More Feelings

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Wasn’t it just three weeks ago I was all tearful and sobbing? Yeah it was. I checked the date, January 21, 2017. Here I am feeling like an idiot again. This is kind of hard to explain to people who don’t have chronic pain, and maybe this is something that is really unique to me, but let me try to explain how I feel. Firstly, my body feels like I was in a bar fight last night, with the Montreal Canadiens. And Tie Domi. I also feel like I may never ever stop feeling like this. I worry I’m starting to become a burden.

People tell me “don’t be silly, or don’t think so negatively!” I’d rather have evidence that I’m not a burden.

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Then, when I get onto social media and everyone is sniping, speaking condescendingly to me, missing obvious hyperbole, being obstinate for no purpose… I find myself ditched by people I had admired… my feelings are hurt, but not in a “whyyyy?” way, but in a “am I really this out of touch?” way. It makes you rethink people you had associated with and trusted. I continue to place my trust in the wrong places and be burned. I fight the urge to pull back because it is not going to be advantageous in the long run. Only if I continue to put myself out there, will I make valuable connections along the way. Some tears will be spilled. But if we’ve experienced no failures, it means we’ve taken no chances.

Maybe I’d be stronger on a better day. Today I feel like everybody thinks I’m an asshole. Which doesn’t mean they don’t like me, but that I’m really not that bright. I do get that a lot. Thinking about it now, it only bothers me from the few people who know me and think this anyway.

It’s as if makeup sucks the intelligence out of your head. Dare to show an interest in artistry, and God forbid a concrete thought enter your brain.

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I don’t know why people who have known me for years don’t ask me questions and instead get defensive. If I say something that comes off mean, I’ve probably missed a word! Or a sentence! I don’t think I’ve ever said anything deliberately mean to anyone. So why don’t people ask me? It’s not like something actually happened recently, it’s just this has been on my mind.

My Mom sent me an email around midnight last night saying her skin was itchy and flaky, so I called her today, and we went over some options. I think Husband needs to stop at the drug store to get some things and I will ship it to her since she can’t get out because of looking after my Dad. I have the nicest man in the world! I just talked with him and he was so accommodating!

My husband and son are out shopping for shoes for the kid and getting Panda Express for dinner. It’s off my diet, FODMAP, but what’s more pain? That orange chicken is worth it! I was in labour for 96 hours with that girl! Oh, this is my daughter’s birthday dinner. We are starting early and snacking all day.

It’s super snowy here today, so I know that’s making things worse. 😣 My pain gets bad in snow, and awful when temperature fluctuates.

I should go play with some makeup, that ought to make me feel better. Maybe.

Have a bendy day, zebra friends! 😘

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