Bedtime Tidbits

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Have you ever had that sensation where you’re in bed, I’m usually staring at my tablet, and suddenly I have no idea what time of day or night it is. I have no idea if I should be getting up or going to sleep. Probably a me thing.

I spent another day sleeping. I started out having a normal day, then playing, but I got my foundation on and realized I was just too tired and dizzy.

Last night, husband and I were fighting to stay awake from 9:00. Our son wasn’t in bed and was pulling the ‘I can’t sleep’ but you’ve only been in bed for five minutes….routine. We were probably asleep by 10.

I said to my husband this morning I was finally rested enough to go to bed. I was just at the point where I could settle down, cuddle up and chat for a while, only to drift off blissfully.

So I did that this afternoon. Only alone! I’m still too tired to partner up again. Which is fine, there’s stuff going on, I’m just worn out today. It’s raining, that seems to have something to do with it.

I hope you enjoyed this bonus episode!

Refinery29: 12 Women Discuss Whether They Regret Their Decisions Around Motherhood pt 2

Refinery29: 12 Women Discuss Whether They Regret Their Decisions Around Motherhood. http://google.com/newsstand/s/CBIwle2Szzk

This is such a fascinating article. I never had doubts about motherhood. Well, let me explain.  Throughout my 20s, I had assumed I would remain childless. Partly because of my five operations for endometriosis, partly because my husband was not suitable for raising children with, and partly because my mother told me I’d make a terrible mother, as I’d hate it.

giphy15It turns out I’m having a blast. I don’t like kids, much. We don’t relate well, but mine are awesome. Other people have said just that. It is quite a struggle with managing my pain, but I have an extremely supportive partner, who works with us as a team, not a sperm donor. He attends all our appointments, as the kids are both autistic. Our 15-year-old girl has Aspergers, our boy is 13 in June, is part way through testing. They are certain he is on the spectrum, but resources are so limited, they have to test further up the line before finishing him up. My husband has Aspergers as well. He cloned himself when he made my girl! 😂

I work hard to find other things to talk about besides my children. I have many child free friends. In fact, I was on those boards in the 90s! I even campaigned for a hysterectomy for a while, as it was the only thing on offer to really ‘cure’ my endo.

My life would have been very much different without children. I may even be in less pain. I certainly wouldn’t know the love, wisdom, and depth of spirit I do now. We had discussed the very real likelihood I might not be able to conceive. When my now-husband and I met, I was 28, he was 30. (It was Halloween, 1998, my birthday is November 3, I was 27) Wednesday moved in together officially in July of 1999 (unofficially, much earlier, but we got a place together in July) and on November 13, 2000 I got pregnant for the first time. This was my ectopic pregnancy, which had given us so much hope! I could at least get pregnant.

I started bleeding on Christmas Eve, 2000 in Barrie, an hour’s drive north of the city we live in (Toronto). It started getting bad, beyond spotting, so I had husband take me to the hospital. At the hospital they told me their ultrasound technician was off for the holiday (1:00 p.m.) but my cervix was closed, don’t worry. Meanwhile, not fine. We have holiday dinner at my brother and sister in laws house with parents in law, while I am bleeding, and cramping and trying to hold it together while I know I’m in hostile territory.  We had planned the surprise for tomorrow, but I’m scared as hell and turning ghostly white. Husband finally makes announcement he’s taking me back to a better hospital. Oh, and that I’m pregnant.  Mother in law holds her head in her hands. Drama queen. We traipse off to the hospital, where I don’t remember what happened, but we have to keep my parents’ car overnight. I have to tell everybody over the phone the good news. I at least get to sleep in my own bed. The next morning I went back to the hospital and they ran tests on me. They discovered I had an ectopic pregnancy. The embryo had stopped growing in the fallopian tube. If it had decided to rupture, I could have died. What kind of hospital doesn’t have an ultrasound technician? Doesn’t think of this possibility and suggests I try another hospital? I was lucky enough that they caught it in time and two doses of methotrexate took care of and dissolved that blockage. Because, after getting the all clear, it only took us two months to conceive our daughter. The original plan was, we would try the 6 months leading up to the wedding, and then immediately after, start IVF. Usually they make you wait a year, but they were so convinced, and worried about my advanced age and surgeries. I’m so glad to prove them wrong. Husband takes all the credit!

We were planning to get married the following October. October 16 is the ‘family’ wedding day. Rebels that we are we married on the 20th of October, 2001. I was 5 months pregnant with Dorkus.

I remember those nights of pulling my daughter into bed because she wouldn’t stop nursing. She eventually stayed there. I’ve had days of stumbling around and not being able to see, so tired.

But she grew, she became more independent. It wasn’t long before I wanted a bigger family.

I must say, being adopted by my dad, with a half-sister, having genetic relations around is neat!

Honestly, my menstrual cycle returned in July, 2003. September, 2003 I had an ER room visit where I was clutching my abdomen in pain. I could barely speak, I was moaning. They were certain it was my appendix, although they couldn’t find it on ultrasound. They decided to go in after it. They removed a perfectly good appendix and I started my period the next morning. The nausea from the anaesthetic lifted after two weeks, but then I started getting sick again. Our boy was born in June of 2004.

I’ve never regretted them. They are my family.

Just today, I had such pain, I needed comfort. I asked my son to come snuggle me. Just sit with me and watch the Simpsons while I fell asleep.

Best nap ever.

One one side, I do have incredible pain and very little to no support from extended family. On the other hand, I have an extremely supportive, willing and able-appearing partner, who pushes through the pain of his own arthritis to keep us on track. We are in a first-world country with adequate health care that I have extended benefits for and the income to access, not to mention the skin tone.  This all contributes to making things slightly easier for me on that side of the equation.

Although, we left our kids with a sitter to actually go out, once. We went to my high school reunion. 25 years. Back in Winnipeg. We had adjoining rooms and the kids bounded in the next morning and wanted to know who was in bed with me. They didn’t recognize their father. 😄

I think we’ve left them with my parents a couple of times? Few? My Mom has taken our daughter to the library, we’ve spent time with them. Husband and I went for dinner for an hour and a half. No more than six times for sure. We just didn’t see them that much. Never with his parents. I was in labour with our son and we had asked them to come stay with our girl. They wanted to take her to their house and hour away! No! I want her to meet her brother! First! They didn’t get it. My Mom to the rescue! Or I would he rave been alone.

I don’t know if I told this story. I tell about my daughter’s birth, but when my son was in labour, the nurse checked my progress with two fingers and he grabbed them! She said he must have had his hand up by his head!

Parenthood: I feel like I’ve been given the greatest puzzle to solve. The more I put into it, the more love I get out of it.

Goodnight, Zebras! 😘

It’s the middle of the night, I hope this makes sense! 😘😘😘

Doubt, Pain and Uncertainty

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Yesterday went slightly better for me. Strange, because we started the day with the lower THC marijuana, so I had lower pain relief, and I was hurting slightly more. I wonder if I take better care of myself on these days? Something to think about. I made sure I took in proper nutrition, and had some crackers my husband had bought over the weekend with some cheese, and I felt less tired. Hey, now! If I can time this right, perhaps I can work around the nausea and try to have some better food and thus, better energy. I’m pretty good at timing my vitamins now. One thing at a time.

I had a chance to play with a new makeup collection – the Urban Decay x Basquiat Collection – and had a blast. I didn’t make too much of a mess. I was so pleased! I played with new lights, and was happily able to take care of some personal grooming such as shaving my legs, applying a face mask, and I was going to settle down to write a few words for this blog when… okay, I fell asleep. I thought it was just going to be a small two-hour nap, just until my husband came home. It was four o’clock, after all.

Eight o’clock and chicken tortillas in my face indicated this was not to be. I was in quite a lot of pain as well. My abdomen is really bothering me, as is my neck, although it’s eased some. I’m coping. I mean, derangedly, but I’m coping. I have huge acne sores. I’m stressed all to hell, but I’m coping. I just don’t know what else to do except put on makeup because it’s fun, take photos, because that was a lot of work, and the photos are fun, too. Distraction.

I’ve cut my Beauty Blog to three days per week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday now through the month of May. It’s heartbreaking, because it’s so much fun, but I had to give something up. Nobody would take my kids 😃 Likely because I didn’t offer them. My daughter is struggling a bit with her Autism and anxiety. Mama to the rescue! Poor kid. When Dad has Autism as well, it’s difficult because he wants to help, but he isn’t very adept at relating interpersonally. His approach is completely logical. Not necessarily what one needs in the moment. Fortunately he relates well to the hyper-logical boy.

Off to play for a bit!

Stay stripey, my Zebra loves! 😘

Frustration

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There is so much truth to the old adage that says your life can’t be running well in more than one place at a time. So while my body isn’t in pure agony, all my relationships are in relationship hell. Well not all of them, but most of them, and some are actually just in relationship purgatory. At any rate, I sure am feeling low today. I’m just going to muddle through as best I can and see what happens. 8m just not certain what else to do anymore.

For the record, I don’t think everything happens to me. In fact, I’m pretty certain we are all blessed fairly equally in life, if we look at things. We don’t all have money or friends or health or brains to fall back on, but over a lifetime, I think most of us get lucky in a couple of places. We get a good spouse, or we meet a good friend, or we have luck with money, or we are lucky with our careers, or we have good health. I think we get pretty even in the end.

Since I’ve graduated high school,  I haven’t had a good friend who has had time for me, and I don’t mean every minute of every day, but once a week for fifteen minutes, and a genuine desire for my friendship, not seeing me as the crippled friend collectible. I’ve started a few friendships, they’ve fizzled, usually because I can’t get out, or had to cancel plans too many times, or things just fizzled. There are the friendships with men, where they always wanted something more. I have one friend now, everything I post something that triggers her on Facebook, she posts about how privileged I am. Lots of friends post about how we need to make the world more accessible, but not a single message asking how I’m doing. Disabled in the abstract is fine, but do you really want to deal with them one on one?

My husband snapped at me last night. It was even more painful because I’m in so much emotional pain. I’m realizing people I thought had my back, don’t. (I don’t mean my husband) He is exhausted, his eyes hurt, he has a cold, our boy is being a sassy jerk. He’s almost 13. I said something he didn’t expect, I was right, but my tone was off, as I hadn’t spoken for a while, that happens to me sometimes. I have trouble regulating air, and just, well, sound weird. My son had said something, he snapped at my husband, something like “I can’t take this anymore! I’m going to bed” and my husband was like where does that come from, and I said our son was imitating husband, because husband says that almost every night. He apologized, but it still felt awful.

People don’t hear this stuff because when they talk to me, they don’t ask. They call and tell me their problems. They ask how I’m feeling. I give them a brief description of my pain, because they don’t care, and then I listen. Because I’m Yoda.

I’m whining about this because I don’t think this is unique to me. I think this is fairly common among my zebra friends, and is the reason most of my actual friends are other zebras.

I’m still bummed about my ex-brother-in-law dying. He was a decent guy. I have no one to discuss this with as my husband is not impressed. He can’t fathom a decent guy being brothers with The Weasel. I can’t talk to my ex. Don’t want to open that crate of worms. So, I just sit here. It will pass. He was only seven years older than I am. Five years older than my husband. Cancer. My ex said it was from steroids? I know he played football, but he does get things wrong.

I’m trying to get my son to school, but he’s still so anxious he won’t go unless someone walks him there. I’m so worried for this kid. He made it once this week. My therapist pointed out things could be solved if I could just walk him to school. She’s right. Although, I would probably be working if I could walk. And really, walking him would just be a panacea.

Today should be interesting. I had a glorious nap yesterday. May do it again, today. Makeup could be on the agenda, as I concentrate on it and get out of my head for a while, it’s something I can DO. Unlike colouring, reading, TV, Netflix, jogging, cleaning, writing (for too long) etc…

My husband is talking about coming home to help our son to school as it’s the last day before spring break, and he needs to pick up any home work assignments.

Will definitely be staying away from Facebook much of the day. I’m feeling far too sensitive to venture into those waters. I need to know my limits. Lots of people are closet bullies. I don’t know why they hate closets so much! 😀

Sorry to be such a bitch today, but I needed to vent. Thanks for listening! It’s very much appreciated.

Have a fantastic day, Zebras! 😘