Worn Out

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I posted about my weight journey yesterday. It was a post I had wanted to do for a while, and I needed some time yesterday to process.

I was supposed to go out with my good friend on Sunday, but hadn’t heard from her by noon. She called me at three, she had a family emergency. We had a good talk, and she let me know a therapist we had both been to see had died just last month. The therapist was just a couple of years older than we are. She apparently had an operation, was fine, and then caught a devastating infection. I saw her for about six months. The reason I stopped was because she was on the second floor of a renovated Victorian home. Just a stunning office. However, I was having trouble reaching it on the narrow stairs when my knees started to give me problems. My new therapist I found when I was having pelvic floor therapy. They insist you see a sex therapist. She and I really clicked, and she does other forms of therapy, so we started working together. Another bonus is, she sees me by phone, because she knows I’m actually doing the work, so that’s fantastic. I am still torn up about the loss of this lady, though. I had in my mind, somehow, thought I might go back to her, just because I liked her so much. You don’t expect to lose people so young. Or maybe I’m not young.

Therapy bills are choking us. At $200 per visit, my son is going 2x per week for Autism therapy, my daughter 1x per month, and I’m finally down to 1x per month for traditional therapy.  $1,200 is a lot. Add in my medication, which most of us covered, thank goodness, my injection fees are $225 every 10 weeks, if I want to start-up with regular and pelvic physio again, I’m going to be expensive. And then there are the cabs to and from. I’m not up to public transportation yet, and our Wheel-Trans is great, as long as you’re not in pain. I mean, I’m really lucky, we can afford it. I’m not whining really, I’m kind of scared, actually. I say it’s the money, but last time I started physio, I went into a pain spiral that lasted months. I don’t know if I should leave well enough alone. The physiotherapist said he couldn’t help my pain, but maybe my stamina. He could also help with the disassociation I have with my body. I can’t tell when someone has their hand on my leg, for example.  I guess I did that to deal with pain.

Pelvic therapy really helped me relax. I keep my whole pelvis tense, likely because of endometriosis pain. Trigger point massage was helping, but I got hit with that flare. I just am afraid to try again. Is it worth it? It was nice feeling relaxed, but I really don’t want to be that sick again.

I had the best nap yesterday afternoon. I went to sleep at 4:00, intending to get up at 6:00. Slept deeply until 8:00. But it was delicious.

My abdomen is very crampy. I have a Mirena, so it shouldn’t be menstrual. I wonder what is going on. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Maybe I just need a rest.

Have a bendy day! 😘

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