Doctor Appointment

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I am so infuriated I have no idea what to do next. Let me start from the top. I went to the pain clinic doctor yesterday. Before I see him, he has a gatekeeper who writes down notes and brings forward my concerns. They look at my chart, make a plan and discuss. Makes sense, right? Sure when it works.

I went in there with a few concerns. First, I have not been sleeping. I get an hour or two, then day 5 or 6 I get a full rest. This is three weeks. My pain is keeping me awake since I’m stepping down the opioid medication. She tried to tell me my pain was spiking because of withdrawal. Never happened to me before? Oh, well take melatonin. Really? Well, practice good sleep hygiene. Do you really think I’m new at this? Well, we will slow down the step down on your medication, you’re doing the rushing, not us! The doctor comes in later and first thing says I need off that medication now.

I explain about my muscle cramps, constant pain from it, how much it affects me and how it impacts my day. I reiterate my daughter’s birth story, and the probable damage. She forgot to mention the spasms to the doctor, but he has a medication that might help. Gatekeeper chimes in that it might make me drowsy so I’m actually tired when I go to bed. I refrain from strangling her. Then the doctor asks me if I have children and I nearly shit myself. Obviously she has told him nothing. I immediately launch into the saga of my week in labour, but he isn’t listening. This is vitally important, but lost.

I had mentioned about a breast reduction, but gatekeeper scoffed. Don’t wear a bra. She doesn’t get it at all. I manage to ask how I’m supposed to do physio if the band makes me vomit and the straps makes my fingers numb. This, brought forward. Least of my concerns right now. (I’m a G in Europe or an I/J in US with a 38 band. I have a small ribcage, but yeah. The band is extremely painful it presses on my stomach itself, the straps cause finger numbness immediately,  total loss of feeling in 2 hours, and I have constant sores developing underneath, it’s a freaking nightmare)

She does seem convinced I need a gastroenterologist. They are helping get one on board by harassing the one at the EDS clinic.  I’m still eating the small meals a day, and whatever I can manage in between. My stomach burns like fire. Ugh. We now carry ZipLoc bags everywhere. I expect people to mistake me for Beyonce anytime now.

I did get called a fucking bitch twice and a slut once. I mean, my husband was driving his car on the street like an asshole, not levitating for pedestrians, totes my fault. 🙄  I was also wearing sunglasses indoors, I’m so photosensitive. I deserve to be called a fucking bitch. 🙄  I must be one of those newfangled sluts who never have sex, and rarely leave the house. Mmmm, constant vomitus soooo sexy.

The more people I encounter, the more I want to be alone.

Present company excepted.

I’m starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep. What fun!

Oh, Gatekeeper heavily suggested I see a psychologist to talk about my problems. (This has been something I have been begging for) because people with way less problems than you see them, you know. I also want to see a psychiatrist who can please help me with sleep issues. Please? (Another rant culminating in me demanding to find me names for both.)

This was the woman I saw last visit. When she asked where I was from, and I answered “Winnipeg ” she said, “I’m sorry”. (People from Toronto think this is hysterical).

If people in this city are being treated the way I am, no wonder things are tense. I refuse to leave this house and it is because of other people.

To add to the love, our city being shot up the other night was right where my husband grew up. Beautiful area. For some reason my husband’s ex girlfriend had to post all about her feelings and tag my husband on Facebook. Sigh. Normally, but not after 20 years and when you’re living with my exhusband. Apparently saying the first part (the tagging) is making the shooting all about ME, and pointing that out, is slutshaming. I can’t stop laughing, because no. Reporters reporting doesn’t mean the news is all about them, and in the end, doesn’t it always begin and end with the triggered white Male? Losers (’cause it’s always a pile on 🙄) . Glad I know there ARE good ones out there or I would be so depressed.

Ok. I’d better stop or my eyes will roll right out of my head. I have a low tolerance today, I had better look after myself.

Trying to get back to love, but I’m so low on reserves.

🦓

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