Irreplaceable Me

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How many days has it been? A million? Ugh.

I’m so bored. All I can do is sleep and sometimes take medicine. I’m way off my routine, I’m not sure what I’ve taken on time this week. Actually,  I’ve mostly missed my 3:00 pills and my mmj. That should be it. My 6:00 a couple of times. But my husband has been getting home earlier and checks now.

I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow! Husband and I are making our list tonight of what we have been seeing. I’m not going to let him bully me into hoping things will get better. This has been consistent pain now for months. I don’t know that I necessarily need more pain medication, but I likely need more investigation into what is going on. This ‘it’s just eds/endo/fibro’ stuff isn’t going to work anymore. When I’m losing use of my hands, when I can’t eat for several days (usually when I have the flu I can take something in without the digestive problems I’ve had. I woke up this morning to find myself on the toilet, so, yeah, ew.).  I want to get this neck thing straightened out -literally! My knees, these damn headaches, the list goes on.

The positive side of things is that I’m reminded how valuable I am to my family. My son turns 13 on Sunday, and my husband has been admirably juggling everything, however the gifts had not been bought. That’s usually my domain. When I have a flare-up, I can still often get things done. When I’m completely out of commission and can do nothing but sleep? Then we have a problem. Then we start to see how not having Mommy around affects us.

I woke up yesterday evening around 7:00 to find my son hovering at the foot of my bed. He hasn’t been diagnosed, but he is definitely on the autism spectrum, and he was doing a little dance of impatience with hand flapping as he waited for me to wake up. As soon as I opened my eyes he dove into my bed and exclaimed he was waiting for me to wake up because he wanted a snuggle. He settled right in beside me, and we watched TV.  It was lovely.

It’s good to be needed.

These are the sleep shorts I bought at Old Navy. I bought 2 pair 20170606_201735of shorts, I think I have 3 complete pajama sets, as they have camisole to go with them, a romper, a strappy top, and a pair of socks all with the zebra pattern on them.  I will take a photo one day when I’m wearing them, once they are all washed up! It’s nice to buy from the regular size part of the store. There are so many choices!  I’m almost redoing my wardrobe. I have so many clothes to get rid of. I don’t ever want to get big again. But we can’t always control that stuff, can we? My biggest things are not eating when I’d rather be sleeping, because sometimes I just eat to keep myself awake, and keeping an eye on my sugar intake. When I eat too much sugar, my weight skyrockets. When I stop, my weight drops at 2 lbs per week. Magic.

OK.  I’m tuckered out. I have lots to do for tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day, Zebra friends! 😘

Wonderful Things

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My family has been treating me so wonderfully the past couple of weeks. Let’s enumerate the wonderful things they’ve done for me:

My husband:

  • Has gone to the post office to retrieve numerous packages for me
  • Has found the money to allow me to shop my brains out, since it’s just about the only thing I have time and patience for. Plus Zebra outfits!
  • He brought home French Fries for me even though they were out of his way and it was late at night and he was tired
  • He got out of the warm shower to grab me a barf bucket
  • He watched an episode of South Park just because I asked
  • He has run so many errands for me, I can’t even count them!

 

My Daughter, 15

  • She has been filling my water bottles regularly
  • Listening to my exciting stories even when she’s bored
  • Checking up on me to make sure I have everything
  • Bringing me breakfast during the week

 

My Son, 13 in 6 days!

  • He has been keeping my water bottles full
  • He has been spending time with me, like the two hours last night where he snuggled and watched TV and chatted
  • Remembering not to hug me without asking, because I’m so sore
  • Bringing my coffee in the morning on weekends

 

My family has been awesome. Except for:

 

Husband:

  • Forgetting about me in the bathtub and nobody hearing me yelling about getting the shower head down, so I had to wash my hair under the tap. It was a bit uncomfortable, but not the end of the world. I did have fun teasing him about it, though! 😄

I prefer to get help in and out of the tub as I’ve been so shaky lately.  I don’t need that much assistance, just someone to ‘catch’ me, really, if I start to go over. Or call 9-1-1 if I pass out. I’m still so weak from whatever is going on with me.

I hope you enjoyed my glimpse into my family. Are you interested in my Sephora Haul? I can either show a photo here, or link my Beauty Blog post. Let me know.

 

Stay healthy Zebras! 😘

 

 

O-Vary Nice to See You!

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Today has already started out scarily awful. This was a long weekend in Canada. Our washing machine broke. It did only cost $250 to fix. I didn’t get my sheets changed. Our kids do theirs each week. I couldn’t move.

My two kids, who both have Autism, have been struggling with anxiety this past month. My daughter (15) has been sick off and on and struggled to make it to school other days, just the past two months. My husband has been walking her to school last week.

My son, 13 in 2 weeks, has struggled since February, maybe longer, so my husband walked him to school for two weeks, then met him at school for two weeks, and today was the day he was going to let our boy fly free!

Except the girl was struggling. So he was going to hang around the neighborhood, visiting various Starbucks until our children were ensconced in school.

Only the boy woke up still with that cold he had all long weekend. He’s missed so much school we have to send him unless he is actively vomiting or has a fever, the Principal will dismiss him.

My husband came to talk to me about the chaos when pain exploded in the right side of my abdomen. I began screaming. 30 seconds or a minute passed. The pain abated. The screaming turned into a moan. Husband continued his sentence as he crossed the room and grabbed my pill case. He handed my my breakthrough meds and said “ovarian cyst, take one every hour until you’re comfortable. Stop at 3. Vape when you need to. Rest.” He then popped the pill in my mouth as if he were offering me communion and held my water bottle to my lips. I lay back and waited for some pain relief.

Because the kids were not to know their dad was lurking in the neighborhood, he left at his usual time of 7:00. The kids continued on and I tried to keep comfortable. Around 7:30 I started to vape, as the kids were ready to go, they just needed to leave.

The boy finally left around 8:05, a bit late, but made his way to school.

The girl was supposed to leave at 8:20, but we hadn’t heard anything by 8:30, there’d been a problem. My daughter comes running up the stairs with the doorknob in her hand! The thing broke! We are actually in the process of replacing all our doors, too! She is in a panic because she can’t fix it, and she can’t just leave it, because she’s afraid I will get hurt. So I have to shine the dad-signal.

Dad comes running, of course. Daughter wasn’t happy, but he fixed the door. He walked her to school.

Does it end there? No…

My son is now home. They sent him home because of that cold, but he did get homework. My daughter is not able to stay at school, but she made it, so she’ll be back soon. I’m pretty sure she will be upset for not reaching her goals, so I am bracing for a day. But she could be fine.

I am two weeks away from my Botox treatment shots. The old ones are wearing off. I have excruciating back pain, my neck hurts, my head hurts, all my muscles hurt, I have abdominal menstrual-like cramps. I want a bath but I can’t move.

Two days after that I see my doctor again but we can talk about my head!

Have a fun day, fellow Zebras! 😘 I’m going to be relaxing.

 

Bedtime Tidbits

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Have you ever had that sensation where you’re in bed, I’m usually staring at my tablet, and suddenly I have no idea what time of day or night it is. I have no idea if I should be getting up or going to sleep. Probably a me thing.

I spent another day sleeping. I started out having a normal day, then playing, but I got my foundation on and realized I was just too tired and dizzy.

Last night, husband and I were fighting to stay awake from 9:00. Our son wasn’t in bed and was pulling the ‘I can’t sleep’ but you’ve only been in bed for five minutes….routine. We were probably asleep by 10.

I said to my husband this morning I was finally rested enough to go to bed. I was just at the point where I could settle down, cuddle up and chat for a while, only to drift off blissfully.

So I did that this afternoon. Only alone! I’m still too tired to partner up again. Which is fine, there’s stuff going on, I’m just worn out today. It’s raining, that seems to have something to do with it.

I hope you enjoyed this bonus episode!

Refinery29: 12 Women Discuss Whether They Regret Their Decisions Around Motherhood pt 2

Refinery29: 12 Women Discuss Whether They Regret Their Decisions Around Motherhood. http://google.com/newsstand/s/CBIwle2Szzk

This is such a fascinating article. I never had doubts about motherhood. Well, let me explain.  Throughout my 20s, I had assumed I would remain childless. Partly because of my five operations for endometriosis, partly because my husband was not suitable for raising children with, and partly because my mother told me I’d make a terrible mother, as I’d hate it.

giphy15It turns out I’m having a blast. I don’t like kids, much. We don’t relate well, but mine are awesome. Other people have said just that. It is quite a struggle with managing my pain, but I have an extremely supportive partner, who works with us as a team, not a sperm donor. He attends all our appointments, as the kids are both autistic. Our 15-year-old girl has Aspergers, our boy is 13 in June, is part way through testing. They are certain he is on the spectrum, but resources are so limited, they have to test further up the line before finishing him up. My husband has Aspergers as well. He cloned himself when he made my girl! 😂

I work hard to find other things to talk about besides my children. I have many child free friends. In fact, I was on those boards in the 90s! I even campaigned for a hysterectomy for a while, as it was the only thing on offer to really ‘cure’ my endo.

My life would have been very much different without children. I may even be in less pain. I certainly wouldn’t know the love, wisdom, and depth of spirit I do now. We had discussed the very real likelihood I might not be able to conceive. When my now-husband and I met, I was 28, he was 30. (It was Halloween, 1998, my birthday is November 3, I was 27) Wednesday moved in together officially in July of 1999 (unofficially, much earlier, but we got a place together in July) and on November 13, 2000 I got pregnant for the first time. This was my ectopic pregnancy, which had given us so much hope! I could at least get pregnant.

I started bleeding on Christmas Eve, 2000 in Barrie, an hour’s drive north of the city we live in (Toronto). It started getting bad, beyond spotting, so I had husband take me to the hospital. At the hospital they told me their ultrasound technician was off for the holiday (1:00 p.m.) but my cervix was closed, don’t worry. Meanwhile, not fine. We have holiday dinner at my brother and sister in laws house with parents in law, while I am bleeding, and cramping and trying to hold it together while I know I’m in hostile territory.  We had planned the surprise for tomorrow, but I’m scared as hell and turning ghostly white. Husband finally makes announcement he’s taking me back to a better hospital. Oh, and that I’m pregnant.  Mother in law holds her head in her hands. Drama queen. We traipse off to the hospital, where I don’t remember what happened, but we have to keep my parents’ car overnight. I have to tell everybody over the phone the good news. I at least get to sleep in my own bed. The next morning I went back to the hospital and they ran tests on me. They discovered I had an ectopic pregnancy. The embryo had stopped growing in the fallopian tube. If it had decided to rupture, I could have died. What kind of hospital doesn’t have an ultrasound technician? Doesn’t think of this possibility and suggests I try another hospital? I was lucky enough that they caught it in time and two doses of methotrexate took care of and dissolved that blockage. Because, after getting the all clear, it only took us two months to conceive our daughter. The original plan was, we would try the 6 months leading up to the wedding, and then immediately after, start IVF. Usually they make you wait a year, but they were so convinced, and worried about my advanced age and surgeries. I’m so glad to prove them wrong. Husband takes all the credit!

We were planning to get married the following October. October 16 is the ‘family’ wedding day. Rebels that we are we married on the 20th of October, 2001. I was 5 months pregnant with Dorkus.

I remember those nights of pulling my daughter into bed because she wouldn’t stop nursing. She eventually stayed there. I’ve had days of stumbling around and not being able to see, so tired.

But she grew, she became more independent. It wasn’t long before I wanted a bigger family.

I must say, being adopted by my dad, with a half-sister, having genetic relations around is neat!

Honestly, my menstrual cycle returned in July, 2003. September, 2003 I had an ER room visit where I was clutching my abdomen in pain. I could barely speak, I was moaning. They were certain it was my appendix, although they couldn’t find it on ultrasound. They decided to go in after it. They removed a perfectly good appendix and I started my period the next morning. The nausea from the anaesthetic lifted after two weeks, but then I started getting sick again. Our boy was born in June of 2004.

I’ve never regretted them. They are my family.

Just today, I had such pain, I needed comfort. I asked my son to come snuggle me. Just sit with me and watch the Simpsons while I fell asleep.

Best nap ever.

One one side, I do have incredible pain and very little to no support from extended family. On the other hand, I have an extremely supportive, willing and able-appearing partner, who pushes through the pain of his own arthritis to keep us on track. We are in a first-world country with adequate health care that I have extended benefits for and the income to access, not to mention the skin tone.  This all contributes to making things slightly easier for me on that side of the equation.

Although, we left our kids with a sitter to actually go out, once. We went to my high school reunion. 25 years. Back in Winnipeg. We had adjoining rooms and the kids bounded in the next morning and wanted to know who was in bed with me. They didn’t recognize their father. 😄

I think we’ve left them with my parents a couple of times? Few? My Mom has taken our daughter to the library, we’ve spent time with them. Husband and I went for dinner for an hour and a half. No more than six times for sure. We just didn’t see them that much. Never with his parents. I was in labour with our son and we had asked them to come stay with our girl. They wanted to take her to their house and hour away! No! I want her to meet her brother! First! They didn’t get it. My Mom to the rescue! Or I would he rave been alone.

I don’t know if I told this story. I tell about my daughter’s birth, but when my son was in labour, the nurse checked my progress with two fingers and he grabbed them! She said he must have had his hand up by his head!

Parenthood: I feel like I’ve been given the greatest puzzle to solve. The more I put into it, the more love I get out of it.

Goodnight, Zebras! 😘

It’s the middle of the night, I hope this makes sense! 😘😘😘