Remember Me?

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Hey everyone! I’ve spent the last two weeks freaking out over this past weekend’s beauty convention! It went over very well, and I’m hoping to soon have a cross-post up between my two blogs about my experience.

I was very nervous about this weekend because I purchased the tickets for me and three friends in March when I felt fairly well. With the head and neck pain I’ve been having, I wasn’t certain I could endure the entire weekend.

Add to this, I had my BOTOX injections and broke a crown on my tooth and had to have dental work done. Ugh.

Oh, I missed this story, so on the day of my BOTOX injections, there is a volunteer in who isn’t the usual. She comes in the lobby and calls for Diana. I ignore her, that not being my name. She then calls Diana with my last name. I figure it out. I stagger over, followed by my husband. I apologize for not answering to the wrong name before, being the Canadian that I am, and educate her on the correct pronunciation of my name. DAH-nuh to rhyme with banana. She gets all put out. She goes to the file and starts whining “Well, it’s just that we have four names here for you!” My husband goes over and asks what they are. She’s referring to my first, middle, maiden, and last. The only one I don’t use is my middle. And there’s a short form of my first name I use. So she lightens up a bit. Β Then she comes back and want to know if she needs to fill all the serum, if we use all six vials. I told her yes. As we’ve been doing this for three years now? Maybe two and a half. She then says, I don’t know, it’s kind of a lot… And then looks to my husband for validation. 😠 She comes back after with another administrator, and thusly begins calling me Dayna for a good five minutes. I won’t even mention her mocking my husband when he went to get me up when he thought the doctor was ready for me but he wasn’t. I will send a note, though, to patient relations. Yikes!

Back to the convention, so after my BOTOX, I had my tooth fixed, went home, rested up and was really anxiety and pain ridden, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was angsty and stressed and such a mess. But then, as soon as the event was over, as my friend got in her car and drove away….

My throat began to hurt….my tongue began to swell…my lymph nodes are swollen and sore. I couldn’t sleep my tongue hurt so much last night. I’m glad it waited, that was kind. I do need to have my husband book off work to take me to the doctor. I can’t go alone. I get really upset and stressed when I’m sick. Sometimes even before I know I’m sick. It started in my 30s. It’s almost as if I am afraid to be vulnerable. I remember one day being so ill I could hardly walk I had such a cold, but I had decided I had missed four days of work and that was it, I was going in. It didn’t matter it was 8:30 at night, I was needed! My husband talked some sense into me, but I get so irrational.

A couple of conclusions: last time I went out socially was last August. This isn’t acceptable. I need to get out more, as does our daughter, so we do not have this much anxiety.

The world certainly treats you differently when you are thin..ner. I’m not quite thin, but I’m thinner. I’m about 60 less than last year? Wow. Last year someone asked if I was my friends’ mother. That’s the one who spoke to me. This year? Compliments and chats and nobody speaking to my carer (pusher? 😁) first…well, mostly…. but that’s a story for later!

There were actually moments when I didn’t notice my pain. I feel miles better today, spiritually, anyway. My mouth hurts. I’m thinking strep. All that turning of my neck may have worked out some kinks. Now, I’m far from sprinting a race. Much of this is because of a good medication balance. I did have two pretty scary incidents where my knees just buckled under me. My friend who is a nurse thought that was pretty cool, I think, except one was on stairs. It’s that with no meniscus, it feels like one bone goes one way and the other, well… I also had my fingers go out yuck. But in the grand scheme, I will take it.

I will try to get that post about my experience together, and I will let you know!

😘

Still Flu-ish

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Still not feeling quite so amazing this morning. I’m feeling weak, like everything takes effort. I’m kind of hungry, so I tried some crackers, but they tasted like ashes, and upset my stomach. Why would a few crackers give me gas pains? I have no idea.

So I lay around this morning and looked at catmemes. I am downloadfiletrying to convince myself to go back to sleep, but I am pretty bored with that idea. I’m pretty bored with doing nothing but sleeping. There are a ton of books I have lined up here. I have new makeup on its way, and gorgeous lashes to try. I have my Beauty Blog post to do for tomorrow. But… I can barely move. I think the only solution, since I’ve been trying to get it together enough to turn the TV on for an hour and a half now is, to give in. Sleep, and when I wake up it will be time then to reevaluate. Β I know I’m bored as hell, but what else can I do now?

Hope you are having more fun, Zebra friends! 😷

Growing Old Together

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Yesterday turned out to be quite hellacious for me, pain-wise. We’ve been having a lot of rain and intense storms, as has much of North America, I think? I’m very sorry, I can barely concentrate on what goes on in this room. It’s supposed to be a mixed bag this summer, from what I understand. Hot, cold, rainy, all over the place.

Back to yesterday, my treatment is coming up either Tuesday or the Tuesday after, my husband isn’t certain. Which means the last injections are wearing off a bit, it doesn’t always happen, but usually. My bet is on this Tuesday, since the low-level headache started on Sunday of last week. It’s usually the first sign my treatment is coming up. It’s not that bad, it’s like a mosquito buzzing, annoying, but livable.

Where were we? Yesterday. Thunderstorms were gathering all day, and I could feel that tension in the back of my head. It was not at all pleasant, and began to creep down my neck. It felt like I had something out-of-place and it was pressing? It hurt so much.

giphy31By 9:00 my husband came to bed, and I was really hurting. I was trying not to move my neck, and it was tough to think. I had my neck pillow holding me steady. It was like something was pressing on something leading to my brain, or, like Homer Simpson, I had a crayon up my nose.

We chatted for a bit, snuggling, and he tried to boop my nose, but missed by half an inch. He’s had problems with glaucoma, surgery last November. He closed his eye and tried for the boop again. He got it! It’s sobering to realize how much vision he’s lost, but we did have a laugh. We are quite the pair. For a good few minutes last night, our bedroom sounded like “oof” “ow” “ouch” “aaagh” “dang” “crud” “ugh” “ow”! How romantic! πŸ˜„

We did get some kissy-face in, nice in a thunderstorm. But it’s tough to be all romantic with your partner when your neck is stiff and your hands lock up into mannequin hands.

This was strange, because it’s never been this bad before. I do have problems with my hands. They get stiff and sore, and I haven’t been bracing them. I also haven’t been resting them as much as I should, doing all this typing. I have been feeling the stiffness quite a lot lately. I guess last night, with the rain and thunderstorm starting at 3:00 in the afternoon, just when the kids get out from school, naturally, and raining off and on until after midnight had something to do with it.

Of course, my daughter did not wear her new rain jacket and came home drenched, but my son did wear his! Bravo!

Of course my husband was amused by my predicament, and I pretended to run my mannequin hands through his hair. There was no point in doing movie banter, he hasn’t seen any movies. I pretended to run my mannequin hands over his face, and they were fairly numb at this point, and he was laughing so hard I was afraid we’d wake the kids. Besides, my stomach was hurting.

So he went to sleep, and I stayed up listening to the storm for a while longer while trying to relax. I wanted to see if relaxation would help whatever was wrong with my neck. Finally, I decided sleep was a better choice, and bailed.

This morning finds my neck much more flexible with little pain, but you can feel a background warning. I will keep the Voltaren handy! And ensure I keep relaxed. Deep breaths. I should check the weather…

Have a fantastic day Zebra friends! 😘

 

Friends (do do do doodelly doo)

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It has been said every seven years one undergoes major life changes. Or maybe that’s Scorpio. It’s held fairly true in my life, anyway. I turn 47 in November, and my life is undergoing some real flux. One major area this is occurring seems to be friendships.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with making friends most of my life. Both of my parents have mental illness issues, and were constantly coaching me on how I should be interacting with my friends. How I could be doing better. The other messages were that I’d better hang on to any friends I get because I’m ‘ugly, stupid, and weird’. I think the motivation was to keep me from having a big ego, but I was crushed. The pain I was in with the endometriosis every month, plus my EDS pain, dismissed as ‘growing pains’. I started working at age 12, since my parents decided I should pay for everything. They would provide the room and food, which I rarely ate because I was already having stomach problems, and I bought everything else. They provided an allowance of $60 a month I think.

I barely had time for friends, but clearly I had to do whatever anyone asked of me, because that’s what friends do, right?

Set me up for 30 years of misery.

In my 20s I worked three jobs, I didn’t really have time for friends, I eventually moved away from all my high school friends, being nuts while on opioids alienated most of them. Some hate me because of my ex husband. Most have no idea what it was like growing up in my house. The suicide attempts.

When I was in my 30s I joined a baby names board. It was fantastic. I had a tribe. Until someone decided I was an addict and called me out. Nobody defended me. Lost a lot of people. I wasn’t an addict, but was on those damned short acting opioids that weren’t that great. Dependent yes. She was saying I was Rush Limbaugh.

Our friendships moved to MySpace then to Facebook. I got closer to some people. I was still mobile, seeing people at Meetup.com and having friends. But all my guy friends were still handsy, and my girl friends all required gifts and only talked about themselves. But that’s the cost of having friends, right?

I hardly go on Facebook now. I mean, a couple of times a day, vs sitting on it like before. Before, I used to chat with friends, but now everyone just wants to argue or sell you something or have sex.

I used to post on friends’ statuses, but now their friends want to aggressively argue with me. Or criticize. Or completely ignore. I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s what the place has become.

A bunch of my friends have drifted away. The bunch that I talked to on a regular basis. What a strange coincidence. This hasn’t left me friendless, of course. But the ones I have remaining aren’t the ones you speak to every single day.

But you know what? I feel peaceful.

I feel like I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m engaging with people in small bits. I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not angry. I’m not listening to people’s problems.

I am able to engage with people I care about.

Perhaps it is just that I don’t have the energy right now to be more to anyone. My son has been coming for snuggles each night and it’s wonderful. Β We need the connection. I owe my Mom a phone call, but I just don’t have the energy.

I’m finally learning to set boundaries.

I’m trying to let myself not feel guilty. There’s a stupid tape in my head about having to be social. It’s idiotic.

Maybe we will drift back together, maybe not. Maybe we’re just keeping different hours right now and things will change. Maybe they are ghosting me. I’m focusing on what I can control. Those who are responsive in my life, and what I can do to be comfortable.

Am I horrible?

My headache is subsiding, I just want to sleep πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€!

Have a great day Zebra pals! πŸ˜™

PS, I was having a ruminate about what bothered me so much about the men (and women) being forward on Facebook messenger. Β There are two things. First is it’s rather like being cold called in your messages. Another telemarketing tactic? Although, with the amount of sales going on, yeah. And Second, you are treated rather like a non person. As I move through life having things explained to my husband, being shoved out of the way in my chair, it feels really great to be reminded I can’t even participate in the dirty nasty with my own husband.

Maybe it would make me less grouchy? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Do Cookies Have Brains?

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OK, Β so the reason I’m asking is that I feel like I’m eating a lot of cookies, but I also feel like a zombie. So this only really makes sense if Cookies have brains.

I am feeling so tired right now, but I want to play with my makeup. I have a plan, and I’m not going to give up, even though I keep snapping Β my neck awake every few minutes. This exhaustion is just rude. I tend to eat cookies when I’m this tired because I think the sugar will help me. It just makes me fat. What I really need is a nap. I really should just sleep because I’m just going to be frustrated. πŸ˜” I’m so upset. I want to do things, but I’m so tired almost all of the time. I keep having to postpone things. Β I will try and get up at 3:00 and see if I can do it then.

I’m also having problems with bedsores. It’s getting annoying. I’m going to have to start wearing a bra again. That’s upsetting, because it binds my stomach. It hurts. I have had terrible heartburn and nausea has worsened lately. I’m eating even less nutritious food and more cookies. Everything hurts my stomach.

Okay, I’m going to nap now. The weather is cold. It was -25C overnight. Rest time.

Be good to yourself fellow Zebra! 😘

Frustration

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There is so much truth to the old adage that says your life can’t be running well in more than one place at a time. So while my body isn’t in pure agony, all my relationships are in relationship hell. Well not all of them, but most of them, and some are actually just in relationship purgatory. At any rate, I sure am feeling low today. I’m just going to muddle through as best I can and see what happens. 8m just not certain what else to do anymore.

For the record, I don’t think everything happens to me. In fact, I’m pretty certain we are all blessed fairly equally in life, if we look at things. We don’t all have money or friends or health or brains to fall back on, but over a lifetime, I think most of us get lucky in a couple of places. We get a good spouse, or we meet a good friend, or we have luck with money, or we are lucky with our careers, or we have good health. I think we get pretty even in the end.

Since I’ve graduated high school, Β I haven’t had a good friend who has had time for me, and I don’t mean every minute of every day, but once a week for fifteen minutes, and a genuine desire for my friendship, not seeing me as the crippled friend collectible. I’ve started a few friendships, they’ve fizzled, usually because I can’t get out, or had to cancel plans too many times, or things just fizzled. There are the friendships with men, where they always wanted something more. I have one friend now, everything I post something that triggers her on Facebook, she posts about how privileged I am. Lots of friends post about how we need to make the world more accessible, but not a single message asking how I’m doing. Disabled in the abstract is fine, but do you really want to deal with them one on one?

My husband snapped at me last night. It was even more painful because I’m in so much emotional pain. I’m realizing people I thought had my back, don’t. (I don’t mean my husband) He is exhausted, his eyes hurt, he has a cold, our boy is being a sassy jerk. He’s almost 13. I said something he didn’t expect, I was right, but my tone was off, as I hadn’t spoken for a while, that happens to me sometimes. I have trouble regulating air, and just, well, sound weird. My son had said something, he snapped at my husband, something like “I can’t take this anymore! I’m going to bed” and my husband was like where does that come from, and I said our son was imitating husband, because husband says that almost every night. He apologized, but it still felt awful.

People don’t hear this stuff because when they talk to me, they don’t ask. They call and tell me their problems. They ask how I’m feeling. I give them a brief description of my pain, because they don’t care, and then I listen. Because I’m Yoda.

I’m whining about this because I don’t think this is unique to me. I think this is fairly common among my zebra friends, and is the reason most of my actual friends are other zebras.

I’m still bummed about my ex-brother-in-law dying. He was a decent guy. I have no one to discuss this with as my husband is not impressed. He can’t fathom a decent guy being brothers with The Weasel. I can’t talk to my ex. Don’t want to open that crate of worms. So, I just sit here. It will pass. He was only seven years older than I am. Five years older than my husband. Cancer. My ex said it was from steroids? I know he played football, but he does get things wrong.

I’m trying to get my son to school, but he’s still so anxious he won’t go unless someone walks him there. I’m so worried for this kid. He made it once this week. My therapist pointed out things could be solved if I could just walk him to school. She’s right. Although, I would probably be working if I could walk. And really, walking him would just be a panacea.

Today should be interesting. I had a glorious nap yesterday. May do it again, today. Makeup could be on the agenda, as I concentrate on it and get out of my head for a while, it’s something I can DO. Unlike colouring, reading, TV, Netflix, jogging, cleaning, writing (for too long) etc…

My husband is talking about coming home to help our son to school as it’s the last day before spring break, and he needs to pick up any home work assignments.

Will definitely be staying away from Facebook much of the day. I’m feeling far too sensitive to venture into those waters. I need to know my limits. Lots of people are closet bullies. I don’t know why they hate closets so much! πŸ˜€

Sorry to be such a bitch today, but I needed to vent. Thanks for listening! It’s very much appreciated.

Have a fantastic day, Zebras! 😘

Life is Good!

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Isn’t it nice when life isn’t a series of one bone-grindingly painful activity after another? We are on day three of feeling like a regular ninety year old person, instead on a ninety year old war veteran who has had every bone broken and has just been run over by a steam roller. I am getting rather tired, however, I could use a long nap.

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Husband brought home some snacks on the weekend. I can have dark chocolate on FODMAP, but the taste is too strong for me. He risked his health bringing me these almonds, as he is allergic. Anaphylaxis allergic. They are such a good snack! They fill me up so well! I’ve been hungry lately. Must be the moving I’m doing.

I’m really tired today. I must have overdone it, even though I tried not to! I had so much fun! Got things done!

That’s all for me today. Maybe more tomorrow, when I’m more awake…

Have a fun day, Zebras! 😘