Worn Out – Part Two

I wanted to add some things to my earlier post. Some caveats, per se.

It’s certainly not everyone who contacts me on Facebook messenger or interacts with me that has been a problem or has been selling to me, let me be clear. I have made a number of new friends with people I have in common with others, and it’s been a lot of fun getting to know people. I’ve had several message me and want to chat, and I welcome that. Approximately 75% have been respectful. 5% have been perverts. 5% have been ‘you need to do this…’ types, and 15% are sales.

I do not mind being approached by people I have known for even a few months. They are generally nice, they converse, they continue to speak to me.

But when I’m added to a Facebook group about healthy weight loss through diet and exercise, or the best entertaining recipes..it’s like you don’t even know me. I’ve been added to seven Lula roe groups and I don’t think those things fit me. They are not pajamas or people clothes. Nix.

I suppose it’s just added to my long week that every second day someone was asking for something. Thursday, I think, some lady I had just recently friended was asking how many wraps or shakes I wanted. Since I’ve been subsisting on cookies and almonds this week, none, thanks! ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜ข I had never spoken to her before, I didn’t answer and she hasn’t been back. What I think bothers me is there doesn’t seem to be any interest in pursuing any other relationship. I’m slightly put off by that. Of course, I’m deleting and blocking so they can’t re-add me, but, it’s so…defeating.

It’s not as many people as it feels like, it’s just been a few in a week. And when they disappear because I’m not a customer, before I get rid of them, I feel rejected. There have been a lot of friends who do check in and stick around and I do know this. I’ve been in the wrong place at the wrong time all week.

I often play into that goofy, ditzy, on-her-meds stereotype because it’s easier than calling people out on their bullshit.

I put a care package together for my Mom, and I was so excited, it took a lot to collect everything and mail it. It got to her, and I was so busy with the kids I didn’t get to call. Finally I did, and it was all complaints. The package had sat in the box for a week. The chocolate almonds I sent were stale. (I had some, I thought they were good) then she said she probably doesn’t like chocolate. Oh, hey! Have I heard from my sister? ๐Ÿ˜” I don’t expect everybody to be happy all of the time. But every single person this week seemed to be having a bad day. And I was so disappointed I had let her down. I had ripped apart the bedroom to find the kids’ school pictures, sourced a special wash cloth for her, and when my friend’s son was selling chocolate almonds, grabbed an extra two boxes and didn’t even eat them! I know, it had nothing to do with that. I know that in my head. She doesn’t have an easy life. And when I tried to do something good, I fail.

Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m okay to treat however because they assume I don’t have any real responsibilities.ย 

I’m so sorry I’m so cranky. My neck is really sore. My pain was down around a 5 all last week and now it’s at a 8.5. My knees are clicking, my elbows. I can’t get warm. Husband has the children all week, so I can hide from the world. I’ve been shopping. Ugh. I’m over my budget, and I’m finding things I ‘need’. The only thing I think I could do for extra money is cam girl. I know I have a limit to my earnings. I’d be surprised if I could drum up enough interest in…I don’t know what I’d do? Blog? Put on makeup live? Yay? Is there a Fetish…oh rule 34…let perverts watch me sleep? ๐Ÿ˜ maybe I will cut down on shopping…. yes I think that is the better decision all around.

I am aching so much right now. I am going to start the breakthrough medication I’m prescribed tomorrow, I think. I will have to order my cannabis in the morning. On a whim, I decided to check to see if I could order, and I can. No email as promised. I am ticked. I was spoken to like I was asking to get my new teapot a day early, and was firmly told Monday, be patient and I would get an email, but here it is Sunday, no email, I’m too tired and on meds to do it right, and here it is. How long has it been there?

I have a headache that feels under my scalp, my neck hurts, I can’t warm up. My joints are so achy. My wrists and elbows. My jaw. My pubic bone my right abdominal side, any movement means I want to cry out. This week is about rejuvenation and healing and rest. And trying to eat more than cookies. And almonds. No other food wants to stay down. We order our pizza on Sundays, gluten-free, lactose free, and I enjoyed it. But i had to lie down for an hour. Everything I ate, every bite today, I needed to lie down. So, I will be having fun with that. Plus, online shopping to a minimum. Or none at all. Except for the Urban Decay launch on the 23rd.

I’m going to try to keep my voice from sounding simply snarky and give a reason for that anger, if that makes sense? ย I’m a bit reflective these days. In the morning when I’m up and medicated, it may help as well. I may have some time to relax and zen. โ˜บ It’s difficult to convey your true inner self when you’re in pain. Maslow’sย hierarchyย and all that.

I’m crying from pain and frustration, but going to try to sleep.

Goal for tomorrow is painting my toenails! ๐Ÿ˜„

Have a gorgeous moment today, Zebras. Just one. ๐Ÿ˜˜

 

I’m Gorgeous! (Not)

I had a super painful boutique of painsomnia last night. As I was u6hjv9jgygs4orolling over to my left side to go to sleep, my left knee subluxed and I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t quite settle it into place, and lay aching from 10:30 until I gave up at 2:00 am.

At 2:00 am, I gave up and picked up my tablet, started playing on the internet. I had to dim the light way down, because my eyes really hurt. I was able to chat with my sister in Beijing around 6:00 which is a nice treat. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. She was on vacation in Indonesia recently, and didn’t even load photos up anywhere! But Saturday is her busy day, and she told me this hilarious story about one of her 4-year-old students punching her in the face. I’m pretty sure the hilarity was in the telling.

After we chatted, I fell into a restless sleep, and woke up to my alarm at 10:00 am. Damn me for deciding to be productive on weekends. I hit the snooze for an hour and got up to use the washroom. I got back into bed, and decided to survey the damage of my face.

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My left eye is quite swollen. It looks hilarious. It’s not quite as weepy, but is tender. When my husband brings our son home from therapy, I think we should call Tele health and check. My eyeball isn’t infected, or I should say affected, I’m just sore around the eye, the left one, and I sleep on that side -so it’s drained into that sinus, we figure. I have taken Benadryl allergy complete, and am sitting propped up, but it’s not draining, really.

I don’t want to go to a walk-in clinic, especially while flu-ish because I don’t want to catch something worse. If it’s not urgent and can be managed, I’d rather hang on and go see my GP on Tuesday, because of course it’s a long weekend! I’m sick just about every long weekend, it’s a running joke. Our daughter is sick, too, poor sweetie.

To add to my grotesque appearance is a large pimple where my chin used to be. It’s scabbed over now and looks like a cold sore that got lost.

I need a bath so much. I am so sore, and my hair has been two weeks without a wash, and needs detangling. It would have been so good if I could have gotten to it even a day or so ago! I just do not have the spoons. I will have to tackle it first thing tomorrow. Put the family on notice. I feel so weak.

I had a neat conversation with a friend today. She is a nurse, and gets the flu shot because of being around immune compromised people like me, but she hadn’t noticed a difference herself. I explained how normally, a flu could keep me sick and essentially unconscious, because I’m sleeping to get better for six weeks or so to gain my strength. But when I have a flu shot, and they get them right, I recover much quicker. I’ve been sick nearly a week, but I’m not sleeping the whole time, and I have been keeping food down, etc. She didn’t realize it could be that bad. She’s so lovely. I’m sure she’s a great nurse!

pg2bvxtorfh32I went on a bit of a shopping spree last night. Urban Decay was offering triple points, and I’m determined to make top-tier, for some reason; and then I bought some lipstick. If I can’t put it on, at least I can buy it! I have to stop with these sprees, especially when I’m over budget. Our tax system is such that our payroll tax, I think it is, starts in January, and when your contribution is full, they stop collection, around July. This means my husband loses $1,000 out of his cheque for six months and then we forget the rest of the year. Every January it’s a new round of belt-tightening. What? Save money for the lean times! Pshaw!

There have just been so many escalating costs, too. Especially just around the first of this year. I think I’ve whined about this plenty. I won’t bore you more. It’s tough finding things to do when your concentration isn’t great, and your hands don’t work so well. Online shopping is so much fun, but that gets old too. It’s just stuff. I am enjoying playing with it when I can. I’m enjoying blogging here, too. I’ve met lovely people. Only lovely people.

I’ve offended people talking about my spending, but they may actually do things, outside, like in public. I don’t think they even realize there are months I don’t get to leave the house, so $300 on makeup isn’t horrid. What did you spend $300 on last month able person? Lattes? Taxis? Lunches? It adds up. I didn’t have those expenses, at all. But I do realize I have privilege. Many people don’t have the means. I married a smart, hard-working guy, and we have had some really lucky breaks along the way.

I’m aware I may be babbling. I’m in that hazy, cool, fun, dreamy, tired state.

I often resent that I had to stop my career, such as it was, to tend to my broken body. What could I have done if I had gotten proper support instead of being encouraged to go on LTD? Would I have been a better employee were I not in pain all the time? I don’t know. Life is this way now, and I’ve spent so much time getting to know myself, I wouldn’t trade with anyone now.

Our son is going on a class trip for four days next week and I’m stressed. ย He’s growing so fast! Ugh, these kids give me so much stress, and are my world, all at the same time. I didn’t realize parenting would be as much fun as it has been. I’ve laughed so much along the way! There have been lots of tears, too. But lots of laughs. I will be so relieved when he’s back home.

Probably should nap now. My eye hasn’t changed, but is getting tired.

Wash your hands, my zebra pals! ๐Ÿ˜˜

 

Dark Days

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I have never felt so dark as I have the past few days. The pain just feels never-ending. I don’t feel like there are any bright spots anymore. The tears keep falling. I know this is a temporary state, but damn, it’s no fun to go through.

I try so hard to be stoic all the time. I try to pretend I have this. It’s no problem for me to lie in bed all day every day and play on the computer. But it’s a huge problem. People don’t realize, I think, that when everyone on Facebook decides to have a shitty day, I don’t get to go outside and find other people to talk to. I’m stuck with what I’ve got.

I’m trying not to turn this into an ‘everybody is being mean to me’ because that is certainly not the case. I know I’m very sensitive right now, probably not safe for human consumption, and feeling very left behind, and I have no way of communicating this without feeling like I’m whining, because I’m in too much pain to do anything but whine.

I feel like my soul is being slowly ripped from my body. I just want this to end.

I was thinking yesterday, I would love to just have a day off. To just hand over my pain for a day. But whom would I burden with that? Oh, you know my first choice. Someone who needs to make decisions on health care reform. But is there someone else who needs to know what this is like? I couldn’t even do this to my ex-husband. I don’t particularly hate him, but sometimes, you know, I think he was kind of clueless.

My good friend is chronically ill. She’s lovely. She always says this thing, though, that interests me. When she’s talking about her pain she says, “but it’s nothing as bad as yours.”. She’s not the only one who does this. It’s so interesting to me because to me, pain is so individual. It may be that I’m a big wimp ๐Ÿ˜€. It’s almost not how much pain hurts, but how much it disables you.

My husband just interrupted me for a conversation. He is home today because he had a sleep study done last night. When he originally booked it, he thought it was the Family Day long weekend. I’m vaping as I blog, so I’m feeling better as I go. I’ve spilled my guts to him, and we’ve decided to cancel my dentist appointment for this afternoon. They are so darn good to me. They allow me to cancel and fit me in when they can. The weather is terrible. Snow and ice. I can’t get over the snow banks on a good day, but the ice? We have to try again. I really need a new bite guard.

So, my husband thinks I should medicate myself as much as I am allowed. Then take a warm bath. He will ensure I’m okay, and I don’t stop breathing. I mean, I’m not taking the same things as Michelle McNamara, but Patton Oswalt pulls at the heartstrings, ya know?

Our neighbour’s young daughter knocked on the door this morning to say ‘hi’. She informed my husband her father was at work and her mummy was at work. My husband told her he was at work (liar!) because sometimes they let him work from home, and our children were at school because it was Monday. Her eyes got big and expression was surprised. “Monday!” She repeated. He heard her grandmother start to frantically start to call for her two doors down, “Grandma, I’m visiting my friends!” She called back as she scrambled down the stairs.

Husband came up and began to tell me the story. We heard frantic banging against the door, as if someone were throwing their whole body against it. “Goodbye!” She called as he opened the door, “Grandma’s taking me to school!” As she flew down the steps and down the walk.

He also reminded me that it’s February and Valentine’s day is coming up. This may explain the rash of sudden expressions of love (or whatever) and some of the grouchiness. I can totally get that! Whether it’s being just sick of winter in general, or hating Valentine’s day, whether in or out of a relationship, February is a tough month.

Sometimes it is straight out hostility. It’s so funny, too, what people perceive about your life. I know I’ve lost at least one close friendship over jealousy of my relationship. It is incredibly sad, because I just figured it out recently. If this woman could only see my life now! I guess it seems great on paper, doting husband, two kids (who happen to be awesome), good drugs, lie around all day, play with makeup… but where does the horrible isolation fit in? The feeling everything you say is completely stupid and pitied? The aching in every part of your body every day, including your pubic bone? Doctors constantly questioning your mental state…are you depressed? You seem depressed. Of course I’m depressed you fucking nitwit! But this is temporary. This dark mood. They come and go.

Stay in the light, my mutant collagen cousins! ๐Ÿ˜˜