Yay! Pain is Fun!

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My nerve block from the end of May is wearing off significantly, and I am in pain. My face is very sore, making eating and speaking uncomfortable. The back of my head really hurts, traveling down my neck into my shoulders. I’m trying to be as calm and relaxed as possible. I think this will mean avoiding people for a bit. I’m very much an introvert, and I am quite sensitive. Knowing this about myself helps to make good decisions about setting boundaries. I’m not exactly great with boundary setting, but I need to work on this for my own health.

I tried the Cefaly on cycle 2 and found it surprisingly gentle. Almost more gentle than the gentle cycle. Electrode placement is so important. I’m now doing two cycles a day. It is helping so much. I’m still lying in the dark, but can watch TV, so am not bored too much. Using a tablet is tough for too long, and my vision is quite blurry.

My digestive system is very grouchy. I hope I see that GI doc soon. So uncomfortable. I found some exercises for my pubic bone online. I will try those starting Monday. I don’t want to hurt myself knowing we are going to the Banksy exhibit this weekend. Β My first non-doctor outing in a year!

I approached my doctor about a breast reduction also. I don’t know how likely, but I am so uncomfortable all the time. I have sores, I can’t wear a proper bra because the band hurts my stomach. The straps even of a bralette dig into my shoulders. Despite the EDS, I have had 10 surgeries, four non-keyhole, and only one took a bit to heal because it was at my waistband. Β Maybe? I sent an email afterwards, so we will see. The EDS clinic doctors seem super nice!

So, I am waiting for my treatment to begin, essentially. Saving my energy. I feel like garbage, but I have felt worse. I need some me-time. I’m pretty exhausted from trying to be social. From trying to make friends, from battling sheer assholishness. Putting up walls for people who refuse to accept boundaries. I didn’t realize it would be this much work to explain and explain again things that seem so simple to me. Like, please don’t ring my phone repeatedly after 9:00 PM because you feel chatty. Or ring my phone repeatedly at all. Or write nasty comments on my Instagram page because I haven’t returned your DM. You can see me writing about chronic pain.

I’m tired.

Happy Pride Month!

πŸ¦“

Unnngh

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I’m so stressed. Yet it’s mostly self inflicted. I mean, I think the pressure is self inflicted.  Ì ended up sleeping a lot again today. I couldn’t stay awake, and my back and abdomen were just screaming in pain. I must have overdid it yesterday. It’s so irritating that I put on makeup for 20 minutes and it caused me to have to sleep for the day. I’m at a loss as to how to cope because there is just no help available until my doctor appointments unless I go to the hospital. Honestly, what can they do for me? I mean, besides berate me for wasting taxpayers money. Never mind the people going in for sore throats because their doctors office is closed.

My husband is working hours and hours, I haven’t seen him in days. I miss him. I also have to have an uncomfortable conversation with a person because they are doing things that are crossing boundaries and I’m not happy. I’m too exhausted to deal with this. I just want everybody to leave me alone, except the people I don’t want to leave me alone. 😁 yeah, it’s just as bad in here.

I don’t want to sleep my life away.

Hope you’re having a great evening, Zebras! 😘

 

Thinking About Stuff

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I’ve been thinking of my post of yesterday, since I’m lying here with a bout of painsomnia, and while I wrote that while vaping, I think I need to make some amendments.

I didn’t mean to sound joyful that I have no friends, because I do have friends. I am just recognizing some old patterns of people beginning to move on. It is a relief in some ways right now, as I don’t have the spoons to deal with much of anything, however, I know I will be lonely in a couple of weeks when I’m feeling a bit better. What can you do, though.

The signs? The calls drop off, they start to pick fights with you over nothing. They have time for others but not you. They don’t leave you messages like they used to, they ignore your messages. They attack you on Facebook. It’s not pretty sometimes. If it gets really nasty, their friends join in, but that hasn’t happened to me, thank goodness.

I guess I’m happy that I don’t have to put out the energy at the moment. I just had my treatment, and I’m more exhausted than usual. I can’t even joke with my husband. It’s too much.

I need to cut back my existence, and I’m cutting it to where I want it. Talking about what I want to, eating what I want, being what I want. It’s a revelation. I don’t have the energy for more. I don’t expect this to continue forever, or past the weekend. But people ask how I feel and if I need things and listen. It’s shocking.

On the other side, there are lulls in every friendship. If this is one, so be it. Is my health setback teaching me my limitations? Where I need to draw the line?

I have asked several of my friends to read my blog. Some have refused, saying we can talk about these issues. Yet we never seem to. I’m sure some have and do read it. I appreciate everyone who takes a minute to read my words and take this journey with me. I can’t think of a higher compliment.

I’m feeling very confused right now. Please don’t confuse this with unhappiness. I feel like I am doing a lot of growing. Shedding a skin, gaining a new confidence. It’s so strange as I need to retreat further into shelter of bed and medicine I feel more confident, but I do. I feel more settled. It’s almost like I was scared to be alone, and I found out I’m okay! (That’s so strange but it’s 1:40 am)

I’ve been wondering if it’s just Canada that people don’t reach out assuming you’re bothering someone or prying. Except for one or two people I have to contact everyone, and I don’t have the energy even on a good run.

That’s not to say people won’t be welcomed back if their schedule lightens up. Providing I’m not an international supermodel by then. Β πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I have one friend who habitually reminds me I’m not her #1 friend, I get it.

Speaking of modeling and #1 friends… 😈 I put this photo up on Instagram the other day, no big.

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No big deal, it’s me wearing a Kate Sommerville anti acne mask. (Try to keep it together you know who you are! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) Well, Kate Sommerville PR, sees this and asks to use it. Which cracks my friend up no end. 😍😍😍 I’m glad I could bring her joy. All that makeup expertise, and I slap on a mask, the crowd goes wild.

I slept most of the afternoon again yesterday. It helped. I want to sleep now, but husband is snoring, it’s raining, and I’m aching. I dislocated my jaw again. My daughter brought me a cold hamburger from the fridge and I was so hungry I tried it. Dumb. I just had the damn shots, too. Idiot.

I’m still nauseated. So it kind of doesn’t matter, anyway. I had a Mars bar. I’m still under my calorie count.

What do you think they might do to my pubic bone to make it not hurt? Duct tape? Let’s start around my hips and get more intimate if we have to.

OK, Β it’s almost 2 am. I’d better try to sleep!

‘Night Zebras! 😘

Friends (do do do doodelly doo)

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It has been said every seven years one undergoes major life changes. Or maybe that’s Scorpio. It’s held fairly true in my life, anyway. I turn 47 in November, and my life is undergoing some real flux. One major area this is occurring seems to be friendships.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with making friends most of my life. Both of my parents have mental illness issues, and were constantly coaching me on how I should be interacting with my friends. How I could be doing better. The other messages were that I’d better hang on to any friends I get because I’m ‘ugly, stupid, and weird’. I think the motivation was to keep me from having a big ego, but I was crushed. The pain I was in with the endometriosis every month, plus my EDS pain, dismissed as ‘growing pains’. I started working at age 12, since my parents decided I should pay for everything. They would provide the room and food, which I rarely ate because I was already having stomach problems, and I bought everything else. They provided an allowance of $60 a month I think.

I barely had time for friends, but clearly I had to do whatever anyone asked of me, because that’s what friends do, right?

Set me up for 30 years of misery.

In my 20s I worked three jobs, I didn’t really have time for friends, I eventually moved away from all my high school friends, being nuts while on opioids alienated most of them. Some hate me because of my ex husband. Most have no idea what it was like growing up in my house. The suicide attempts.

When I was in my 30s I joined a baby names board. It was fantastic. I had a tribe. Until someone decided I was an addict and called me out. Nobody defended me. Lost a lot of people. I wasn’t an addict, but was on those damned short acting opioids that weren’t that great. Dependent yes. She was saying I was Rush Limbaugh.

Our friendships moved to MySpace then to Facebook. I got closer to some people. I was still mobile, seeing people at Meetup.com and having friends. But all my guy friends were still handsy, and my girl friends all required gifts and only talked about themselves. But that’s the cost of having friends, right?

I hardly go on Facebook now. I mean, a couple of times a day, vs sitting on it like before. Before, I used to chat with friends, but now everyone just wants to argue or sell you something or have sex.

I used to post on friends’ statuses, but now their friends want to aggressively argue with me. Or criticize. Or completely ignore. I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s what the place has become.

A bunch of my friends have drifted away. The bunch that I talked to on a regular basis. What a strange coincidence. This hasn’t left me friendless, of course. But the ones I have remaining aren’t the ones you speak to every single day.

But you know what? I feel peaceful.

I feel like I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m engaging with people in small bits. I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not angry. I’m not listening to people’s problems.

I am able to engage with people I care about.

Perhaps it is just that I don’t have the energy right now to be more to anyone. My son has been coming for snuggles each night and it’s wonderful. Β We need the connection. I owe my Mom a phone call, but I just don’t have the energy.

I’m finally learning to set boundaries.

I’m trying to let myself not feel guilty. There’s a stupid tape in my head about having to be social. It’s idiotic.

Maybe we will drift back together, maybe not. Maybe we’re just keeping different hours right now and things will change. Maybe they are ghosting me. I’m focusing on what I can control. Those who are responsive in my life, and what I can do to be comfortable.

Am I horrible?

My headache is subsiding, I just want to sleep πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€!

Have a great day Zebra pals! πŸ˜™

PS, I was having a ruminate about what bothered me so much about the men (and women) being forward on Facebook messenger. Β There are two things. First is it’s rather like being cold called in your messages. Another telemarketing tactic? Although, with the amount of sales going on, yeah. And Second, you are treated rather like a non person. As I move through life having things explained to my husband, being shoved out of the way in my chair, it feels really great to be reminded I can’t even participate in the dirty nasty with my own husband.

Maybe it would make me less grouchy? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚