Mercury in Retrograde

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Mercury is supposed to be in retrograde the last two weeks of August, which is why I’ve had this horrible feeling of dread. Or so I’m telling myself.

I was so restless last night, I just could not settle. I was tossing and turning. I had to strip off my nightclothes, as they were getting all twisted up. I tried to make myself a nice pillow fort, but it didn’t work. Mostly, I kept swallowing air and having to sit up and clear it. Very uncomfortable. Not so ladylike, either.

I did fall asleep around 2:00 PM, though, and sleep until 9:00 PM. I usually have no trouble going back to sleep. I’ve been just exhausted, especially after getting outside to see the eclipse! (I will post about that soon!) .  At one point in our history, people used to go to bed around 7:00 PM, sleep until 11, be awake from 11 until 1 and then sleep from 1 to 5 or 6. I could live like that quite happily.

I don’t know if you believe in numerology, I tend not to, but this year my age is divisible by 7, and those do tend to be big years where I re-invent myself. I feel different this year. I have a new outlook. 😊

I bought yet another elbow brace. Size XXL.  Now, I’m not that big anymore, why do I need an XXL? Otherwise I’m ripping them off in agony in the middle of the night, only after a few hours. This one lasted seven. I do feel better, but woah, it’s sore. My hands are sore, too. I’ve been trying to rest them, but you really need your hands! XXL is pretty tough to find. I’m actually using sleeves, not braces. I will save braces until I’m fitted by pros.

Yesterday was supposed to be my BOTOX injections.  I haven’t heard anything from the clinic, but I’m doing amazingly well, considering. I’m not having that much head pain at the moment, but it does ramp up quickly as the day goes on. I’m having a ton of abdominal cramps. I am wondering if my cpap is contributing to my swallowed air. I need another sleep test. I’m to have them for every 20 lbs I gain or lose and I’ve lost 115 lbs without any follow up. It’s straight up due to my mobility. And, the pain therein.

And of course, just the stress. I feel stressed. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s the start of school again. I worry about my kids. My boy didn’t have a great year last year. Grade 7 sucks, though. I need to focus on being relaxed today. My breathing. Relaxing. Perhaps some organization if I can. I love that.

My corner of the bedroom is bringing me joy. I am organizing things so they are easily found and accessible. I have a bunch of trinkets and items to make me happy. Netflix on the television, my makeup organized and close by. Masks and makeup products. Some cool magnifying and fisheye lenses, a zebra striped cuddle blanket. Enough braces to brace an army. Iced tea and lip gloss.

Life is good.

💜

Oh, Great! *Eyeroll*

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Fantastic development. Along with the neck pain, back pain and dizziness, in there with the nausea and headache, forgetfulness and general discomfort. Alongside the inability to sleep properly and horrible concentration, it seems I’ve caught the cold the kids were passing back and forth.

Fortunately, it’s not too bad, and the CPAP machine I use tends to cut down on the amount of mucous in my nose, so I have fewer breathing issues. I just have a vague sore throat and have this mantle of exhaustion that is unusual. I’m used to being tired, but I’m achy and uncomfortable, I can’t settle. I think that tipped me off that something was off. Also, my nose is booger heaven – ugh.

Lack of quality sleep is not helping my concentration or cognition. I will be watching a show, it will cut to commercial, and I will completely forget what I was watching. I’m having trouble communicating verbally, still, most of all, and paper is only marginally better. (I could be writing my name over and over thinking I’m being brilliant right now!). There is one Simpsons commercial that comes on, and I get so excited, thinking I’m watching the Simpsons. I feel like such an idiot when the commercial ends.

My Mom seems to think my family has terrible luck and absolutely everything happens to us. I admit, it does sound shocking to listen to someone with chronic pain describe flare-ups. I had been silent for years, but I think people ought to know what my life is like. Not in a complaining way, but in a this-is-how-people-live way. People have chronic pain. This is my life. My kids have had quite a few illnesses this year, yet this is my first cold, I think, since being ill at Christmas, with the rest of the world, and it’s mild. My husband has glaucoma issues, cataracts, and arthritis. Both run in his family. My kids have Autism. Sounds like a lot of families I know. Maybe these families aren’t so open, I don’t know.

I should get that nap.

Stay stripey my Zebras! 😘

Space Toilets

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I was reminded of a story about my son, who is almost 13. He has Aspergers, and suffers from anxiety. He had heard about debris being let go from planes and it landing on people and animals, sometimes hurting or killing them. We talked about this, and he understood the waste from planes rarely hits anyone in Canada, because of our sparse population, and even though he knew it was wrong, his brain had made it so he was afraid toilets would fall from the sky. He laughed with us at the ridiculousness of this, but was still afraid to go outside for a week. Isn’t it funny how our brain works sometimes? I miss this kid.

I made sure I took my full complement of meds today, with vaping, and I had so much pain, still. I even took my breakthrough meds, and nothing. I got a lot of odds and ends done this morning, and this afternoon, I played with makeup. I tried a new palette and took some photos. It was fine, but you could see the pain in my face. I had fun, though.

I spent some time photographing my collections. That was distracting. My sleep specialist doctor called. She wanted to rebook my appointment. This is the doctor that monitors my CPAP machine. I was supposed to see her today, but couldn’t get there on my own. So we rebooted for the 6th of March. The office calls back 5 hours later to book an appointment with my husband for the results of his sleep study. I then introduce myself and we find a day we can do the appointments back to back, and settle for March 13. My husband is quite slim, but snores, and occasionally stops breathing while he sleeps. It’s like he holds his breath. Not a fan. I was supposed to let the doctor know every time I gained or lost 20 lbs. Oopsie. I have about 80 missing. I suspect another test in my future.

Another first last night. I was shopping on Sephora, and bought a gorgeous lip gloss, I requested notification of restock on two other colours. Those colours came into stock around 11:30 and I remember looking at the email… but I guess I must have purchased them, because they are on their way! 😃

It’s been rough trying to communicate lately, I’ve been just falling down exhausted. I’m just floored by the number of people who have no issue with mocking what I’m saying or how I’ve said something. I’m not always the most elegant speaker, but goddamnit, I am so anxious about it, why do I get kicked when I finally try?

I was once a part of this group, it was a very important group to me. It was online. I had tons of friends, I had thought. I was trying to explain about my pain and what it was like to be on those horrible oxycodone pills, that you had to take every four hours, but would wear out at hour three, so you were in screaming pain for an hour. I had mentioned my prescription kept increasing, and some ‘person’ decided I was a drug addicted drug abuser who was abusing my children. Went off the rails, I was not well enough nor grounded enough to defend myself, and poof. Life gone. No more friendships. I was compared to Rush Limbaugh. For the record, I absolutely took my medication as prescribed. I am notorious for under-medicating, actually, which is terrible. I should be absolutely consistent and on time, but it’s hard to remember, or I will do it in a minute!

I don’t know why I’m so introspective today. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I’ve been struck by the amount of ableist initiatives our government is putting forth, and I’m almost in the mood to start making a stink about one or two.

Almost.

Maybe it’s been one too many times of explaining why I am this way, or why I can’t… or why I can’t do something. I feel a lot of loss lately.

I’m going to troll around and do some reading, edit some of my photos.

Stay warm, my zebra friends! 😘