Mixed Emotions

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I have the feels again. These are mostly anger and shock. I’m finally vaping the higher dose THC pot this morning. I mixed it with just a bit of my regular stuff because it has certainly little cannabinoid in there and I wanted it to be something substantial, not a desperation experiment. Well, here I am, and my back doesn’t hurt finally. I don’t feel stupid. I feel tired, but relaxed. Cold. My pubic bone hurts. My hands hurt. I don’t feel like sitting around playing video games. I feel productive. Artistic. Comfortable, almost. Getting there. I’m hungry.

I know I’m angry. Angry that I was kept from pain relief because… why? I can’t be in as much pain as I say I am? I must be a drug seeker? I remember joking with a (male, ironically) friend about us potentially being roofied, and surprising some guy/gal by saying “ooh, I feel great, do you have another of those things you slipped in my drink?” 😄 I’m one of those EDSers that is tough to drug. I used to blame my weight, but I don’t think that’s entirely it. I seem to have a high drug tolerance.

My body has been feeling not hellish for five minutes, it’s been nice. I have been struggling through. I put together a post for the beauty blog yesterday. It took me all day, but it gave my day some structure. I took a couple of naps, rearranged some things on my computer, watched TV. It was nice and peaceful. I remember how my parents used to nag me about making friends and being friends and going outside, and I have brief moments of anxiety that I’m not talking to enough people. But then I remember what happened last time I spoke to people, and I hide under the covers.

So, to recap, emotions: anger at my old pot doctor for withholding working drugs from me, gratefulness to my new pot doctor for listening and caring, anger and hate toward my genes for this situation to begin with, happiness at the momentary relief, annoyance at my internal dialogue, bliss at the momentary silence.

I was so out of it with pain the other day my husband came over to help me fid something. He handed it to me and I actually said, “Good Boy!”. WE DO NOT HAVE DOGS!!!

My Botox treatment is on April 4th, so that is one week. I just need to hang on a while longer, and we start the circus again. I can feel the pain in my head returning, I’ve had a slow, dull headache for a couple of days now. My neck and jaw just ache.

I want to crawl out of my body. Just leave it behind like an exoskeleton.

Wishing you a great day Zebra buddies! 😘

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