You Can’t Tell Me What To Do!

giphy

I really don’t get the chance to interact with many people. It’s a huge effort for me. But your husband and kids! People exclaim. I see my kids when they drop off food, they are teens! Introverts at that. My husband arrives home from work around 7:30 and must take care of homework and lunches and clean up, so he rolls into bed around 9:00. I have an hour or so, if I managed to stay awake.

So, when I get to speak with a new person it’s pretty exciting! Unfortunately, though, some people (though their heart is in the right place, I’m sure, wanting to help) start in with the “You know what you need to do…” and it’s very rarely helpful. Now, of course I am not dismissing carefully considered suggestions, I’m not unilateral in this! What I’m talking about are the questions that could be better phrased as why questions. The ‘You need to find a new doctor’ ‘you need a housekeeper’ ‘the waiting list for neurologists is six years’  these types of unhelpful comments.

It would also be nice to be asked how I’m feeling, but we might all be pretending everything is fine.

I’m still lying here in the semi-darkness, grumbling most of the time. I feel like my life is flying by. I’ve been lying here for a year. I’m gaining weight back because I can’t move. I am having huge gastro problems. I’m so tired today, I can barely move. I’m not sleeping properly, pain is waking me up. My joints are so weak and painful I can barely do anything. I am so angry at being ignored. How much more of my life am I going to spend lying here?  I can do NOTHING right now. Even watching television is a struggle as the light and noise can only last so long.

I did buy a cervical pillow from Wal-Mart, it’s very nice. It’ helping my neck pain. I lie on it at first, after being propped up a bit and my neck hurts so much, but the next day it feels good. Less pain than usual.

I feel like if I could have a good stretch I’d be better. Momentarily, anyway…

 

After the awful van attack in Toronto,  one of the victims’ spiritual leader said she had so many loyal and beloved friends because she was a good person.  *Well* it’s really good to know where I stand. 🤔 Perhaps I should stick to Christianity over Buddhism, as it lauds suffering. 😄(Emotionally self-inflicted counts 😜).

Ugh, just occurred to me, my throat kind of hurts – I get really angsty and grouchy when getting sick. (Started to get that way around age 35. Awful.) At least it doesn’t take weeks to get over anymore.

Time for more rest.

Things Aren’t Happy

giphy4

This gif reminds me there is no one missing from our family. Things aren’t quite so dire. There are always people who are more in need than we are. We should remember them, at this time, and at all times. Drop someone a note. It really will make their day.

However, on to my tale of woe! 🤣 The past few days I have been sleeping. Waking occaionally to vomit. Yesterday, I was well enough to watch tv with my daughter, and had to use the washroom. Oy! Pardon the grossness, but I pooped a Christmas tree! I was vomiting, thank goodness my husband was working from home, I had my daughter rescue him from a conference call – I honestly thought it was hospital time. Now, I used to have problems with constipation.  So bad that I would have to take an injection to reverse the opiods so I could go. I was going everyday this week! I didn’t eat, though, much. So strange. I feel horrible still. I am hoping things improve. It sounds like the flu, right? Nah, just more intense version of my everyday. I’m cold, hot and I can’t stop shaking.

As for Christmas gifts, we celebrate Christmas, I have been ordering things, but I don’t remember what I bought for who or what. I haven’t maxed out my card, so we seem to be okay, but the boxes that are arriving? There’s a lot! What have I done? What do I need to wrap? Oh God help me. Next week will be brutal.

I have managed to escape the in-laws Christmas dinner. My husband has finally gotten across I’m too ill. My MIL understands, apparently, because we share symptoms. No, it doesnt bother me she’s 85. 🙄 However, she used to scream at my husband for helping me in any way. It’s best if I sit it out. It’s an hour each way. I can’t do it. My mother asked me if I was coming for Christmas. Even after I explained. They live an hour and 20 away. I wish people got this, ya know. LISTEN!

I wish I could stop obsessing about where my friends have disappeared to. I realize it’s the holidays, and I don’t expect to hear from people now, but… yeah. It’s pretty lonely here. I wish I was much more of an introvert. I need to work on this. I bought some therapy journals, and I hope they provide some distraction.

I’m working on getting some doctors working on these issues. Well, my husband is. It is not going well. I was rejected by one doctor because I have not been diagnosed with Chrohn’s disease. So new GI, go through the waiting list. I’m burping almost constantly, even water is painful to drink, and I have a huge pain the size of my fist on the right side that hurts when food moves around that bend. I’ve had it checked out gynecologically six ways, so we are confident it’s a GI thing.

This weekend, I think we try to put up the tree. I hope the minions can get it done. My kids are stuggling pretty hard with school. But they deserve privacy.

My husband actually showed them my Christmas tree poop yesterday! Part biology lesson, part ‘yes Mommy really is sick, this is evidence’ not that they doubted, but he’s so matter of fact, he just carries on! 😆 They are 15 and 13, so it wasn’t torture and they could have told him to take a flying leap. I wondered about it, but seriously, what if they were home alone with me one day and I had a fecal accident. It hasn’t happened yet, but it might. They will be a lot more prepared, and just thankful it is a normal colour!

That’s probably enough rambling from me today. Make sure you reach out to someone you love today. December can be cold and lonely.