Mercury in Retrograde

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Mercury is supposed to be in retrograde the last two weeks of August, which is why I’ve had this horrible feeling of dread. Or so I’m telling myself.

I was so restless last night, I just could not settle. I was tossing and turning. I had to strip off my nightclothes, as they were getting all twisted up. I tried to make myself a nice pillow fort, but it didn’t work. Mostly, I kept swallowing air and having to sit up and clear it. Very uncomfortable. Not so ladylike, either.

I did fall asleep around 2:00 PM, though, and sleep until 9:00 PM. I usually have no trouble going back to sleep. I’ve been just exhausted, especially after getting outside to see the eclipse! (I will post about that soon!) .  At one point in our history, people used to go to bed around 7:00 PM, sleep until 11, be awake from 11 until 1 and then sleep from 1 to 5 or 6. I could live like that quite happily.

I don’t know if you believe in numerology, I tend not to, but this year my age is divisible by 7, and those do tend to be big years where I re-invent myself. I feel different this year. I have a new outlook. 😊

I bought yet another elbow brace. Size XXL.  Now, I’m not that big anymore, why do I need an XXL? Otherwise I’m ripping them off in agony in the middle of the night, only after a few hours. This one lasted seven. I do feel better, but woah, it’s sore. My hands are sore, too. I’ve been trying to rest them, but you really need your hands! XXL is pretty tough to find. I’m actually using sleeves, not braces. I will save braces until I’m fitted by pros.

Yesterday was supposed to be my BOTOX injections.  I haven’t heard anything from the clinic, but I’m doing amazingly well, considering. I’m not having that much head pain at the moment, but it does ramp up quickly as the day goes on. I’m having a ton of abdominal cramps. I am wondering if my cpap is contributing to my swallowed air. I need another sleep test. I’m to have them for every 20 lbs I gain or lose and I’ve lost 115 lbs without any follow up. It’s straight up due to my mobility. And, the pain therein.

And of course, just the stress. I feel stressed. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s the start of school again. I worry about my kids. My boy didn’t have a great year last year. Grade 7 sucks, though. I need to focus on being relaxed today. My breathing. Relaxing. Perhaps some organization if I can. I love that.

My corner of the bedroom is bringing me joy. I am organizing things so they are easily found and accessible. I have a bunch of trinkets and items to make me happy. Netflix on the television, my makeup organized and close by. Masks and makeup products. Some cool magnifying and fisheye lenses, a zebra striped cuddle blanket. Enough braces to brace an army. Iced tea and lip gloss.

Life is good.

💜

Bad to Worse

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I suppose it makes sense I didn’t see this coming. It would be logical my brain would block out the natural next step, wouldn’t it?

My BOTOX injections have been cancelled.

I was due on August 22, so I’m about two weeks away. This means my migraines are slowly ramping up again. For me, this means my headaches that I usually have at the front of my head are slowly coming back. They are almost constant once they are fully ramped up, which they usually are by the time my appointment rolls around.

The person who called said they would reschedule once they had things sorted. But it would be after August, for certain. My back is at a state right now where I can barely move. My neck… It’s in bad shape. By evening I’m incoherent. I was hoping within the two weeks I would be able to touch base with him and at least ask him.

We still have no idea what is going on, however, husband dug around and found a couple of complaints at the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Canada. One is about him improperly examining a woman’s breasts, and another is about improper procedure. Both within 2015-2017. Now, this doctor is 74 (we figured it out). I have been his patient for eleven years. I am very sorry if he made someone uncomfortable, but I have trouble understanding the first charge. I do know what it is like to be in pain, however, and I have seen the looney-toons that walk into that clinic. I can understand a misunderstanding happening. I am completely certain she believes she was violated. There’s a reason I bring my husband along, however. He often sees things without the haze of pain and remembers things I don’t. Also: witnesses.

However, yes, often the staff would forget to have him or us sign consent forms until after the procedure, and that is bad. As head of the clinic, he needs to be responsible for that.

Now, I don’t know if this is why he is off, or the stress has gotten to him. But I understand the first complaint. If the second complaint caused a stoppage of business, I am enraged. Complaining about something like this to the College and denying thousands treatment, especially after losing another pain doctor recently (He murdered his wife, but still)

Not only that, but my pain doc prescribes a bunch of my meds that no other doc can prescribe.

Having said that, the office manager at the EDS clinic at General said we should hear within a month, and if not to call and find out what’s going on,

Husband will call and update her and my pot doc to advise them of the situation and let them know things may be changing going forward.

I am shopping my blues away. Thank goodness it’s cheap crap on Amazon. I will show you some of the cute stuff I acquire.

All we can do is wait and see. I may just give up and go to the hospital. I have enough medication to keep me semi-conscious and get me through. Actually, it’s not that bad. I make myself zone out so I can be in that hazy semi-sleep state. I am going to be much better at taking my medication on time.

I’m even going to work on vaping. I’ve stopped because it hurt, but I’m going to start again. It shouldn’t hurt after a while!

Ugh.

Upsetting News

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Ugh. My husband called the pain clinic to harass them about my not getting callbacks. When he listened to the Clinics outgoing message, he learned that my doctor, the head of the clinic, is away indefinitely.

I’m frightened.

Firstly, he did not look at all well at our last appointment. He is quite overweight, and looked pale and well, grey.

Secondly, he is not a young man. Going by his graduation dates, he is in his late seventies to early eighties. He has been pushing himself hard, working at least five days a week at the clinic, and travelling all over the world lecturing on pain management. I do hope he is able to recover.

The clinic has assured us it is still running, but, selfishly, I have my shots in two? Weeks. Nobody is as talented as he is. I’m going to get some hesitating ass. Nightmare.

Currently I have referrals out to:

  • Neurologist
  • Gastroenterologist
  • The hand and knee specialists retired so I’m waiting for the EDS clinic.

My heart test came back, it was ‘grossly normal’. Now the EDS clinic has everything they need, and the Manager said we should hear from her within a month, if not to contact her to find out what is going on. I don’t expect an actual appointment, but a date gives me hope. ❤

My good friend is moving an hour and a half out of the city. I dont get to see him much anyway, but he was offred a great spot in a retirement home and he can’t pass it up. We talked for an hour last night and damn it cheered me up!

It’s just so hard to get together with people when you feel lousy, and your kids take over the house, it’s not that big to begin with, and you can’t even serve tea. You don’t want to treat your family as staff, but you want friends to yourself, but as adults, do they come over and hang out in your bedroom? What the hell, sure! 😂

I don’t like this change nonsense.

If you can pray for my doc, I’d appreciate it. I hope he just needs rest.

I’m a Badass!

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I survived my Botox injections yesterday. My regular doctor did them and started with the migraine portion and went down my neck and down my spine and back, to my bottom, and back up thru the other side. I then flip over and we start on the front. When he reaches my abdomen is usually when my screaming starts. It hurts so much.  After, I calm down fairly easily.

My husband is always looking after me. He’s so caring.

After, we spoke with the doctor.  Cleared some things up. We made another follow-up appointment. For October.  Right before our 16th wedding anniversary.

We headed to the car, well, the lobby, hubby picked me up. The dentist was ready for me, so we headed straight there. Skipped lunch. Had my crown repaired. X-rays, no cavities! In fact, no extra work to be done. Mold for mouth guards (2) because if I drop one, and it’s inaccessible, I can’t go to sleep until someone is home to rescue me. And with my hands becoming fumblier and fumblier, it just makes sense.

I had to crawl up the stairs to bed, but I made it.

I need to return on the 30th June to fit the mouth guards and finish the cleaning he started. What a treat!

That’s the short version. I will get you the long version soon, as it’s pretty funny, but I’m really tired and the back of my head and neck are killing me!

Be well, my Zebras! 😘

Oh! No! More Fuckery!

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Remember how I said I clench my jaw when in pain? Ha! Ha! I woke up yesterday with a chunk missing from one of my crowns. It hurts like hell when I eat and misfire.

Hubby called my dentist right away (he’s on call) and we giphy9decided I could hang in until Tuesday after my shots. Combination of convenience of everyone, me getting some lidocaine in my jaw before lying there with my mouth open for hours, and the probability of me getting up the stairs. The dentist asked me if I needed pain relief. I laughed. He called me back in the afternoon to check up on me, he wanted to make certain I could make it to Tuesday, still. Also his best tech is on then. It makes things go quickly. See why I’m so reluctant to leave? He also mentioned it is a medium sized cavern, now that he’d checked the records. It’s work we had done about 10 years ago. Ten years? With my grinding? Woah.

I’m also being fitted for a mouth guard. I asked for two, fully intending to pay, because it’s worth the number of times I drop it and can’t reach it and then can’t nap until my husband gets home, or drop it and can’t rinse it. My dentist was all excited about this new tougher guard, so my husband will have to try to explain. I don’t think he even heard me.

 

Today is my son’s 13th birthday! I am the mother of teenagers now! Woah, I’m old. Ha ha! When I was young, I never imagined myself this old. I just didn’t! So weird…

I can’t wait for cake!

 

Have a wonderful day Zebras! 😘

Needle Day

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The past couple of days I’ve been in just incredible pain. It feels as if someone has been standing on my shoulder trying to chop my head off. It has been incredibly painful. Fortunately,  I had my Botox treatments yesterday, and they help immensely. I’m waiting for the juice to kick in, but they mix it with lidocaine, which helps.

He got my jaw and pubic bone good this time, I screamed at the pubic bone shot. He felt for the trigger point, I’ve known this doc for years, or it may have been my husband, they work together now. It’s sweet. I love the way my husband gives the doctor advice and he actually takes it. Aspergers isn’t all bad, also, being white, 6’5″ highly intelligent, male, and used to people listening to you helps. I’m usually in too much pain to do much more than grunt or squeak.  Husband translates. 😂

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The end of the session. My doctor ran out of there. I don’t think he likes my screaming. It is kind of intense. Not fun for me, either. You know how they say beauty is pain? So is walking.

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Since I only go out for doctor’s appointments, we commemorated the occasion of being fully dressed with a photo! This was before I learned the horrible news. Here’s my dilemma. My home scale says I’m 200.0 lbs exactly. It measures Andrew to what we’ve found is the proper weight on almost every scale. I went to the doctor’s office and was in a room I’m in only maybe 1/4 of the time. That scale weighed me at 210.0 lbs. Which one do I go by? The one I have access to? Or the one shoved in a corner that had files on it that I don’t even know is in use? 🤔 puzzled. (If this is my largest problem? Thank the Lord! Right!?!?)

My doctor is sending me to the EDS clinic at another hospital, which is confusing, because I thought he was starting an EDS clinic. Either that fell through, or we will have two? We can’t have two. He said the wait list wouldn’t be long, so that’s reassuring. I am starting to enjoy things and pains is getting in the way.

I enjoyed nesting this weekend. It was very enjoyable. I rested yesterday. I was hoping to come home and do some things, but no. That was too much.

My son came and cuddled with me. It was nice. I need more of that. 😊😊😊

Have a lovely day, Zebra friends!

 

Mixed Emotions

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I have the feels again. These are mostly anger and shock. I’m finally vaping the higher dose THC pot this morning. I mixed it with just a bit of my regular stuff because it has certainly little cannabinoid in there and I wanted it to be something substantial, not a desperation experiment. Well, here I am, and my back doesn’t hurt finally. I don’t feel stupid. I feel tired, but relaxed. Cold. My pubic bone hurts. My hands hurt. I don’t feel like sitting around playing video games. I feel productive. Artistic. Comfortable, almost. Getting there. I’m hungry.

I know I’m angry. Angry that I was kept from pain relief because… why? I can’t be in as much pain as I say I am? I must be a drug seeker? I remember joking with a (male, ironically) friend about us potentially being roofied, and surprising some guy/gal by saying “ooh, I feel great, do you have another of those things you slipped in my drink?” 😄 I’m one of those EDSers that is tough to drug. I used to blame my weight, but I don’t think that’s entirely it. I seem to have a high drug tolerance.

My body has been feeling not hellish for five minutes, it’s been nice. I have been struggling through. I put together a post for the beauty blog yesterday. It took me all day, but it gave my day some structure. I took a couple of naps, rearranged some things on my computer, watched TV. It was nice and peaceful. I remember how my parents used to nag me about making friends and being friends and going outside, and I have brief moments of anxiety that I’m not talking to enough people. But then I remember what happened last time I spoke to people, and I hide under the covers.

So, to recap, emotions: anger at my old pot doctor for withholding working drugs from me, gratefulness to my new pot doctor for listening and caring, anger and hate toward my genes for this situation to begin with, happiness at the momentary relief, annoyance at my internal dialogue, bliss at the momentary silence.

I was so out of it with pain the other day my husband came over to help me fid something. He handed it to me and I actually said, “Good Boy!”. WE DO NOT HAVE DOGS!!!

My Botox treatment is on April 4th, so that is one week. I just need to hang on a while longer, and we start the circus again. I can feel the pain in my head returning, I’ve had a slow, dull headache for a couple of days now. My neck and jaw just ache.

I want to crawl out of my body. Just leave it behind like an exoskeleton.

Wishing you a great day Zebra buddies! 😘