Friends (do do do doodelly doo)

giphy3

It has been said every seven years one undergoes major life changes. Or maybe that’s Scorpio. It’s held fairly true in my life, anyway. I turn 47 in November, and my life is undergoing some real flux. One major area this is occurring seems to be friendships.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with making friends most of my life. Both of my parents have mental illness issues, and were constantly coaching me on how I should be interacting with my friends. How I could be doing better. The other messages were that I’d better hang on to any friends I get because I’m ‘ugly, stupid, and weird’. I think the motivation was to keep me from having a big ego, but I was crushed. The pain I was in with the endometriosis every month, plus my EDS pain, dismissed as ‘growing pains’. I started working at age 12, since my parents decided I should pay for everything. They would provide the room and food, which I rarely ate because I was already having stomach problems, and I bought everything else. They provided an allowance of $60 a month I think.

I barely had time for friends, but clearly I had to do whatever anyone asked of me, because that’s what friends do, right?

Set me up for 30 years of misery.

In my 20s I worked three jobs, I didn’t really have time for friends, I eventually moved away from all my high school friends, being nuts while on opioids alienated most of them. Some hate me because of my ex husband. Most have no idea what it was like growing up in my house. The suicide attempts.

When I was in my 30s I joined a baby names board. It was fantastic. I had a tribe. Until someone decided I was an addict and called me out. Nobody defended me. Lost a lot of people. I wasn’t an addict, but was on those damned short acting opioids that weren’t that great. Dependent yes. She was saying I was Rush Limbaugh.

Our friendships moved to MySpace then to Facebook. I got closer to some people. I was still mobile, seeing people at Meetup.com and having friends. But all my guy friends were still handsy, and my girl friends all required gifts and only talked about themselves. But that’s the cost of having friends, right?

I hardly go on Facebook now. I mean, a couple of times a day, vs sitting on it like before. Before, I used to chat with friends, but now everyone just wants to argue or sell you something or have sex.

I used to post on friends’ statuses, but now their friends want to aggressively argue with me. Or criticize. Or completely ignore. I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s what the place has become.

A bunch of my friends have drifted away. The bunch that I talked to on a regular basis. What a strange coincidence. This hasn’t left me friendless, of course. But the ones I have remaining aren’t the ones you speak to every single day.

But you know what? I feel peaceful.

I feel like I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m engaging with people in small bits. I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not angry. I’m not listening to people’s problems.

I am able to engage with people I care about.

Perhaps it is just that I don’t have the energy right now to be more to anyone. My son has been coming for snuggles each night and it’s wonderful. Β We need the connection. I owe my Mom a phone call, but I just don’t have the energy.

I’m finally learning to set boundaries.

I’m trying to let myself not feel guilty. There’s a stupid tape in my head about having to be social. It’s idiotic.

Maybe we will drift back together, maybe not. Maybe we’re just keeping different hours right now and things will change. Maybe they are ghosting me. I’m focusing on what I can control. Those who are responsive in my life, and what I can do to be comfortable.

Am I horrible?

My headache is subsiding, I just want to sleep πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€!

Have a great day Zebra pals! πŸ˜™

PS, I was having a ruminate about what bothered me so much about the men (and women) being forward on Facebook messenger. Β There are two things. First is it’s rather like being cold called in your messages. Another telemarketing tactic? Although, with the amount of sales going on, yeah. And Second, you are treated rather like a non person. As I move through life having things explained to my husband, being shoved out of the way in my chair, it feels really great to be reminded I can’t even participate in the dirty nasty with my own husband.

Maybe it would make me less grouchy? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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