I’m not gonna lie, the death of Chris Cornell has hit me hard. Aside from the usual fangirling, the man was only 5 years older than I am. His voice is just something that moves me like nothing else. I’ve been randomly bursting into tears. But it really has brought about some changes and reflection.
Honestly, everyone, absolutely everyone has baggage we can’t
see. So why is this world becoming so very hostile? I truly don’t understand, but I am not about to be trampled any longer.
All my life I’ve tried so hard to be wonderful, to be accepted. To have friends. To be loved and nice and well thought of. What has it gotten me? Some truly outrageous behaviour by some people.
- A person I went to high school with lectured me in front of a group of people at my 20 year reunion about what a stupid mistake it had been to marry my ex-husband.
- My mother in law tried to convince my husband to take our two kids and leave me because I was sick. She was convinced he could find someone ‘well’ to look after him, because that’s what he deserves.
- She also refused to have my name put on the car insurance for the car they essentially gave us because she didn’t want me driving it for ‘fun’. I wanted to be able to take the kids to hospital if need be. Husband threatened to return the car. I never drove it anyway. I’ve given up driving because of my medication.
- My ex husband offered his business associates the opportunity to have sex with me in lieu of the money he owed them. I found this out years later. I was not complicit.
- I chose a certain woman to be matron of honour at my wedding, she told me many years on another woman was so bitter about not being chosen she complained the whole time. Why did I have to know? I was friends with the complainer for another ten years before we had an ugly breakup where she accidently sent me an email saying ugly things about me.
So, my point is, if I’m getting this treatment after trying my hardest, why am I trying so hard? This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. I don’t know why I inspire such hatred sometimes. Such loathing. My good friend’s husband still hates me 20 years after I had to drop out of their wedding. I don’t think he gets that my then husband took every dime I was making and was alienating my relatives. I couldn’t go to them. I still cry at night over that. Why do people seem to think I’m unaware of the stupid things I’ve done? Or maybe there was good reason?
I’m sliding into a mode where I can only do for me now. I wake up. I coffee up. Med up. Breakfast. Vape. Get some makeup. Why do I makeup? Internet likes? No. But it’s fun to show my work. I like to zen out. I can relax. Be creative. And I can touch a part of myself that doesn’t hurt. My face. It takes two sometimes three hours to get my face on and photographed. Not because I’m slow, but because I need to rest so much. I lie down and get my pressure regulated or rest my hands. Then I nap. Dinner, visit with husband, bed. Meds in there, interspersed. My kids visit. They’re pretty independent. They need me, though. Don’t get me wrong.
Frankly, the way I’m feeling, I could really sleep all day. Every day. But really, that’s no fun at all.
My head and neck are still bothering me, and are really ramping up, in fact. Yesterday was bad. I did a makeup look for EDS awareness month, and I was so tired after. I wanted to post to the blog, but I was going to have a quick nap. Four hours. Probably best that I didn’t. It would have been angry.
I have been wracking my mind. If your relationships are all crap, you should really look at the common denominator. That’s me. I need to change something. Everyone can’t be a jerk, right?
I do have some very loyal friends, however. Don’t think my life is bleak and terrible. Oddly enough, they almost all seem to be nurses or have chronic illnesses themselves. I am constantly amazed at my husband.
I often wonder: do I not share enough? Am I not upfront enough? Am I too retiring? Am I too pushy?
But you know what? I can’t anymore. I just need to live. I will continue to be kind, as always. Respectful, of course. But I can’t work so hard anymore. I need to focus on myself. I need to focus on me. I’m project #1 right now. Family is second. I used to worry there would be nobody to attend my funeral. I can’t anymore. I can’t worry about my afterlife when I’m not even living this one. Such as it is. It’s mine.
I need to build it.
Have a great day, fellow Zebras! 😘