Letting Go



I’m likely having a flare-up. At least I assume that’s what is going on. My brains are currently pretty scrambled. The pain is pretty intense at the moment, and the pain medication is taking the edge off, but not much more. I continue to take it, don’t want to deal with withdrawal or anything, but it doesn’t really make much of a difference.

Sorry, bit of a pause there, my husband came upstairs after his weekly call with his parents to check on me, and I got some medication and rub. That was nice. I’m slightly more comfortable, but not too much. At least my neck feels not quite as sharp.

Husband and I had quite a row yesterday. No. Wait. I had a tantrum. That’s better. I’m not doing well with accepting that I need as much help as I do. He is a bit overwhelmed with his own duties and obligations and didn’t see that I had not eaten and had missed my medications too long. Yesterday morning I was trying to take my morning pills, but I kept dozing off from pain and sleepiness. I’m usually pretty vocal about my needs, so he doesn’t always babysit me. It blew over quickly, though. We spoke honestly with the kids about how we did things badly. But this was the outcome. I spoke about my trouble accepting help, but I really need it right now. It wasn’t positive, but I think we moved on in a positive way.

So that help thing. We don’t have any help in the community at all. Besides professionals, we just don’t have anyone we can rely on. It’s just the four of us. As I’ve mentioned, our kids have learning disabilities. Our daughter, Aspergers, our son, a processing disorder.  Both of them are in counselling and support twice a week, and have severe anxiety issues. I feel really awful asking for anything from my husband! Although he gives so freely!

Anyway, I realize I just need to trust he will tell me when he has had enough. I have gone two weeks without a proper bath and I just need to suck it up and do it at midnight if we must. Despite our daughter, newly minted 16, shushing us for being too loud at 8:30 last night, Saturday. We are a party crowd.

The luxury of sitting up has been whittled to a few minutes at a time. The nausea and back pain is ever present. I realize now I must let go of a lot of things I may have wanted for myself coming up. I really need to focus on myself right now. This is not something that comes easily to me. Sure, I can do face masks and things, but to really rest without distraction is tough.

I need to let go of worrying about what people think about me. So much of my life I was taught that other people’s opinions were paramount, and it is my duty to micromanage those opinions. No wonder I’m so tired! There are certainly a lot of people who dislike me, I think more than the average person, but I need to just stop trying to dissect what is wrong with me and live my life. I need to chalk it up to being a psycho magnet, as we used to call it back in the day, I know I am very naieve and have made some very bad choices in friendship, and I know a few enemies were made due to people ascribing me stories or characteristics which don’t belong to me at all. Many along the way seem to have this idea I’ve lived a perfect life. I’m some rich kid. Ha! Bizarre. Anyway, I really do need to stop looking back at my life from others’ perspective because it doesn’t serve any purpose, but damn, it’s fascinating.

I need  to accept help. I need to stop with the caretaking. Do you know I was actually thinking of posting on Facebook that it would be okay to unfriend me, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings? I mean, people are kind of acting like I run around and punch them in my sleep, or make horrific posts…wait, I should go check that. I won’t share my health updates. I guess. Maybe. I dunno. I’m just back using it again.

I’m thinking I may play with makeup lying down one day. We shall see how that goes.

My son came into my bed this morning after my husband got up at 6. It was lovely. He had me so relaxed just by wrapping himself in his blanket beside me, putting his face close to mine, and stroking my cheek – I fell asleep! I love that boy! (My girl just as much!)

Ok, perhaps a warm bath would be good. I don’t know. I’m still so uncomfortable. It’s not quite sharp pain, I feel like I’m being squeezed by a boa constrictor. From my cheekbones to my hips. I need to relax, but I don’t know how. God, I think I may have to go to the hospital if this doesn’t let up somehow, or I find something that helps. I’m at least calling the doc tomorrow. Or having my husband do it. Ugh, having indigestion does not help.

Oh, sitting up feels so much better.

I will keep you posted.


I am a Staaaaaaar!



I adore Bob’s Burgers.  So much that Archer is weird now.

I have been neglectful of my blogging responsibilities. I am sorry. I have been spending all weekend rearranging my living space with the assistance of my family. We are not quite done, because they move like turtles. Well, they did until we straightened some things out. I like to give orders 1 through 10 and have them completed. Now go away and leave me until I need you again or work on task X. We were working as I was giving an instruction and waiting for it. Ugh. No. We sorted through a ton of my makeup and skincare. I feel well organized, because if I can argue my way into a couple more steps, I will be quite independent.

I was going to do my blog about beauty today, but I decided to nap. I think it was a great idea, because I was out. From 3 until 6. But here I am at 1 am, exhausted and unable to sleep. I don’t understand. How does this keep happening? I try to stay up, I fall asleep out of exhaustion, just a bit, and I’m still awake! I see another sleep study in my future!

I finished my medicine from the infection I had on Saturday. I felt great! Unfortunately, my tongue is starting to tingle and swell and go numb again. My lips a bit, too. My husband is off tomorrow for his eye appointment.  I dont want him to drag me to the doctor. Besides. I don’t want to go. I’ve NEVER had anything weird like this before! I don’t want to be around any more sick people (acutely). (Contagious)

For those who spend much time in bed, how do you configure your kingdom? I wonder if some of my back pain is in my setup, and would love some ideas of what to change!

One of the things I was going to do was pick up a book instead of a tablet at this hour. I sensed my husband was semi awake. He is autistic, what they used to call Aspergers, though not formally diagnosed*. I asked if he had a book light. He asked if I was going to read. I replied exasperated “No, I’m going to perform a colonoscopy!” He shot back he’d get the better flashlight. Thing with him, though, and all autistic people are different, although some are similar, you don’t know if it was sleep mutter, deadpan humour, or strict logic.

*Our daughter was diagnosed in 7th or 8th grade and the staff all commented on how exactly alike they are. Eerily alike. They look alike, they think alike, yeah.

So that’s been what I’ve been up to. Someone else is walking around the house. Probably my daughter, the other Insomniac. She’s so tired during the day, too.  We should make a boys club and a girls club. The girls can sleep all day, the boys can bring us food when they have time, and they can go to work during the day and sleep at night. Our daughter and I will stay up and watch Netflix. 😂. Our son has daycamp. We should cross paths morning and evening. Oh, goodness, can you imagine? Shift Workers do it, and it must be great for those who are dedicated or wired that way. I’m not really sleeping at all, just four to five hours altogether. It’s not helping me fight whatever body is fighting. I spend hours just lying here resting. I used to be a 9 hour a night person. My whole life.

I hope you have a great sleep!

PS   Sorry I sound kind of grouchy. 🤐 I dont want to be around me either! 😄


Happy Easter!


We woke up early this morning, and even though the kids are 15 and almost 13, the Easter Bunny hid a few eggs around the house. The Bunny was kind and left my stash on the sofa. 😀


I have no idea how much of this is allowed on FODMAP, but likely not much, because it’s yummy. I don’t eat much, so this should last me until next Easter, easily.

I spent some time downstairs with my family, and then trundled back upstairs. My daughter was uncomfortable with me in her space, and I was in pain. My pubic bone is hurting like crazy now, I need some rest time from my crazy activities. Hairstyling diva.

On the occasion on Easter, I may as well take the opportunity to talk about my religion. I am a Christian. I belong to the United Church of Canada, which has a unique outlook on spirituality. The Church’s focus is on your personal relationship with God and Jesus. Your attendance at church is to learn from the teachings of the Bible, which is not taken literally, word for word. Belonging to the church means a focus on community and looking out for one another, taking care of each other. I haven’t been able to attend services in years, because I’m not able to travel and sit that long, but I miss it. My former friend, my son’s Godmother was at his Christening and remarked on leaving how refreshed she felt. She commented how different it was from the Catholic Church where they told you over and over you were bad and what not to do.

By changing the focus, I belive, it changes the conversation from what is everyone else doing, to what am I doing? Another rule of the church is gambling is forbidden. Why? Because the house is always rigged, and the people who lose the most tend to be the most disadvantaged in society.

Sometimes we run into problems, like when one of the ministers found she identified as an Atheist. The council isn’t sure what to do about this. She wasn’t immediately removed, 20170415_224811though.

I don’t talk much about my faith or spirituality. I feel it’s very personal, and I don’t feel it very welcome often.

When I hear about Conservative Christians upset it is never about things that would upset me. I suppose that makes me a… Liberal Christian? Hippie Christian?

Live and let live is more than a glib saying.

Have a wonderful Easter, Zebra mates! 😘

Needle Day


The past couple of days I’ve been in just incredible pain. It feels as if someone has been standing on my shoulder trying to chop my head off. It has been incredibly painful. Fortunately,  I had my Botox treatments yesterday, and they help immensely. I’m waiting for the juice to kick in, but they mix it with lidocaine, which helps.

He got my jaw and pubic bone good this time, I screamed at the pubic bone shot. He felt for the trigger point, I’ve known this doc for years, or it may have been my husband, they work together now. It’s sweet. I love the way my husband gives the doctor advice and he actually takes it. Aspergers isn’t all bad, also, being white, 6’5″ highly intelligent, male, and used to people listening to you helps. I’m usually in too much pain to do much more than grunt or squeak.  Husband translates. 😂


The end of the session. My doctor ran out of there. I don’t think he likes my screaming. It is kind of intense. Not fun for me, either. You know how they say beauty is pain? So is walking.


Since I only go out for doctor’s appointments, we commemorated the occasion of being fully dressed with a photo! This was before I learned the horrible news. Here’s my dilemma. My home scale says I’m 200.0 lbs exactly. It measures Andrew to what we’ve found is the proper weight on almost every scale. I went to the doctor’s office and was in a room I’m in only maybe 1/4 of the time. That scale weighed me at 210.0 lbs. Which one do I go by? The one I have access to? Or the one shoved in a corner that had files on it that I don’t even know is in use? 🤔 puzzled. (If this is my largest problem? Thank the Lord! Right!?!?)

My doctor is sending me to the EDS clinic at another hospital, which is confusing, because I thought he was starting an EDS clinic. Either that fell through, or we will have two? We can’t have two. He said the wait list wouldn’t be long, so that’s reassuring. I am starting to enjoy things and pains is getting in the way.

I enjoyed nesting this weekend. It was very enjoyable. I rested yesterday. I was hoping to come home and do some things, but no. That was too much.

My son came and cuddled with me. It was nice. I need more of that. 😊😊😊

Have a lovely day, Zebra friends!


Return of the Porcupine

dk6cthn9wog2kMy husband and I have been referring to the pain in my lower right quadrant of the abdomen as my ‘porcupine’ for a while now. It feels like a giant porcupine is sitting there, as there is weight, and it doesn’t hurt unless you move. Then you have a stabbing, sharp pain.

My pubic bone is also back to aching. I’m tired. But I still feel pretty good. Better than I usually do. Because I’m usually aching all over, too. So, today I’m going to rest and see if I can’t prolong this winning streak! What a lovely surprise!

Yesterday I became curious when I ate lunch and became bloated and gassy again! A glance at the ingredients on the crackers reveals the suspect! Beet fibre! I’m allergic to beets! My husband knows this! I’m skipping them today to see if this helps.

My daughter is back at school, she seems better, still tired, though. My son is home again, still dealing with anxiety, I think. He has started testing for Autism, and is on the spectrum for sure. He is so precious, I worry. I know he has stomach issues, as autistic individuals often do, but with pain and sprains, I think EDS? I can’t help it.

My husband’s eyes turned red with irritation again. This time the eye doctor changed the glaucoma medication. We wait with bated breath.

I’ve had a blast playing makeup the past couple of days. I want to again today, but I should probably nap instead. I’m so torn!

My cannabis doctor just called and moved my appointment from the morning to the afternoon. They are always moving my appointment around. It is so irritating! My husband takes time off work so he can take me there. Then they change at the last-minute. If I could swan in anytime, I wouldn’t need the medication. Luckily, my husband took the day off this time instead of the morning. Only two people ahead of me, too. Last time I had to wait an hour and a half. It hurt. I was in tears. My old doctor retired to go into addiction recovery. Maybe now I will get someone who will stop trying to get me to cut down. I want this to replace my opioids, not the other way around. Plus, this guy was trying to shame me over my use! Having never used a vape machine before, sorry sir, there was a learning curve. I don’t exactly hang around with anyone who can show me. The stuff I threw out for the first three months was still green.

Anyway, I’m enjoying the heck out of myself. I’m puttering around, getting a few things done, but that nap will be coming up soon. I might even get a read of my book! I don’t know!

I hope you enjoy a respite as well, Zebras! 😙

Finding Joy


My pain is feeling better. My breakthrough pain is subsiding. I feel it’s under control, but still a hair-trigger trap. I am taking my breakthrough meds. It sounds like a children’s book.  “She takes her breakthrough meds for her breakthrough pain, in her breakthrough house…😀”

My son came home from his school trip last night. He wouldn’t even speak to me. He wouldn’t come near me. He was exhausted.  He hadn’t slept the whole trip. This morning he revealed he had a panic attack on the bus coming home.  After 3 days of poor sleep it isn’t surprising. I hope they weren’t too cruel, however grade 7 boys… he won’t say.

wp-1488055003514.jpgI had a good chat with my sister. I love it when she’s able to chat. Shes teaching English in Beijing.  I was whining about my flare-up and she, in the spirit of those who are oh, so well-meaning but not helpful, suggested I try hot water, trying to be funny. She suggested I drink it until I was dead. It struck me so funny. She always cheers me up. She sent me the cutest video of her dancing with one of her students! It was the cutest!


Let me share other places I find joy!

Beauty and self-care:

Don’t automatically knock this. There is a lot to be said for putting some effort into your routine if you’re feeling up to it one day. I don’t necessarily mean every day, if it’s not your thing. But if you enjoy it, put on makeup,  pull your hair back if you can’t do both in one day. Take some photos. Remind yourself you can look average. Do a mask. If your products are too precious, see if you have the spoons one day to make it into a Sephora or another store for a makeover, or if a friend will come over and help. Guys, too, can benefit from a mask, brow trim, and foot mask.

Box subscriptions:

There is a cost associated with this, but if you can ask for one for a gift, you may be on to something. Things like Topbox in Canada can be had for $12 per month, so shop around for your favourite things and see if there is something you can take advantage of. 

There are more than just Beauty boxes out there. There is everything from beer to razor clubs to monthly menstrual clubs. My advice is to find a regional subscription box blogger and go from there. Two I like are @pinkaboutboxes on Instagram and @girlmeetsbox also on Instagram.

Product Review Clubs:

I am a member of Influenster.ca and Chickadviser.ca. They provide samples of products to be reviewed. Influenster is very hit and miss, Chickadviser.ca you can sign up for your products, although they sometimes send you things you don’t sign up for. It’s always stuff you use anyway, like shampoo, so its not like I have to go out and try to use a chainsaw! 😃 Product Review clubs only send out products a few times per year, so it’s not a large commitment. Influenster sometimes has you post to Instagram, it’s a little more involved, but lots of lead time.

Not only does this give you a bit of a hobby if you want one, but it gets stuff for free, too. A bit of digging can show the amazing plethora of items available. Many beauty products, but that isn’t all – Chickadviser.ca has plenty of calls for other items I’m not qualified for because of my eating plan. See what is available in your area.


By now you’ve figured out that I blog here. 😄  I also blog http://www.squidgesbeautyhaul.wordpress.com about my Beauty purchases and collections. Is there something you collect? Are obsessed with? Maybe you should blog about it.


I’m also on Instagram @squidgeaboo with my Beauty collection . It’s fun. I do it from bed. I take pictures of my old stuff and my new acquisitions. What could you show off in photographs? Yes, a daily photo of your cat would be a hit. It’s the internet!

Guilty Pleasures

I will share this with you as long as you promise to stay friends with me. I will reveal my most disgusting guilty pleasure. Okay? Ready? I read Teen Mom gossip. I don’t watch the show, but I can’t not know what that Farrah Abraham gets up to! I’m so ashamed!

I suggest you develop some guilty pleasures of your own. I was going to check and see when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was on because Lisa Rinna is such a train wreck (I don’t know her Irl personality, but I hear it’s less bizarre) and they are starting a Toronto one, but I think it may be detrimental, all that yelling and backbiting. I’ll think on this one.

Good TV

Good positive uplifting TV shows

  • Who Line is it Anyway?zd2spvi4vbleo
  • Bob’s Burgers
  • Mrs. Browns Boys
  • The Simpsons
  • Friends reruns
  • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The IT Crowd
  • Last Week Tonight
  • Vicar of Dibley
  • Parks and Recreation


Internet Surfing:

When I find I am just in the mood to surf the Web and not really to interface, there are a couple of things I do.

  • Shop. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
  • Play on Kickstarter, this is new to me. I had not realized the fun one can have, and the creative items being made here. Do not miss this.
  • One of a Kind Craft Show: This is a quarterly show in Ontario, filled with artists. They have a website, I can peruse them for hours.
  • eBay poking around: I will often play on eBay for hours, looking for old toys I once had, evaluating some of my treasures, looking for weird stuff.
  • Cracked.com: goodness. If you go here, have someone check on you. You will get lost. Fascinating articles, one leads to another.


There are some of the ways I ensure I have joy in my life? What do you do to make sure there is joy in your life?

Stay joyful, my zebra friends! 😘






Space Toilets


I was reminded of a story about my son, who is almost 13. He has Aspergers, and suffers from anxiety. He had heard about debris being let go from planes and it landing on people and animals, sometimes hurting or killing them. We talked about this, and he understood the waste from planes rarely hits anyone in Canada, because of our sparse population, and even though he knew it was wrong, his brain had made it so he was afraid toilets would fall from the sky. He laughed with us at the ridiculousness of this, but was still afraid to go outside for a week. Isn’t it funny how our brain works sometimes? I miss this kid.

I made sure I took my full complement of meds today, with vaping, and I had so much pain, still. I even took my breakthrough meds, and nothing. I got a lot of odds and ends done this morning, and this afternoon, I played with makeup. I tried a new palette and took some photos. It was fine, but you could see the pain in my face. I had fun, though.

I spent some time photographing my collections. That was distracting. My sleep specialist doctor called. She wanted to rebook my appointment. This is the doctor that monitors my CPAP machine. I was supposed to see her today, but couldn’t get there on my own. So we rebooted for the 6th of March. The office calls back 5 hours later to book an appointment with my husband for the results of his sleep study. I then introduce myself and we find a day we can do the appointments back to back, and settle for March 13. My husband is quite slim, but snores, and occasionally stops breathing while he sleeps. It’s like he holds his breath. Not a fan. I was supposed to let the doctor know every time I gained or lost 20 lbs. Oopsie. I have about 80 missing. I suspect another test in my future.

Another first last night. I was shopping on Sephora, and bought a gorgeous lip gloss, I requested notification of restock on two other colours. Those colours came into stock around 11:30 and I remember looking at the email… but I guess I must have purchased them, because they are on their way! 😃

It’s been rough trying to communicate lately, I’ve been just falling down exhausted. I’m just floored by the number of people who have no issue with mocking what I’m saying or how I’ve said something. I’m not always the most elegant speaker, but goddamnit, I am so anxious about it, why do I get kicked when I finally try?

I was once a part of this group, it was a very important group to me. It was online. I had tons of friends, I had thought. I was trying to explain about my pain and what it was like to be on those horrible oxycodone pills, that you had to take every four hours, but would wear out at hour three, so you were in screaming pain for an hour. I had mentioned my prescription kept increasing, and some ‘person’ decided I was a drug addicted drug abuser who was abusing my children. Went off the rails, I was not well enough nor grounded enough to defend myself, and poof. Life gone. No more friendships. I was compared to Rush Limbaugh. For the record, I absolutely took my medication as prescribed. I am notorious for under-medicating, actually, which is terrible. I should be absolutely consistent and on time, but it’s hard to remember, or I will do it in a minute!

I don’t know why I’m so introspective today. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I’ve been struck by the amount of ableist initiatives our government is putting forth, and I’m almost in the mood to start making a stink about one or two.


Maybe it’s been one too many times of explaining why I am this way, or why I can’t… or why I can’t do something. I feel a lot of loss lately.

I’m going to troll around and do some reading, edit some of my photos.

Stay warm, my zebra friends! 😘