Untitled.

I received an email this morning telling me that the reason my old pain management doctor was on leave was because he sexually assaulted three people and the College is calling for more stories. The clinic is being shut down. They didn’t hide their glee. They couldn’ t wait to lay their story on the College!

Look, I’ve heard the rumours. I’m horrified.  I’m disgusted. I don’ t know if there are any people out there who aren’t monsters. Yes, people. Women have been just as disgusting to me as men. Which is why I’m sitting here alone.

I really don’t understand why you have to clobber me repeatedly with the facts. I said I wasn’t sure what was happening, because I heard your version, everybody has heard your version, but the facts are playing out differently.

I am having appointment after appointment booked with… the new Head of the Wasser Pain Clinic? Dr. Peng! We go way back! He’s amazing! Very different from Dr. Gordon! Will this be permanent? Nobody knows yet.

What you don’t seem to understand, is that Dr. Gordon was always cordial to me. Was that because my husband was there? I don’t know. But he was the first person to listen to me. So I can’t throw him under the bus for a game of telephone. The first person to say he assaulted me, absolutely. I don’ t think he’s not capable of it. I just don’t lose my mind over non-verified conjecture. We are talking about a fifteen year relationship, here.

Anyway, moving forward, if anyone could show anyone else some compassion for losing their long term doctor, not being able to access care, that would be great. I sat here for three months not being able to sit up for more than fifteen minutes most days because my pain was so bad, and I couldn’t arrange to see anyone as he went on leave right before my appointment. If I sat up too long, I’d start puking.

I think if Dr. Peng is truly taking over, things will look completely different at Wasser, it will be like a breath of fresh air. The man is a genius! He is very strict, though. Doesn’ t like fatties. He treated me so differently this time around when I was skinny. 🙄 my only complaint.

I’m going to go process this some more. (Cry) I really only have to muddle through until April, when my appointment with the EDS clinic happens. I’m expecting big miracles from them!

 

 

If it’s Good Enough For Drake…

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I had to hobble to my Cannabis doctor yesterday. My husband came with me, naturally, because I don’t get around so well, but this was a nightmare.

At this point, I can walk maybe 50 feet comfortably, without struggling. My knees pop out like nobody’s business, and I’m having a hell of a time right now. I’m not certain what to do. We’re debating buying the damn wheelchair, as it’s not like I’m going to suddenly be able to walk long distances. However, should I be investing in a walker, as I’m hoping the EDS clinic can come up with some sort of bracing or physio to help strengthen things.

We caught a cab to my doctor, which is at one of the busiest intersections in the city, and if you know anything about Toronto,  that old joke about the city having two seasons: winter and construction is not far off. The cab couldn’t drop us off in front of the building, because the front was walled off for construction! We had to drive two blocks to get to the end of the wall. Guess who had to walk two blocks to her doctor? Yes! Me!

Of course, my knee subluxed, and I was hitch-sobbing in the elevator, limping into the office, crying most of the way through the appointment. The doctor didn’t seem to mind. He has a reputation for being a real jerk, but by the comments, it seems maybe he doesn’t like fakers. The appointment went well, considering, and I even learned I have been vaping wrong for the past 5 years.

My original doc gave me a prescription and told me to ask my friends for help. It’s so absurd, he kept treating me like a drug-seeker, but I so was not. Of all people! I’ve learned so much from my last two appointments with new doctors!

After the appointment, we usually walk out to the taxi stand, but that was gone, so I found a place to sit, while this guy followed my husband around telling him the lead singer of the Verve died, and since he looks like him, he can have a new job! Ugh. My head is killing me, my knee is killing me, I feel like I’m going to hurl… please let me go home.

So husband is trying to find a cab, but the curb lanes are blocked and no one will pull in, so he walks the half block to the line and promises to pay the fine if the guy gets caught. It works, and the cab has a.c.!

I have to get used to the idea of a wheelchair.

I haven’t even considered if I can handle something motorized or not.

Slightly Brighter Day Dawns

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You know how it is when you make a big deal about something, it always resolves itself immediately.  I woke up this morning feeling not quite so desperate. It’s an awfully good way to feel. The pain is still very much there, and my back is screaming at me even as I’m lying here, but I don’t feel quite as nauseated, and I haven’t even vaped yet this morning as the kids have just got off to school (I like to wait until they are out of the house if they are going). I feel that may take care of things, but I do have my breakthrough if not.

After I get my meds in, I expect to be somewhat comfortable as long as I don’t move too much. Stay loose, just maybe I can slip in the tub later if I’m good? Maybe?

I will be lying very still and calmly today. Trying to get some good rest in. I don’t want to exacerbate things again. Not to that level.

If the pain doesn’t subside enough we are aiming for an emergency room visit if we have to on Monday. I’m Canadian, so we had our holiday last week. The kids would be in school, less chance of upset. Husband wants to be with me, he’s expressed this, there is a major crisis at work, so this would be optimal. I have time to see if it resolves, and time to rest. Naturally, if it becomes too unbearable, we go, but even though my kids are aged appropriately, I am not certain leaving them alone is possible, and bringing them is also problematic. So my husband would have to drop me off, and that isn’t ideal, either. I’ve had some poor treatment in hospital, including the doctor who told me that I was “just constipated”. I grabbed his notes and threw them down the hall I was so insulted. I hope I’ve matured beyond this.

Time for rest. And vape! 😎

I’m expecting comfort. Not miracles!

I’m Sick

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I guess I’m sick, I think. It’s tough to tell anymore. Last night the nausea got so intense I couldn’t even take my medication.  I just swallowed some Gravol and eventually went to sleep. I only refunded a little bit. I’ve been sitting around watching lame TV, as I can’t be arsed to find something great. Actually, Family Guy and John Tucker Must Die isn’t bad. I watched it yesterday.

I just popped two more Gravol, as my husband came to check on me, he hand fed me. How pathetic am I? Today is even chocolate chip pancakes day.

My neck and back are incredibly sore. I want to vape, but I’m too nauseated, I feel if I move an inch, I will be in big trouble. We keep an old cooking pot as a barf bucket, so it doesn’t matter if I can’t move fast. But I hate it. I should be used to it. Not only am I a puker in general, I have a past rife with bulimia.

I’ve been shopping. I’m bored and hungry and feeling sorry for myself. I just bought some Unicorn Snot! 😄 it’s glitter gel for face, body and hair, but also a lip gloss formula. I’m excited. That will be fun to play with. I bought some loose pigment and mixing medium from MAC, I don’t shop there much, and an eyeliner from Sephora.  I purchased a couple of cute boxes from Amazon, too. I have great toys to play with, now I just need the energy to play.

My husband has been on the phone most of the weekend in meetings. He’s working so hard.

I am scared because my nausea has been fluctuating with my neck and head pain. I had a weird experience this morning where I was asleep, I think, but I experienced these bright flashes of light, excruciating pain and a sound like an explosion, and then the pain would subside. It happened twice, maybe three times? And I either fell asleep or into a deeper sleep. It was horrible. But was it a dream?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think the hospital is the right place. I don’t think they can take the time to figure this out. Although the can ensure its not an urgent issue, I suppose. My GP would send me somewhere, and ask me for suggestions, so he’s really not much good. My pain doctor I’m seeing in a month, so I just need to hang on. The Clinic is supposed to be on the radar, but I haven’t heard from them. My options I’m considering are calling Tele health and asking for advice, although they usually send you to hospital.  Then, I could call my pain doctor or the evil social worker and ask for advice. I could at least have assurance I’ve been referred.

I should have a bath, although I just don’t feel like it. I can’t now.

Be well, Zebras! 😷

So.Many.Needles.

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My Botox needles, ready to go, taken a couple of years ago.

One of the things I do to help manage my pain is get Botox injections every ten weeks. Just like for migraines, which I am also treated for with Botox, at the same time.

So this morning I had to drag my ass out of bed. I was not amused. 😁 I was really sore! I wanted to have a quick wash. In fact, I’d wanted a bath last night, but that just was not happening. I was too sore. I tried to move today, and my back spasmed, so I asked my son for a warm cloth to wash up with so at least I won’t be smelly, and I get the third degree! Why? Does it have to be warm? Why? Ugh! He’s 12, it’s not like he’s a baby.

After I convinced him of what I needed and managed to dress, I was able to hobble downstairs. Must have been so funny to see! Me hanging on to husband and kicking my feet out trying to loosen my knees up.

We got to the hospital and our appointment, and there is a nurse? Social services worker? I don’t know who she is, but ugh. She’s not kind. She calls you to your appointment, then disappears from sight. She doesn’t even sort of wait for you. Then she waves you to the treatment room. Hm. Onward.

The doctor comes in with two new doctors who are taking extensive extra training in Pain Management. We talk about how fascinating I am to have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, diagnosed late, even though he had been seeing me ten years. Hm. Hm. Botox injections are tricky things, only work occasionally, hm.

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The aftermath of needles in the forehead

Hm. Lucky me. And I am very lucky.

Then we start sticking needles in my head. As you can see from the photo, he didn’t clean me up before sending me home.

After the front, we move to the back, and he injects some near my jaw, I think,  but truly I just spaced out for a while.

I know we then did some near my neck and shoulder,  being careful around my throat so I don’t stop breathing. I hear that can be bad. We continued to my lower back focusing on the lower spine area, and the top of the buttocks.

At this point I have to roll over. Never an easy task in a gown on a narrow slab of table. Now imagine you want to preserve some dignity.

Here is also where my doctor starts to show off. He says to PMDIW (Pain Management Doctors in Waiting) “she has an entrapped nerve and is very sensitive!” As he touches my pelvis, the right lower quadrant, and I scream. The PMDIW look horrified and blanche under their South Asian complexions. They look like they want to bolt. I don’t blame them. Doctor moves on. He terrorizes my pubic bone. My face contorts in a silent scream. Husband grabs my hand. The doctor injects me as I sob. I tell him to keep going. Husband asks if I want a break, but I don’t. It will just be longer, then. The doctor starts on my right inner thigh. He pushes a bit. I wince. He moves over. I scream. I quickly slam my hand over my mouth, conscious of where I am,  but it hurts so damn much. I’m just sobbing now as he finishes the left leg, worn out from the pain, spacey, tired.

The doctors all leave. Husband helps me get dressed. That not a nurse or a social worker comes in and asks if I’m okay but is gone before I can answer. I can tell she didn’t care anyway. I’m known as the screamer. They tease me that I’m bad for business.

One of the PMDIW wants an appointment with me next week to talk about how sensitive I am in areas. It doesn’t seem normal not to be able to touch someone in an area, like my inner thigh or my abdomen. So maybe we can do something? I can hope!

So, I’m sitting here semi-bingeing on sweets, while my dear husband naps beside me. It’s bliss! 😍