Hang Head, Feel Shame.

I have been so neglectful of keeping you updated, I really should be ashamed of myself. However, I have experienced a very disruptive two weeks, and I am merely catching up now.

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Firstly, today is my 47th birthday. (Cheers, applause) I take birthdays pretty darn seriously. I always have. Partly, because it gives me an excuse for self-care, which is not something I allow myself on a regular basis, although I am getting much better. I tend to celebrate myself for a week or a month. Depending. I have never celebrated my birthday with a party as an adult. I only had a couple of parties as a kid, then we had the family parties where we celebrated everyone’s birthday that month. In my 20s, we were too poor and I was always working, then babies and now I’m eating so funny, and I can never get anyone together. The banking industry has its year-end on October 31, so most of my friends were really busy these past two weeks to a month. Including my husband. I hope he starts coming to bed before I’m on my last leg now!

Enough of that whining, Sephora started their Rouge Sale this morning, so I saved up for ages! Bought tons of goodies! Yay! Toys!

It seems my Botox kicked in on Monday sometime. So I’m feeling much better. I need to be very careful and ensure I lie down, avoid stress, eat properly, relax, rest, but as long as I take care I have a lot of improvement. I’m excited for Christmas!

It seems our son may not have autism. He was evaluated with the school psychologist, and while he presents as autistic, he is very anxious and has some serious learning disabilities we are trying to negotiate. They involve information processing and executive function. Once these are rectified, he may do just fine, and the autistic appearance will hopefully fall away. If it doesn’t, then he is autistic and we have more to work on.

Still having trouble with daughter attending school regularly. Her anxiety is just overwhelming.

So that’s what has been occupying my day to day. Both kids have needed more time from me, so I’ve been there for them. I’m tired today. Mellow. This afternoon cries for a nap.

I did have some fun with Halloween costumes.

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Beware the Rainbow Kitty!

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Who’s the cutest zebra you’ve ever seen? ๐Ÿ˜›

Hope you had a great Halloween!!!

Here’s hoping things get back to ‘normal’ lol!

๐Ÿ’œ

 

Remember Me?

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Hey everyone! I’ve spent the last two weeks freaking out over this past weekend’s beauty convention! It went over very well, and I’m hoping to soon have a cross-post up between my two blogs about my experience.

I was very nervous about this weekend because I purchased the tickets for me and three friends in March when I felt fairly well. With the head and neck pain I’ve been having, I wasn’t certain I could endure the entire weekend.

Add to this, I had my BOTOX injections and broke a crown on my tooth and had to have dental work done. Ugh.

Oh, I missed this story, so on the day of my BOTOX injections, there is a volunteer in who isn’t the usual. She comes in the lobby and calls for Diana. I ignore her, that not being my name. She then calls Diana with my last name. I figure it out. I stagger over, followed by my husband. I apologize for not answering to the wrong name before, being the Canadian that I am, and educate her on the correct pronunciation of my name. DAH-nuh to rhyme with banana. She gets all put out. She goes to the file and starts whining “Well, it’s just that we have four names here for you!” My husband goes over and asks what they are. She’s referring to my first, middle, maiden, and last. The only one I don’t use is my middle. And there’s a short form of my first name I use. So she lightens up a bit. ย Then she comes back and want to know if she needs to fill all the serum, if we use all six vials. I told her yes. As we’ve been doing this for three years now? Maybe two and a half. She then says, I don’t know, it’s kind of a lot… And then looks to my husband for validation. ๐Ÿ˜  She comes back after with another administrator, and thusly begins calling me Dayna for a good five minutes. I won’t even mention her mocking my husband when he went to get me up when he thought the doctor was ready for me but he wasn’t. I will send a note, though, to patient relations. Yikes!

Back to the convention, so after my BOTOX, I had my tooth fixed, went home, rested up and was really anxiety and pain ridden, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was angsty and stressed and such a mess. But then, as soon as the event was over, as my friend got in her car and drove away….

My throat began to hurt….my tongue began to swell…my lymph nodes are swollen and sore. I couldn’t sleep my tongue hurt so much last night. I’m glad it waited, that was kind. I do need to have my husband book off work to take me to the doctor. I can’t go alone. I get really upset and stressed when I’m sick. Sometimes even before I know I’m sick. It started in my 30s. It’s almost as if I am afraid to be vulnerable. I remember one day being so ill I could hardly walk I had such a cold, but I had decided I had missed four days of work and that was it, I was going in. It didn’t matter it was 8:30 at night, I was needed! My husband talked some sense into me, but I get so irrational.

A couple of conclusions: last time I went out socially was last August. This isn’t acceptable. I need to get out more, as does our daughter, so we do not have this much anxiety.

The world certainly treats you differently when you are thin..ner. I’m not quite thin, but I’m thinner. I’m about 60 less than last year? Wow. Last year someone asked if I was my friends’ mother. That’s the one who spoke to me. This year? Compliments and chats and nobody speaking to my carer (pusher? ๐Ÿ˜) first…well, mostly…. but that’s a story for later!

There were actually moments when I didn’t notice my pain. I feel miles better today, spiritually, anyway. My mouth hurts. I’m thinking strep. All that turning of my neck may have worked out some kinks. Now, I’m far from sprinting a race. Much of this is because of a good medication balance. I did have two pretty scary incidents where my knees just buckled under me. My friend who is a nurse thought that was pretty cool, I think, except one was on stairs. It’s that with no meniscus, it feels like one bone goes one way and the other, well… I also had my fingers go out yuck. But in the grand scheme, I will take it.

I will try to get that post about my experience together, and I will let you know!

๐Ÿ˜˜

Goals

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I had lofty intentions for this blog, but it seems to have devolved lately into a daily diary of my exploits. I could have said pain – but that’s just melodramatic. ๐Ÿ˜„ it’s kind of true, though. ย I really do document my day to day pain at this point. I am in Survival mode, essentially.

…I started writing several hours ago. I’ve been distracted, had a nap, fielded a call from my daughter’s art teacher, (she suffers from anxiety, and has had spotty attendance this past month. He was concerned, understands, thinks she’s awesome. She endeavoured to turn in an assignment today, even though she was struggling).

As I was saying, I feel like I’m still in survival mode. I’ve had to shed most of my activities not actively related to living. This morning I felt as if I had taken a step out of the ooze. It’s great when I can add things back, like playing with makeup. Geez. Putting on makeup is something most people take for granted. For me, playing can take two or three hours for a simple face. A face most people would put on for date night. It takes me so long because I rest between steps, lie down, have to stretch.

I had to tell my mom I needed some space for a bit. I feel so responsible to her, but if I don’t get to her for a bit (Dad too, of course) I feel guilty, but I need to strip my life for a bit again. Just the basics. Making sure I get enough sleep, eating properly, taking my medicine and vitamins, bathing – which can be tough. I need to be for my family right now.

It looks like my husband needs to go for more consultation on his eye. He went to the doctor on Saturday, and the pressure was up in his left eye. The doctor wants him to see another specialist. Soon. I’m concerned. He was prescribed more drops, fully researched, for the one eye. Within two days his eye was red and angry again.

It’s kind of stressful over here. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if I am feeling exhausted and out of sorts. I’m trying to be responsive to and supportive of my friends, but it’s rather like I’m a flailing drunk trying to make sense of it all. My head pain has increased again, which isn’t too surprising, since I haven’t been looking after myself.

Going forward, I pledge to be gentler to myself. I will practice good self-care and remember I cannot be my best self if I am out of sorts.

My family needs me.

Besides, what ever turns out the way we expect it to, anyway?

Thanks for being here, Zebra friends! ๐Ÿ˜˜

Return of the Porcupine

dk6cthn9wog2kMy husband and I have been referring to the pain in my lower right quadrant of the abdomen as my ‘porcupine’ for a while now. It feels like a giant porcupine is sitting there, as there is weight, and it doesn’t hurt unless you move. Then you have a stabbing, sharp pain.

My pubic bone is also back to aching. I’m tired. But I still feel pretty good. Better than I usually do. Because I’m usually aching all over, too. So, today I’m going to rest and see if I can’t prolong this winning streak! What a lovely surprise!

Yesterday I became curious when I ate lunch and became bloated and gassy again! A glance at the ingredients on the crackers reveals the suspect! Beet fibre! I’m allergic to beets! My husband knows this! I’m skipping them today to see if this helps.

My daughter is back at school, she seems better, still tired, though. My son is home again, still dealing with anxiety, I think. He has started testing for Autism, and is on the spectrum for sure. He is so precious, I worry. I know he has stomach issues, as autistic individuals often do, but with pain and sprains, I think EDS? I can’t help it.

My husband’s eyes turned red with irritation again. This time the eye doctor changed the glaucoma medication. We wait with bated breath.

I’ve had a blast playing makeup the past couple of days. I want to again today, but I should probably nap instead. I’m so torn!

My cannabis doctor just called and moved my appointment from the morning to the afternoon. They are always moving my appointment around. It is so irritating! My husband takes time off work so he can take me there. Then they change at the last-minute. If I could swan in anytime, I wouldn’t need the medication. Luckily, my husband took the day off this time instead of the morning. Only two people ahead of me, too. Last time I had to wait an hour and a half. It hurt. I was in tears. My old doctor retired to go into addiction recovery. Maybe now I will get someone who will stop trying to get me to cut down. I want this to replace my opioids, not the other way around. Plus, this guy was trying to shame me over my use! Having never used a vape machine before, sorry sir, there was a learning curve. I don’t exactly hang around with anyone who can show me. The stuff I threw out for the first three months was still green.

Anyway, I’m enjoying the heck out of myself. I’m puttering around, getting a few things done, but that nap will be coming up soon. I might even get a read of my book! I don’t know!

I hope you enjoy a respite as well, Zebras! ๐Ÿ˜™

Space Toilets

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I was reminded of a story about my son, who is almost 13. He has Aspergers, and suffers from anxiety. He had heard about debris being let go from planes and it landing on people and animals, sometimes hurting or killing them. We talked about this, and he understood the waste from planes rarely hits anyone in Canada, because of our sparse population, and even though he knew it was wrong, his brain had made it so he was afraid toilets would fall from the sky. He laughed with us at the ridiculousnessย of this, but was still afraid to go outside for a week. Isn’t it funny how our brain works sometimes? I miss this kid.

I made sure I took my full complement of meds today, with vaping, and I had so much pain, still. I even took my breakthrough meds, and nothing. I got a lot of odds and ends done this morning, and this afternoon, I played with makeup. I tried a new palette and took some photos. It was fine, but you could see the pain in my face. I had fun, though.

I spent some time photographing my collections. That was distracting. My sleep specialist doctor called. She wanted to rebook my appointment. This is the doctor that monitors my CPAP machine. I was supposed to see her today, but couldn’t get there on my own. So we rebooted for the 6th of March. The office calls back 5 hours later to book an appointment with my husband for the results of his sleep study. I then introduce myself and we find a day we can do the appointments back to back, and settle for March 13. My husband is quite slim, but snores, and occasionally stops breathing while he sleeps. It’s like he holds his breath. Not a fan. I was supposed to let the doctor know every time I gained or lost 20 lbs. Oopsie. I have about 80 missing. I suspect another test in my future.

Another first last night. I was shopping on Sephora, and bought a gorgeous lip gloss, I requested notification of restock on two other colours. Those colours came into stock around 11:30 and I remember looking at the email… but I guess I must have purchased them, because they are on their way! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

It’s been rough trying to communicate lately, I’ve been just falling down exhausted. I’m just floored by the number of people who have no issue with mocking what I’m saying or how I’ve said something. I’m not always the most elegant speaker, but goddamnit, I am so anxious about it, why do I get kicked when I finally try?

I was once a part of this group, it was a very important group to me. It was online. I had tons of friends, I had thought. I was trying to explain about my pain and what it was like to be on those horrible oxycodone pills, that you had to take every four hours, but would wear out at hour three, so you were in screaming pain for an hour. I had mentioned my prescription kept increasing, and some ‘person’ decided I was a drug addicted drug abuser who was abusing my children. Went off the rails, I was not well enough nor grounded enough to defend myself, and poof. Life gone. No more friendships. I was compared to Rush Limbaugh. For the record, I absolutely took my medication as prescribed. I am notorious for under-medicating, actually, which is terrible. I should be absolutely consistent and on time, but it’s hard to remember, or I will do it in a minute!

I don’t know why I’m so introspective today. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I’ve been struck by the amount of ableist initiatives our government is putting forth, and I’m almost in the mood to start making a stink about one or two.

Almost.

Maybe it’s been one too many times of explaining why I am this way, or why I can’t… or why I can’t do something. I feel a lot of loss lately.

I’m going to troll around and do some reading, edit some of my photos.

Stay warm, my zebra friends! ๐Ÿ˜˜