I’ve been thinking of my post of yesterday, since I’m lying here with a bout of painsomnia, and while I wrote that while vaping, I think I need to make some amendments.
I didn’t mean to sound joyful that I have no friends, because I do have friends. I am just recognizing some old patterns of people beginning to move on. It is a relief in some ways right now, as I don’t have the spoons to deal with much of anything, however, I know I will be lonely in a couple of weeks when I’m feeling a bit better. What can you do, though.
The signs? The calls drop off, they start to pick fights with you over nothing. They have time for others but not you. They don’t leave you messages like they used to, they ignore your messages. They attack you on Facebook. It’s not pretty sometimes. If it gets really nasty, their friends join in, but that hasn’t happened to me, thank goodness.
I guess I’m happy that I don’t have to put out the energy at the moment. I just had my treatment, and I’m more exhausted than usual. I can’t even joke with my husband. It’s too much.
I need to cut back my existence, and I’m cutting it to where I want it. Talking about what I want to, eating what I want, being what I want. It’s a revelation. I don’t have the energy for more. I don’t expect this to continue forever, or past the weekend. But people ask how I feel and if I need things and listen. It’s shocking.
On the other side, there are lulls in every friendship. If this is one, so be it. Is my health setback teaching me my limitations? Where I need to draw the line?
I have asked several of my friends to read my blog. Some have refused, saying we can talk about these issues. Yet we never seem to. I’m sure some have and do read it. I appreciate everyone who takes a minute to read my words and take this journey with me. I can’t think of a higher compliment.
I’m feeling very confused right now. Please don’t confuse this with unhappiness. I feel like I am doing a lot of growing. Shedding a skin, gaining a new confidence. It’s so strange as I need to retreat further into shelter of bed and medicine I feel more confident, but I do. I feel more settled. It’s almost like I was scared to be alone, and I found out I’m okay! (That’s so strange but it’s 1:40 am)
I’ve been wondering if it’s just Canada that people don’t reach out assuming you’re bothering someone or prying. Except for one or two people I have to contact everyone, and I don’t have the energy even on a good run.
That’s not to say people won’t be welcomed back if their schedule lightens up. Providing I’m not an international supermodel by then. 😂😂 I have one friend who habitually reminds me I’m not her #1 friend, I get it.
Speaking of modeling and #1 friends… 😈 I put this photo up on Instagram the other day, no big.
No big deal, it’s me wearing a Kate Sommerville anti acne mask. (Try to keep it together you know who you are! 😂😂😂) Well, Kate Sommerville PR, sees this and asks to use it. Which cracks my friend up no end. 😍😍😍 I’m glad I could bring her joy. All that makeup expertise, and I slap on a mask, the crowd goes wild.
I slept most of the afternoon again yesterday. It helped. I want to sleep now, but husband is snoring, it’s raining, and I’m aching. I dislocated my jaw again. My daughter brought me a cold hamburger from the fridge and I was so hungry I tried it. Dumb. I just had the damn shots, too. Idiot.
I’m still nauseated. So it kind of doesn’t matter, anyway. I had a Mars bar. I’m still under my calorie count.
What do you think they might do to my pubic bone to make it not hurt? Duct tape? Let’s start around my hips and get more intimate if we have to.
OK, it’s almost 2 am. I’d better try to sleep!
‘Night Zebras! 😘