŸ˜ƒ Likely because I didn’t offer them. My daughter is struggling a bit with her Autism and anxiety. Mama to the rescue! Poor kid. When Dad has Autism as well, it’s difficult because he wants to help, but he isn’t very adept at relating interpersonally. His approach is completely logical. Not necessarily what one needs in the moment. Fortunately he relates well to the hyper-logical boy.

Off to play for a bit!

Stay stripey, my Zebra loves! 😘

Thinking About Stuff

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I’ve been thinking of my post of yesterday, since I’m lying here with a bout of painsomnia, and while I wrote that while vaping, I think I need to make some amendments.

I didn’t mean to sound joyful that I have no friends, because I do have friends. I am just recognizing some old patterns of people beginning to move on. It is a relief in some ways right now, as I don’t have the spoons to deal with much of anything, however, I know I will be lonely in a couple of weeks when I’m feeling a bit better. What can you do, though.

The signs? The calls drop off, they start to pick fights with you over nothing. They have time for others but not you. They don’t leave you messages like they used to, they ignore your messages. They attack you on Facebook. It’s not pretty sometimes. If it gets really nasty, their friends join in, but that hasn’t happened to me, thank goodness.

I guess I’m happy that I don’t have to put out the energy at the moment. I just had my treatment, and I’m more exhausted than usual. I can’t even joke with my husband. It’s too much.

I need to cut back my existence, and I’m cutting it to where I want it. Talking about what I want to, eating what I want, being what I want. It’s a revelation. I don’t have the energy for more. I don’t expect this to continue forever, or past the weekend. But people ask how I feel and if I need things and listen. It’s shocking.

On the other side, there are lulls in every friendship. If this is one, so be it. Is my health setback teaching me my limitations? Where I need to draw the line?

I have asked several of my friends to read my blog. Some have refused, saying we can talk about these issues. Yet we never seem to. I’m sure some have and do read it. I appreciate everyone who takes a minute to read my words and take this journey with me. I can’t think of a higher compliment.

I’m feeling very confused right now. Please don’t confuse this with unhappiness. I feel like I am doing a lot of growing. Shedding a skin, gaining a new confidence. It’s so strange as I need to retreat further into shelter of bed and medicine I feel more confident, but I do. I feel more settled. It’s almost like I was scared to be alone, and I found out I’m okay! (That’s so strange but it’s 1:40 am)

I’ve been wondering if it’s just Canada that people don’t reach out assuming you’re bothering someone or prying. Except for one or two people I have to contact everyone, and I don’t have the energy even on a good run.

That’s not to say people won’t be welcomed back if their schedule lightens up. Providing I’m not an international supermodel by then. Β πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I have one friend who habitually reminds me I’m not her #1 friend, I get it.

Speaking of modeling and #1 friends… 😈 I put this photo up on Instagram the other day, no big.

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No big deal, it’s me wearing a Kate Sommerville anti acne mask. (Try to keep it together you know who you are! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) Well, Kate Sommerville PR, sees this and asks to use it. Which cracks my friend up no end. 😍😍😍 I’m glad I could bring her joy. All that makeup expertise, and I slap on a mask, the crowd goes wild.

I slept most of the afternoon again yesterday. It helped. I want to sleep now, but husband is snoring, it’s raining, and I’m aching. I dislocated my jaw again. My daughter brought me a cold hamburger from the fridge and I was so hungry I tried it. Dumb. I just had the damn shots, too. Idiot.

I’m still nauseated. So it kind of doesn’t matter, anyway. I had a Mars bar. I’m still under my calorie count.

What do you think they might do to my pubic bone to make it not hurt? Duct tape? Let’s start around my hips and get more intimate if we have to.

OK, Β it’s almost 2 am. I’d better try to sleep!

‘Night Zebras! 😘

Perverts

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Honestly, men must be wired differently, because after I tell them I’m in excruciating pain and can’t eat and can hardly move, even though I’ve only exchanged two, at the most, three messages with them, they are sure I am eager to masterbate with them, or at the very least watch them masterbate. I’m not stupid enough to turn on the Web cam just because you ask me to. I’m well aware they are going person to person until they hit a doofus. Β What’s frustrating is I do vet well, insist on over 200 common friends, and don’t usually accept men, anyway. Some still sneak through, though, and it’s very annoying.

I think I find it so insulting especially because I can’t even properly hold hands or snuggle with my wonderful, dedicated husband. These people know I’m married, I’m devoted, I say right away, it’s on my profile. It’s so disrespectful. This person I’m specifically referring to was actually being nice and I asked him a couple of questions, and I had teased him about not having to talk to me anymore because he needed to spend time looking for a wife. Why can’t people just be honest? He actually came back and continued the conversation. He had the perfect out. I guess he had to give it one more try. πŸ™„

To be fair, I have had one or two women creep on me, too. No, two.

Other than that, it’s been a quiet day. Had my bath. Organized my skincare. Woah, I have a lot. I need to mask up. Found some things I was looking for.

I’ve been doing a lot of sitting up lately, it makes sense I’ve been having muscle cramps in my stomach muscles. My hands are sore today, so I’ll keep this short. πŸ˜†

Treatments on Tuesday.

Hope you’re having a good day my Zebras! πŸ˜™

Worn Out – Part Two

I wanted to add some things to my earlier post. Some caveats, per se.

It’s certainly not everyone who contacts me on Facebook messenger or interacts with me that has been a problem or has been selling to me, let me be clear. I have made a number of new friends with people I have in common with others, and it’s been a lot of fun getting to know people. I’ve had several message me and want to chat, and I welcome that. Approximately 75% have been respectful. 5% have been perverts. 5% have been ‘you need to do this…’ types, and 15% are sales.

I do not mind being approached by people I have known for even a few months. They are generally nice, they converse, they continue to speak to me.

But when I’m added to a Facebook group about healthy weight loss through diet and exercise, or the best entertaining recipes..it’s like you don’t even know me. I’ve been added to seven Lula roe groups and I don’t think those things fit me. They are not pajamas or people clothes. Nix.

I suppose it’s just added to my long week that every second day someone was asking for something. Thursday, I think, some lady I had just recently friended was asking how many wraps or shakes I wanted. Since I’ve been subsisting on cookies and almonds this week, none, thanks! 😒😒😒 I had never spoken to her before, I didn’t answer and she hasn’t been back. What I think bothers me is there doesn’t seem to be any interest in pursuing any other relationship. I’m slightly put off by that. Of course, I’m deleting and blocking so they can’t re-add me, but, it’s so…defeating.

It’s not as many people as it feels like, it’s just been a few in a week. And when they disappear because I’m not a customer, before I get rid of them, I feel rejected. There have been a lot of friends who do check in and stick around and I do know this. I’ve been in the wrong place at the wrong time all week.

I often play into that goofy, ditzy, on-her-meds stereotype because it’s easier than calling people out on their bullshit.

I put a care package together for my Mom, and I was so excited, it took a lot to collect everything and mail it. It got to her, and I was so busy with the kids I didn’t get to call. Finally I did, and it was all complaints. The package had sat in the box for a week. The chocolate almonds I sent were stale. (I had some, I thought they were good) then she said she probably doesn’t like chocolate. Oh, hey! Have I heard from my sister? πŸ˜” I don’t expect everybody to be happy all of the time. But every single person this week seemed to be having a bad day. And I was so disappointed I had let her down. I had ripped apart the bedroom to find the kids’ school pictures, sourced a special wash cloth for her, and when my friend’s son was selling chocolate almonds, grabbed an extra two boxes and didn’t even eat them! I know, it had nothing to do with that. I know that in my head. She doesn’t have an easy life. And when I tried to do something good, I fail.

Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m okay to treat however because they assume I don’t have any real responsibilities.Β 

I’m so sorry I’m so cranky. My neck is really sore. My pain was down around a 5 all last week and now it’s at a 8.5. My knees are clicking, my elbows. I can’t get warm. Husband has the children all week, so I can hide from the world. I’ve been shopping. Ugh. I’m over my budget, and I’m finding things I ‘need’. The only thing I think I could do for extra money is cam girl. I know I have a limit to my earnings. I’d be surprised if I could drum up enough interest in…I don’t know what I’d do? Blog? Put on makeup live? Yay? Is there a Fetish…oh rule 34…let perverts watch me sleep? 😐 maybe I will cut down on shopping…. yes I think that is the better decision all around.

I am aching so much right now. I am going to start the breakthrough medication I’m prescribed tomorrow, I think. I will have to order my cannabis in the morning. On a whim, I decided to check to see if I could order, and I can. No email as promised. I am ticked. I was spoken to like I was asking to get my new teapot a day early, and was firmly told Monday, be patient and I would get an email, but here it is Sunday, no email, I’m too tired and on meds to do it right, and here it is. How long has it been there?

I have a headache that feels under my scalp, my neck hurts, I can’t warm up. My joints are so achy. My wrists and elbows. My jaw. My pubic bone my right abdominal side, any movement means I want to cry out. This week is about rejuvenation and healing and rest. And trying to eat more than cookies. And almonds. No other food wants to stay down. We order our pizza on Sundays, gluten-free, lactose free, and I enjoyed it. But i had to lie down for an hour. Everything I ate, every bite today, I needed to lie down. So, I will be having fun with that. Plus, online shopping to a minimum. Or none at all. Except for the Urban Decay launch on the 23rd.

I’m going to try to keep my voice from sounding simply snarky and give a reason for that anger, if that makes sense? Β I’m a bit reflective these days. In the morning when I’m up and medicated, it may help as well. I may have some time to relax and zen. ☺ It’s difficult to convey your true inner self when you’re in pain. Maslow’sΒ hierarchyΒ and all that.

I’m crying from pain and frustration, but going to try to sleep.

Goal for tomorrow is painting my toenails! πŸ˜„

Have a gorgeous moment today, Zebras. Just one. 😘

 

Happily Dragging my Behind

I have been so tired the past couple of days, but no rest for the giphywicked! I ended up sleeping most of Thursday afternoon. By the time I settled in, it was close to 1:00 and my husband woke me when he and the boy returned from physical therapy at 7:00. It felt so good! I had no trouble sleeping except I was excited for makeup the next day.

I’m finding this problem with sleeping pills. Either they are not strong enough, where they don’t help me sleep, then the next one up is good, but I need a nap the next day, and I can fall asleep on a dime. There is nothing in between.

My daughter wanted to watch some horror movies, but not really scary ones, just scary enough they were interesting, and not too scary she would have nightmares. So we watched one called #Horror, also known as Hashtag Horror or Slashtag about a group of 12 year old girls who bully each other and then start dying. It’s very strange. Stars Natasha Lyonne and Chloe Sevigny.

We then watched The Girls in the Photographs. This was not bad. Not great. Another weird one. Creepy. Kal Penn is a photographer, character is based on Terry Richardson. Yes I read IMDB! πŸ˜„

By that time, I’d had enough peopling, so I decided to do my wp-1489850277865.jpgnails for the first time in years! I found it surprisingly easy. Even though my hands were so very stiff. I had to move them into position for the photo! πŸ˜ƒ I love having painted nails. They give me a little thrill every time I look at them. It makes me smile. I have found a couple of brands that do not smell to odoriferous, so I stick to those, mostly. The more you keep them out of hot water, the better the polish stays, redo your top coat every second day or so, and basecoat are my tips to make your polish last. And don’t forget to lightly go over the end of the nail with your topcoat! It’s called ‘capping the end’ and it helps prevent wear.

I called my marijuana provider to find out when my paperwork was going to be finished so I can reorder. I’m supposed to order today, but my doctor appointment was just on Tuesday, paperwork isn’t done blah blah blah, still have shipping, blah, anyway, she said I’d get an email when it was finished.

Me: When will that be?

Rep: Soon.

Me: Are we talking hours or days?

Rep: By Monday.

Me: I need to order tomorrow.

Rep: Yeah, it’s all here, I’ll have it done by Monday.

Me: I’m going to run out!

Rep: Monday.

Lovely. I’ve never, ever been treated like that by CanniMed before. It makes me nervous when my new doctor says “vape when you need to” and my usually good distributor is shrugging. When my husband called to get receipts earlier this week they were great! I feel betrayed. I realize it isn’t that bad, but sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. I’m dependant on these drugs to be a human being with a life. There is also the shipping delay, and having to get these items to my house. They don’t teleport.

Today I got up early, at 8:00. I’m deep conditioning my hair, I’ve vaped, had breakfast, getting ready for my bath. My daughter wants to watch another movie this afternoon, but with the house quiet, she also wants time to herself. I’m not sure what will win out.

I’m so dehydrated my lips are cracking, so I need to focus on this. In fact, I feel really unfocused. I feel like I’m behind on reading blogs, answering email, I haven’t called my mom in ages. I generally feel like I’m running to catch up. I think having the monsters home at spring break has left me a bit peopled out for a bit. I’m used to more alone time.

I’m afraid now, every time someone contacts me on Facebook messenger, they are going to try to sell me something. πŸ˜”

Have a glorious day, Zebras!