Good News! I’m alive!

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Well, I suppose that depends on your perspective, but I’m happy I’m starting to feel human again. 🤣 I believe sleeping so much yesterday helped a lot. Usually sleeping so much doesn’t do much to tackle the exhaustion. Things are different when we are dealing with the flu.

It’s funny to me it takes so long to figure out when I have a flu bug or something. I get to feeling worse and worse, and my brain gets less able to figure out what is going on. Being nauseated and tired all the time is nothing new. Dizziness is standard. Flare-up happen. Headaches are constant. At least now I feel like I have one flu instead of two. And why do I get sores on my tongue every time I get sick now? Do not like. (When my daughter was a baby she used to say “Do not like it -push” 😂 she’s so funny).

Two weeks to neurologist appointment. I’m hanging in there. I’m hanging a lot on this. I know this is very dangerous, but it’s all I’ve got.

I am going to shop for some supplies. I am going to look for some aromatherapy supplies. I still have horrific menstrual cramps. Year’s ago a combination of bergamot and ylang ylang in oil massaged on my abdomen used to help. If you try this, it is not safe for pregnant women, because it can cause uterine cramping. I want to find some support pillows, and something to help me apply lotion when my husband and chief lotion-spreader isnt around.  Or is sleeping. 😊

I have new boxes to get organized, so I’m going to do just a tiny bit of that while I have the spoons and need to lie down again. Ten minutes?  I love making my nest cozy. Then I’m going to watch episode 2 of AHS:Cult. I’m so afraid of clowns! 🤡 Even before it was trendy! Maybe this week I can catch up on OITNB and Kimmy Schmidt, too. I’m even thinking of picking up a book. I feel centred enough to try.

I hope you’re doing well!

💜

PS, I felt like a real Zebra the other day! I was doing something where I put my arms out or something, and my son freaked out and asked if I was turning my arm upside down because it looked freaky. My arms are pretty normal, as Zebra arms go, but it made me laugh. 😄

Painsomnia, Regrets.

I shared an article with my husband about one of the Teen Mom’s from MTV getting ‘butt and vaginoplasty’ procedures on-camera, grinning away. And he’s been making hilarious jokes all night. No body shaming, mostly about him going along to get his butt tightened when he’s not being relaxed about things.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/teen-mom-farrah-abraham-blasted-posting-private-photos-instagram-do-you-have-no-shame-1633533

This was the story, if you want to read it. I hope they aren’t tightening her uterus. Just, no.

 

I’m feeling sort of low. I’m reminded of so many of the accomplishments of my friends, and I had to cut so many things short. I was reminded the other day of a friend I’d had for 15 years, and was insanely jealous. I had no clue about this. That is the part I feel terrible about. I suppose I don’t spend time with people I don’t like, and if I do, I don’t blame them. But she envied, I’ve been told, my marriage, my babies, and my job with a bank. Oh, and house with another person’s income it was easier. I envied her ability to work and do something besides sleep. Her relationship with her parents, her baking skills, her bilingualism. I didn’t get to say those things because I felt it was weird to be nice sometimes. She would accuse me of buttering her up to ask her a favour.

I regret that I couldn’t finish university. I don’t know how I could have made this work. My dad was pretty mentally ill when I turned 18, and he wanted me out of the house. He wanted me out forever so he could have my mom to himself, but that’s his thing. So when I turned 18, I was out. I had no where to go. I ended up staying with my boyfriend, who was 10 years older. He was living in a different province. He was then transferred to a third province. I tried to enroll in school and apply for a loan, and was rejected. Apparently, my parents made too much money, and should be funding my education. So, I’m screwed, unless I’m married or 25. Whelp, there hadn’t been too much interest so far, my parents had convinced me I’d be lucky to get married at all. And this guy was willing, we got married in Vegas in November of 1989. Same Day as Bruce and Demi.

There are some people out there who absolutely loathe me for this. One even called me out in the middle of my 25 year high school reunion. Where were they, though, when I had no other place to stay? When I could have used maybe a decent boyfriend? Nah, I was too ugly. Nobody has actually come forward and told me why they are upset or hurt. I’m actually completely bewildered. I have not come up with any sort of explanation for this. I wasn’t even that close to these people. People are always looking for an excuse to hate you. It’s like a rubics cube.

Yes, my first marriage was brutal is a lot of ways, but I did learn a lot, also. Whatever the case, it led me to my current husband. The place I am meant to be. Sometimes you need to go through hell to get to heaven.

I hear other rumors, though. I hear whispers about my “perfect family” and “privilege” that got me a house in downtown Toronto.

Hey, there. I hear your whispers. I see your glances.

I have some privilege. But don’t you dare forget I worked three jobs for seven years, two of those years while going to school, when I did dip down to two. I have been working since the age of 12, securing them and transporting myself.

I have endured five laparoscopic surgeries while working, most of them taking less than three days off for recovery, instead using weekends to recover. All while in increasing pain, exhaustion, being told I was fat, work out more, eat less, and get over it.

Divorced the first guy, married the second, kids were supposed to fix the endometriosis. Had 2. Got sicker. Finally had to concede working.  Sister in law asks while pregnant with #2 “Why would you have another baby if you can’t look after the one you have?” Because we put my daughter in daycare after I tried to go back to work and failed. Nice. My husband is an incompetent child rearer? Thanks. On LTD.

We desperately wanted a third child, but decided we could not afford financially nor emotionally to support one.

My children, both with Autism, act well in public, but are becoming troublesome in private. School refusal has been a problem with the boy, and I don’t know how next year will be.

So if anyone wants to trade lives with me remember, I envy those who:

  • Can get up and go for a walk
  • Can eat some food, whatever they like without stomach cramps
  • Can get up and go somewhere
  • Can stay awake for more than 3 hours
  • anytime but midnight
  • Don’t hurt all the time
  • Can have some fun
  • Can go dancing
  • let’s go shopping!

 

I’m really okay, my husband is the best. He is so sweet to me. I wouldn’t travel this journey without him.

I suppose someone else (me) being content is really tough for people to figure out. True no drama.

 

Right now I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep.

  • Gastroparesis means my bowels are full and rumbly. They’ll be like this and cramps for a while
  • My neck is screaming in pain
  • I have something across the back of my head that hurts. Long ago head injury?
  • I may have a cyst on my ovary, occasional cramping
  • My back hurts
  • jaw pain from head troubles

Actually, not a bad evening. Going to try to sleep.

 

Not Having Fun!

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Well this is a fine kettle of wax. Or ball of fish. My treatment appointment is actually on the 13th of June. I’m not pleased. My head is hurting again, as is my back. And it started about a week early, too. I kept saying I think it’s next week or the week after. I vaguely remembered it was after my boys birthday, which is on the 11th, and I was mildly upset I wouldn’t be feeling well on his birthday.

However, I see the same doctor on the 8th for a consultation. Perhaps it’s better I’m unmedicated by Botox. That way he can see what is really going on.  I will need to discuss with husband my goals and wishes for the appointment, because he will need to summarize and translate, likely. I’m in bad shape. If I spend any time not on my side – ie in any other position, I get a headache and nausea and back spasms. The headache isn’t bad, but the jaw pain is. I’m a grinder of teeth. I do wear a mouth guard when I sleep, but it needs replacing. I just have not been well enough.

It feels like there is a point at the back of my head, and when I’m lying on it, it’s wearing down or bruised? It hurts, but it’s the only way other parts are comfortable. I will roll over and nap soon. My husband thinks I should sleep all day. I haven’t been sleeping at night. I’ve been having good naps from 4:00 to 8:00.

When my neck gets all stiff and sore, and my head hurts and my skull hurts, my cognition gets totally screwed. I honestly giphycan’t reason, it’s such a bizarre feeling. On top of that, I can barely remember the words for most things. Yet, I lie down for a while, it has to be on my side and things get much better. If it’s raining, though, things are almost intolerable. The pain is always bad. Turning my head too quickly is a nightmare. The symptoms get worse the longer I am not on my side, too. I can feel the pain ramping, so I will be going to have that nap now.

My son’s birthday is coming up and I need to prep for my doctor appointment, so if I don’t touch base or check in, I’m rationing my time as much as I can. Know I’m thinking of you, I will be in touch when I can.

I was going to type something and it’s gone from my head. I hate this feeling. It’s not me at all. My husband said ‘it happens to lots of people!’ Not to me!

Oh yeah! It’s funny, my pain always seems to ramp up towards Friday. My Mom said I used to do this as a child, too – I would wait until the weekend to get sick. Hmmm…

Be well Zebra pals! 😘

New Attitude

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I’m not gonna lie, the death of Chris Cornell has hit me hard. Aside from the usual fangirling, the man was only 5 years older than I am.  His voice is just something that moves me like nothing else. I’ve been randomly bursting into tears. But it really has brought about some changes and reflection.

Honestly, everyone, absolutely everyone has baggage we can’t

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Chris Cornell 

see. So why is this world becoming so very hostile? I truly don’t understand, but I am not about to be trampled any longer.

All my life I’ve tried so hard to be wonderful, to be accepted. To have friends. To be loved and nice and well thought of. What has it gotten me? Some truly outrageous behaviour by some people. 

  • A person I went to  high school with lectured me in front of a group of people at my 20 year reunion about what a stupid mistake it had been to marry my ex-husband.
  • My mother in law tried to convince my husband to take our two kids and leave me because I was sick. She was convinced he could find someone ‘well’ to look after him, because that’s what he deserves.
  • She also refused to have my name put on the car insurance for the car they essentially gave us because she didn’t want me driving it for ‘fun’. I wanted to be able to take the kids to hospital if need be. Husband threatened to return the car. I never drove it anyway. I’ve given up driving because of my medication.
  • My ex husband offered his business associates the opportunity to have sex with me in lieu of the money he owed them. I found this out years later. I was not complicit.
  • I chose a certain woman to be matron of honour at my wedding, she told me many years on another woman was so bitter about not being chosen she complained the whole time. Why did I have to know? I was friends with the complainer for another ten years before we had an ugly breakup where she accidently sent me an email saying ugly things about me.

So, my point is, if I’m getting this treatment after trying my hardest, why am I trying so hard? This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. I don’t know why I inspire such hatred sometimes. Such loathing. My good friend’s husband still hates me 20 years after I had to drop out of their wedding. I don’t think he gets that my then husband took every dime I was making and was alienating my relatives. I couldn’t go to them. I still cry at night over that.  Why do people seem to think I’m unaware of the stupid things I’ve done? Or maybe there was good reason?

I’m sliding into a mode where I can only do for me now. I wake up. I coffee up. Med up. Breakfast. Vape. Get some makeup. Why do I makeup? Internet likes? No. But it’s fun to show my work. I like to zen out. I can relax. Be creative. And I can touch a part of myself that doesn’t hurt. My face. It takes two sometimes three hours to get my face on and photographed. Not because I’m slow, but because I need to rest so much. I lie down and get my pressure regulated or rest my hands. Then I nap. Dinner, visit with husband, bed. Meds in there, interspersed. My kids visit. They’re pretty independent. They need me, though. Don’t get me wrong.

Frankly, the way I’m feeling, I could really sleep all day. Every day. But really, that’s no fun at all.

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EDS Awareness Look

My head and neck are still bothering me, and are really ramping up, in fact. Yesterday was bad. I did a makeup look for EDS awareness month, and I was so tired after. I wanted to post to the blog, but I was going to have a quick nap. Four hours. Probably best that I didn’t. It would have been angry.

I have been wracking my mind. If your relationships are all crap, you should really look at the common denominator. That’s me. I need to change something. Everyone can’t be a jerk, right?

I do have some very loyal friends, however. Don’t think my life is bleak and terrible. Oddly enough, they almost all seem to be nurses or have chronic illnesses themselves. I am constantly amazed at my husband.

I often wonder: do I not share enough? Am I not upfront enough? Am I too retiring? Am I too pushy?

But you know what? I can’t anymore. I just need to live. I will continue to be kind, as always. Respectful, of course. But I can’t work so hard anymore. I need to focus on myself. I need to focus on me. I’m project #1 right now. Family is second. I used to worry there would be nobody to attend my funeral. I can’t anymore. I can’t worry about my afterlife when I’m not even living this one. Such as it is. It’s mine.

I need to build it.

Have a great day, fellow Zebras! 😘

Unnngh

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I’m so stressed. Yet it’s mostly self inflicted. I mean, I think the pressure is self inflicted.  Ì ended up sleeping a lot again today. I couldn’t stay awake, and my back and abdomen were just screaming in pain. I must have overdid it yesterday. It’s so irritating that I put on makeup for 20 minutes and it caused me to have to sleep for the day. I’m at a loss as to how to cope because there is just no help available until my doctor appointments unless I go to the hospital. Honestly, what can they do for me? I mean, besides berate me for wasting taxpayers money. Never mind the people going in for sore throats because their doctors office is closed.

My husband is working hours and hours, I haven’t seen him in days. I miss him. I also have to have an uncomfortable conversation with a person because they are doing things that are crossing boundaries and I’m not happy. I’m too exhausted to deal with this. I just want everybody to leave me alone, except the people I don’t want to leave me alone. 😁 yeah, it’s just as bad in here.

I don’t want to sleep my life away.

Hope you’re having a great evening, Zebras! 😘

 

Drowning in Exhaustion

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My migraine finally broke last night, but it’s been flirting around the edges of my brain, threatening to return with one wrong move.

Every day I start out happy and full of promise. With pain, of course, but I have plans for things to do, and stuff I want to accomplish! Soon, though, I’m worn out and wondering how much I can still push through. Trouble is, when I’m trying to take photos of the makeup I’ve accomplished, you can see the pain in my face if I push it too much. I suppose it’s a way of keeping me from too much.

I finally had a full bath today, instead of a sponge bath. It’s been tough to get in there, I’m so cold all the time. I feel better now. It took me ten minutes just to get warm. My lovely daughter babysat. I need help running the bath, and I like someone to stay on the second floor with me, so when I get out, in case I slip they can help. I’ve got such great kids. They don’t complain much.

My husband has been so exhausted lately. I miss him. I could barely speak when he came to bed last night. There are so many things I want to do with him (that too) but I’d like to start with a hug, or putting my head on his chest. I can’t get close enough to him yet. I’m too sore. He’s too stressed. The other day my daughter noticed a pair of my underwear that must have fallen when my husband went to put laundry away. It was kind of near the bed, not really obvious. She handed them to me, to which I cheekily replied, “oh, there those are! Wild night last night!” She’s 15, our bedroom doesn’t have a door and is right next to her bedroom. She gave me the ‘yeah, right’ face. 😂

Okay, trying to catch up with everyone. I’m thinking of you!

Have a wonderful evening, Zebras! 😘

 

 

The Fog Lifts

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I have no idea what this gif is about, but I thought it was adorable.

I woke up this morning to more energy. I had to be careful to not go overboard and try to do everything, but I did get an impressive amount done, including a look for tomorrow’s Instagram, a Facebook live, which I’ve never done before, that was fun, and some organization stuff I wanted to do. I chatted on Facebook for a bit, nice to talk to people. I’m feeling more comfortable, not as picked at, I must be feeling better.

I called my Mom, to tell her about a nail polish I’d found by Smith and Cult called Birdie Num Num. If you’ve seen the movie The Party starring Peter Sellers, you’ll get the reference. I laughed so hard! I love that movie! It’s a family favorite, a good memory, as my Dad was well-ish at the time. He could at least laugh. It was before depression really took his personality.  I’ve so overspent this month Mom offered to buy it for me! So sweet! The brand doesn’t ship here, it’s tough to get, but I found it, so…yay!

I did some ambien shopping last night. I get dozy and shop and don’t remember in the morning. It does come back to me. My husband was complicit, I remember him helping. I bought a bunch of cheap eyelashes to test the quality. They should be fun to play with. I spent about $35. Then there was early in the day when I overspent at Beautylish. I was trying to buy the Jeffree Star Manny/ MUA collaboration, but I wasn’t sure what the total would be, and I had to be over $100 for expedited shipping. However, my son had a crisis as I was trying to put everything into my cart, and I forgot to take extra things out, so I bought more than I planned. We will survive, I just can’t get away with this excuse every month. 😃

Other than that, it’s been a good day. I took my migraines medicine finally. I think that was smart. I am having incredible neck pain, and I think it may have something to do with the bralettes I’ve been wearing this week. I had husband pick up a couple of sports bras, they are slightly big so they don’t irritate my stomach, but my neck aches. I’m very large busted. My breasts have been sore, so I want them controlled, but anything I wear hurts my neck. I’m at a loss. Ace bandage? 😃 I will bring this forward at the EDS clinic.

I’m glad I don’t feel quite as bone-weary as I did yesterday. That’s an absolutely frightening feeling.

Have a great evening, Zebra loves! 😘